*She's always liked me and that terrified me. I couldn't stand her kindness, her wanting to care for me when I'm down, her friendship... She's just there when I'm feeling sad and lonely.*
*One night, she jumped off the rooftop of a hospital. No one was there to see her body until the morning sun rose. And nobody, not even her parents, came to identify her.*
*Instead, she visited me. [[From that day on, Hanna lived alongside me.]]*
(font:"Lexend")[(size:2)[Hanna, we're going to school.]
A horror on a slice of school life]
[[Begin->start]]
[[Content Warnings]]
[[Credits]]"Rise and shine, sleepyhead!"
[[Wake up]]
You get up. A blurry Hanna floats toward you.
"It's time for school, you know!" You feel Hanna swirl around you as if appreciating a Greek statue. "Your hair's a mess, you didn't brush your teeth last night, *and* you watched anime til midnight. I think I'm becoming your mother!"
[[Reach for your glasses]]You wear your glasses and see Hanna brush her cold cheeks to yours.
She whispers to your ear, "so, are you going to skip school or..."
[["I never skip school."]]You get up.
You are in your bedroom, which consists of a desk full of books, a desktop computer, a bed, and a [cabinet]<c1|.[]<c2|
Hanna eyes at your schoolbag.
(click-append:"books")[ you borrowed from the library but forgot to return]
(click-append:"desktop computer")[ that may have acquired a few number of viruses from your time browsing eromanga sites]
(click-append:"a bed")[ so rickety you suspect your parents actually got it from a secondhand shop]
(click:?c1)[(replace:?c2)[
The cabinet is full of the most exciting things in life: freshly ironed [[school uniforms]]. All the amenities a high schooler like you need.]]"You haven't done your [homework]<c1|, right?"[]<c2|
"Nope," you say as you grab your uniform and [[move toward the door]], "I'll figure it out."
(click:?c1)[(replace:?c2)[
Homework? What homework? Is she talking about, um, AP Human Geography? Or is it Trigonometry? Ah whatever, you'll just work on it during break and get Hanna to help out.]]You open the door and go straight to the bathroom across you.
"You sure?" Hanna phases through the door. "I get the feeling you're going to ask me to do your homework again."
"I said, *I'll figure it out*. Privacy, please."
Hanna pouts and whisks away to [[the living room]].After a quick shower, you grab your bag and go to the living room.
You appreciate the silence of the room. Only you and Hanna are in the apartment as usual... The TV's left on for you.
Hanna drifts aimlessly across the room.
[[Your cereal's on the table near the TV.]]
(click-append:"bag")[-- you take a peek before you do and ugh, you finally remember you forgot to do your homework for that stupid geography class --]
(click-append: "living room.")[ Well, it's more like a cramped common room.]
(click-append:"TV's left on for you")[ since your dad likes to catch the news before leaving for work and he knows that you're gonna turn on the TV to watch *Simpsons* reruns before school anyway]
(click-append: "common room.")[ Your dad's collection of movies are tucked away at the side to make room for your mom's sewing machine by the window.]
Yum. And you get to watch Homer strangle Bart for the millionth time. That never gets old.
Hanna glides beside you, watches the TV a bit, and says, "Don't you get bored watching the same thing over and over again? I've heard there's this show where --"
[["Nope."]]
Hanna sighs.You finish your breakfast, turn off the TV, return the bowl to the sink in the kitchen, grab your schoolbag, and [[wear your school shoes]].
Hanna tags along.
(set: $umbrella to false)"You should grab an [umbrella]<c1|," Hanna says. "Just in case."[]<c2|(click:?c1)[(replace:?c2)[
Hanna's always been a worrywart. Even when the weather report says it's "wall-to-wall sunshine", she thinks it'll somehow start pouring. It's not even monsoon season here.]]
You open the door and glance at the umbrella. You think about [[taking it for a spin]], or [[leave it alone]].(set: $umbrella to true)(if:$complete is 1)[{(*Beep, beep. We noticed you finished the game already. Would you like to skip to [[the first break->break1]] or go straight to [[Jing's confrontation with Clara->Your brain turns off.]]?*)}]Hanna's probably right and it won't hurt anyway.
"Wow," she says, failing to mask her joy, "you actually listened to me."
[[You ignore her and go straight to the elevator.->elevator]]
(if:$complete is 1)[{(*Beep, beep. We noticed you finished the game already. Would you like to skip to [[the first break->break1]] or go straight to [[Jing's confrontation with Clara->Your brain turns off.]]?*)}]Humanity can live without umbrellas.
"Hey," she cries when she realizes you're heading to the elevator, "I'm looking out for you!"
[[If it rains, so be it.->elevator]]You reach the elevator lobby and press the [button]<c1|.
[]<c2|(click:?c1)[(replace:?c2)["You're pretty rude, you know!" An angry Hanna appears before you, separating you from the doors. "Apologizing is the least you can do!"
The doors slide open.
You walk through her and [[enter the elevator]].]]
(click-append:"walk through her")[ -- a gust of cold, dry wind envelops your body as you pass through her -- ]After pressing the first floor button, you feel the elevator going down.
(cycling-link: "Hanna tries to catch up, but she keeps phasing through the top of elevator. You can only see the bottom of her body as a result.", "Hanna makes faces at you. You don't react, which annoys her even further.", "Hanna checks out a random floor that the elevator has passed by.", "Hanna returns, bored as ever.", "Hanna says, 'You'd think, with all the news on high-speed elevators, this crummy thing would be replaced.'", "Hanna dozes off and the elevator leaves without her.", "Hanna swoops back to you and says, 'Miss me?' You start to wonder if she's a mascot character.")
You wait till the [[doors open]].
You get out of the elevator and start trekking toward school. The world around you is showered in blue-orange hues as you pass the many HDB flats and apartments jutting from the ground. You look up and see how everything and everyone is taller than you.
You wonder if you'll ever grow up. Oh well, you better get a [[move on]] before the school bells ring.
Hanna follows you from behind.
(click-append:"grow up.")[
You've always pondered if you'll ever live to see adulthood. Every day seems to take its own sweet time to end. You envy your parents, teachers, and older friends on the internet who seem to have freedom doing whatever they want. They can play video games and hang out with their pals without worrying about curfews. But they'll always say that you should appreciate high school because once it's gone, it's gone forever. You don't really get that. What's to love being a precocious young adult going through puberty in a high school full of rascals like you? Adults seem nostalgic for reasons unknown to you. You wish you were free, from the chains of classrooms and so-called friends. You fantasize about moving away, perhaps to a foreign country where no one knows you and you can live anew. You just can't imagine living here any longer than you need to.
]You get onto the main road and pass by food courts offering Hainanese chicken rice, mee pok, and hot Milo to office workers who can't spend a dime on Starbucks.
On your left, you feel cars swoosh past you as they try to go past the traffic lights before they turn red. Even the buses for your school do this.
A bus stops at a stand in front of you. You see schoolmates alighting in droves, laughing and gossiping at everything they see. You take a [[small detour]] to avoid their sight.
(click-append:"Even the buses for your school do this.")[ You think about sticking your hand and let a speeding bus drag you like in a *Looney Tunes* cartoon. By the time the bus driver realized what just happened, your body would have been flung into the sewers and your consciousness long since dissipated. At least, that's what you hope. You want to try it out, but you're afraid you might survive and you know deep down it's some childish fantasy anyway.]You don't lose too many minutes when you take this path. After you take a left turn from (cycling-link:"the flower shop", "Lim Floral, Ltd.") and a right turn from (cycling-link:"the bakery", "Tang Traditional Cantonese Pastries"), you're back on track without any of those pesky schoolmates muttering crap about how you're talking to yourself.
"Oh yeah," Hanna said, "I saw your parents dance in the bedroom last night."
"That's called sex."
"You mean, the thing we watched in class when I was alive?"
[[You nod]] and she winces.(cycling-link:"Your school", "American Independent School (or AIS for short)") emerges into view. A giant complex that stretches into the horizon, it houses grade levels from kindergarten up to high school.
Armies of buses are queueing up and entering the school.(click-append:"entering the school.")[ You imagine how noisy each bus has to be: preschoolers crying, elementary students playing their Gameboys, middle schoolers tittle-tattling about their crushes, and angsty high schoolers listening to *Linkin Park* through their cracked earphones all in one bus.
You already feel that you and Hanna are enough trouble for your own life.]
You [[hurry into the gates]] and hope that no one from your class catches you.
The schoolbuses are getting into a mess as usual. Because they're letting their student passengers alight in their respective schools (elemetary students go to elementary, etc.), the usual problems of traffic congestion spill into pedestrian pathways and zebra lines.
You wait for the traffic conductor to give you the green before crossing the road and strolling past the [middle school]<c1| where you and Hanna once took classes in.[]<c2|
Without waiting for Hanna, you briskly go [[up the steps]] to your high school.
(click:?c1)[(replace:?c2)[
Hanna circles around you and says, "Remember when we met on that squash court over there? We were on the same dodgeball team. That was *ages* ago."]]You notice the cliques are already in their usual spots. Just go [[up the stairs]] and don't worry about it.
(click-append:"spots")[: on the benches outside the cafeteria, by the railings overlooking the foyer]You reach the third floor and enter your homeroom. You look up the clock and it's five minutes before the teacher gets in.
There, no unnecessary social interaction.
Hanna enters through the door and she looks like she wants to [[talk to you]]."Are you sure that you [want to be here?]<c1|"[]<c2|(click:?c1)[(replace:?c2)[
(*You know the answer as much as I do, Hanna.*)]]
You let [[silence]] answer her question.
The door slams. Harold walks to his desk and sits down. He buries his face with his hands.
"Shit, shit, shit."
Hanna hovers around him and you can tell she wants to pat him. But it might disturb his mood even further. You consider [[asking if he's okay]] or just [[let him be]].
(click-append:"Harold")[, a guy who really likes to draw tanks during math class,]"What's the problem this time?"
Harold looks up and glares directly at you.
"What's the problem?! Dan's got my love poems! That's the problem! He's reading them aloud to Clara right now and wants to make a movie out of it! I want to kill myself!"
He breaks into tears and slams his fist on the table.
Yep, you [[can't do anything->harold]] about it. And as for Hanna, she may be stubborn about helping people, but even she realizes there's not much she can do either. All she could do is watch him cry.
Harold takes out his notebook and starts drawing tanks on his math textbook. It's his way dealing with stress and you've learned that letting him be actually helps his mood a lot.
Hanna peeks at his drawings and seems to like what he's doing. But she glances at you and says, "Why does he keep drawing tanks though?"
You shrug as you [[watch->harold]] the master scribble his frustrations away.One boring homeroom session later, you make your way to (cycling-link:"your first class", "English Literature") when you notice Clara and her pals loitering outside the classroom and laughing away.
"Hey Jing, me and the girls are talking about what Harold just wrote for me. It's *so* funny."
You consider ignoring her when Hanna whispers, "I think you should at least [[listen to her]].""You remember when Mr. Ford started teaching us elegies? Harold took that lesson *really* far. "
"You're joking?" A non-descript goon of Clara chimes in. "Is that why?"
"Yessss, that's why. Like, don't get me wrong, elegies are a wonderful form of poetry. Jing here knows that I'm into Keats. I don't actually know if Keats wrote elegies? Anyway, I really do like poetry. But people in the past are *good* at writing poetry. Today, I think we've lost that skill. So when Harold does it --"
"Oh my god."
"-- it's so corny and delusional? Like come on, do you think someone today can write poetry? I wouldn't trust Dan to do it, let alone Harold. And yet, he thinks he can do it. And what's so embarrassing --"
"I know what's coming up."
"-- yeah, like, he addressed these poems to me! To my Clara! Oh, my Clara. I feel so embarrassed reading those poems and realizing it's meant for me. He's so much better at drawing tanks. Poetry is *so* not his thing. And that he likes me? Oh god, we're like from different worlds."
"Yeah, different worlds."
"I know I'm hot and guys like to check me out. I get that. But Harold isn't my type at all. Someone like Dan makes more sense for me. Actually, Jing there might be good for Harold" -- Clara turns toward you -- "but I expect you to have better standards, right?"
You eye at Hanna trying to figure out what to say, but you don't have time to wait for her response. All you can think of replying with is [["Yeah, I do"->yes]] or [["I don't really mind"->no]]."See, I know Jing well. She deserves better."
Clara huddles her arms around you. You feel her breasts and start to get intoxicated by her perfume. Her breath smells nice too.
"I can introduce you to some guys I know. They're into Chinese girls, you know. I'm honestly jealous that you could get someone so easily with your small, delicate eyes. You should talk with us more. I'll give you some makeup tips. You strike me as the innocent type, you know? The girl next door type. The boys I know *really* love that. Actually, I've got a dress I can give you tomorrow if you're interested. You'd look good in it, I think!"
You irk at the idea of hanging out with guys, but [[you force yourself a smile]]. Hanna says to your ears, "Good job, I wish I can help out more...""Don't put yourself down! You're beautiful in your own way!"
Clara huddles her arms around you. You feel her breasts and start to get intoxicated by her perfume. Her breath smells nice too.
"I can get you some guys who are *really* into Asian girls like you. They think I'm a fake since I got a German dad and think I'm too European for their taste. So finicky. But you're Asian in the way they really like. You know what I mean? But really, why don't you have a boyfriend? Are you waiting for that perfect someone? That won't happen, you know. Seriously, just get a boyfriend just like us. What's your type? We can talk later about it. And oh yeah, the boys I know, they're pretty rich too. You'd love them."
You irk at the idea of hanging out with guys, but [[you force yourself a smile]]. Hanna says to your ears, "That was a close one. I wish I can help out more..."
You walk into class and get to your desk. Your heart's beating rapidly. Your cheeks redden as you remember Clara's lips and --
"I don't get why Clara likes to tease Harold."
You look up and see Hanna sit on your desk.
"Harold's a nice person," she continues, "I never got to talk to him much, but he's nicer than most guys here."
You remember [[what happened to Hanna->Hanna1]] and you feel ashamed about your fluttering heart. You should just [[get ready for class]].
(font:"Chivo Mono")[I know Hanna meant well when she fell down the hospital building. She felt like she was dragging down her family: her grades were poor, school fees were high, and more importantly, she knew she was *weird*. Her family had gotten her a psychiatrist, so she could be more normal.
But even her psychiatrist admits they can't do anything about it.
"You just need to be more mindful," said the psychiatrist, "your parents are in a tough position and you're seen as sick in their eyes."
She's sick in their eyes. That's the thing she remembered from the psychiatric session when she got out and looked for a way to the rooftop.
I know all this because I'm in the same shoes as her. I'm just too much of a coward to do it. All I can do is [[return->you force yourself a smile]] and pretend the world's alright.]Mr. Ford has never been an engaging teacher. He'd probably a nice guy outside of school, but he makes every lesson a drudgery. Today's class is more poetry.
"I'm dividing the class into four groups", he says in a monotone voice comparable to Microsoft Sam, "and we'll be analyzing Robert Frost's poetry. Group A will be led by Clara and the members will include Jing..."
You hear your name and [[glance at Hanna]] who looks right back at you. Uh oh.
(click-append:"outside of school")[ -- he's apparently married and has two children, so he must have *some* charisma to woo someone --]
"I'm so glad we got 'The Road Not Taken'!" Clara clasps her hands after everyone moves their tables into their respective study groups. "Jing, that's a really famous poem. You know that, right?"
You nod, already readying your pen to do the [[brunt of the work]]. You're mostly hoping Clara doesn't bring up boys again."I'm not trying to be like funny here," Clara says as she twirls her pencil, "but I was with Dan's group. You know, the film team. Those people. I watched some porn with them and the videos keep bringing up Chinese girls. Those girls are so submissive. I would never do that. I mean, I get Chinese culture. My mom's Japanese, which is pretty close. And Japanese people are even more docile. You probably heard about yamato nadeshiko. I learned it from Japanese history class by the way. But what I'm saying is I'm not like them and I wish I got a hint of that. I got too much of my dad if you ask me. But Jing, I think if you wanna get the guys, you should bring out that innocent persona more. I'm gonna let you in a secret: just between you and me, the guys really want to bang pure-hearted Chinese girls. They say to me, 'Their orgasms are really great. Really tight too if you know what I mean.' I don't have a dick, but I think I understand that. You understand what I mean?"
You nod as you try to [[make sense]] what this poem is all about."I knew you'd understand it. You're the innocent type, but you're also curious. I love that. So, I'm giving you more advice: you really should bring out your Chinese-ness. I mean, show it off. My friends who are also Chinese like you, they've charmed some of the guys here and everyone had a good time. Of course, we all use condoms around here. Safe sex. You don't want to be like Viola, you know? But I really think you'd have a good time. I bet you can get like three guys to sleep with you if I dress you right. And with more practice, you could get even more. And I know the next thing I'll say might be too much for you -- it is for me because we barely know each other, but I really see the potential in you -- but when you're ready, I'm gonna invite you to the group. God, the guys would love to see you."
You've [[finished]] writing your notes on the oral presentation and handed speaking parts to everybody.
Clara looks over her section and says, "You're really smart, you know that? Love you for that."
She pecks a kiss on your cheek and your heart [[skips a beat]].After the presentation, Clara and the rest of the group decide to ditch the class and you to go hang out in the classroom. You let out a huge sigh of relief as you listen to the other groups deliver their boring talks. Hanna floats by and tries to pat your head, but all you can feel is a breeze on your forehead.
"Must be tiring, isn't it?"
You nod, knowing it's too still risky to talk in the classroom.
"She's pushy and I don't know why she's like this. She was also like this when I was alive. She'd tell me a lot of things I didn't want to hear..."
Hanna looks out the window.
"Why do you keep you going to school? [[I don't get it]]."Before you get to say anything, the school bell rings. Everyone gets up and you hear the chairs and desks scratch the ground all at once. [[You stand up and leave->break1]] before Hanna gets another word on you.
"Remember, your reading assignment is due tomorrow."
And the teacher too, but that goes without saying.Hanna sighs and says, "We can have that convo again later."
The first break isn't long, but most people opt to get a second breakfast to keep their blood pumping. And who can blame them? Your first class was a doozy. But you're not starving, so you don't have to join the crowd fighting for a sausage roll ... though you must admit that sausage roll packs a mean punch.
Where do you want to go before class starts?
* [[Go to the library and read some books->library]]
* [[Go to the cafeteria because you really want that sausage roll->cafeteria]]
* [[Go to some corner and ask Hanna to help out with the AP Human Geography work ->corner]]You enter the (cycling-link:"library", "Eleanor Roosevelt School Library"), a magical place for introverts who love reading all kinds of books. You can read *The Bible*, young adult works like Jerry Spinelli's *Stargirl*, or your personal favorite Adolf Hitler's *Mein Kampf*.
Why is that book there? You have many questions.
Nevertheless, you're [[looking for Garth Nix's Sabriel]]. You saw on Goodreads that the book was well-regarded. And Gaiman is a name you kinda recognize.
Unsurprisingly, the cafeteria is loaded full of people queuing up for delectable salty treats. Ever since the lunch ladies introduced them people can't get enough of the sausage rolls. You get that, even if the PTA declares it's a sodium war crime.
Hanna zooms around the cafeteria kitchen and shakes her head. The sausage rolls are almost out of stock. [[You groan.]]You don't know why you're forcing yourself to finish AP Human Geography homework, but that's what you chose. A part of you wants to be a good student and you hate that part.
Hanna looks over your shoulder and sees the handouts spread over the table. She grimaces and says, "I'm not going to the teacher's room and reading out the answers again."
Tch, you don't need [[her help anyway]]."I wish I read as much as you," says Hanna, "I'm impressed."
"I don't think reading fantasy books is that impressive." You scan the bookshelves and curse the Dewey system. "If anything, I should be spending my time reading SAT prep books."
"I mean, I just wish I had your concentration. I might get better grades, I could get a reading hobby like you, and we can talk more ... and maybe, I'd be alive too."
You wish you can say something meaningful to perk Hanna up, but [[you don't]].After finding the book and leafing through it to make sure someone didn't bite a chunk of the paper out, you make your way out and --
"What's that?"
Hanna [[points to a condom]] full of semen on the floor.You hear heaving and panting on the side.
"What's wrong?"
[["Nothing,"->class2]] you say. But [[your curiosity]] might be getting ahold of you.You're sure AP Human Geography is the most pointless class you'll ever take in your entire life.
You enrolled in this class because your parents wanted you to have at least one AP class. For your future or something.
You asked around and you heard AP Human Geography was the easiest AP class you'll ever take. They might be right, but it's *so boring*. You hand in homework before doing what you do best: staring into space.
You envy Hanna yawning and going off elsewhere. That's one of the perks of being a ghost, you guess.
Thirty minutes in, you notice that Harold is [[drawing a comic]] while sitting beside you.
(click-append:"or something.")[ Pretty sure they just wanted you to take one, so they can have something nice to say about you when Chinese New Year comes about.]
(click-prepend:"homework")[what you've managed to put in as ]You peek behind the bookshelves and see Dan fuck Clara in the ass.
"Hanna, I think [[we should leave->class2]]."
"Why? W-Wait for me!"
You opt to get a Quaker's chocolate bar instead and walk out of the cafeteria. You bite into the bar as you watch the girls' running team warm up.
"You know," Hanna says, "I don't regret dying, but I wish I died later. I could've tried a sausage roll."
You look to Hanna's side and her expression is blank. You aren't sure if she cracked a dark joke or if she's just being herself. It might be the latter.
[[Probably.->class2]]You're scribbling in (cycling-link:"answers", "what you think are answers", "vibes") as you imagine the face your teacher's gonna make. He's so going to love it. It's obvious he's so done over your crap.
"Jing, why are you trying to be a good student?"
You stop and look up. Hanna seems serious and wants to have [[a conversation with you]]."I wanna talk about what I didn't get to say during English class."
You put your pencil down.
"I'd get it if you're a bad student who wants to get easy As. You ask me to get the papers and you can cruise your way to the Ivy League. But you're not like that. You're just doing this to pass the class and ... that's it. You don't want to go to school. I don't want you to go to school. You should drop out and hang out with me instead."
You open your mouth and want to say something.
[[But you know the value of education is bullshit.]]"Okay", you finally say, "I think I'll give up on this batch of homework."
Hanna blinks.
"Dunno why I wanted to do this, but I want to hang out with you at least."
Hanna smiles and says, "Good."
[[You spend the last minutes of break together talking about random stuff before heading to class.->class2]]Harold has an eye for illustrations. You can imagine him working for some video game company. If he tones down on the drawing tanks part and designs human characters instead, you can see him winning some award on some obnoxious stage ceremony celebrating the video game industry. Maybe you could bring up his name in some cocktail party and people would be awed by how close you are or something.
How awesome would that be.
But you know how [[unlikely that is to happen->harold2]].
Harold is like you, a Singaporean in an international school full of ang mohs. But while you've been cursed with organs that give you menstruation, Harold is assigned male at birth.
What this means is that he'll be drafted into National Service once he turns eighteen and graduates from high school. He'll have to spend a decent chunk of his life in the army while his classmates are off to the States partying and getting jobs in Silicon Valley. He'll have to starve to death, run around the perimeters of Pulau Tekong, and be ostracized by his commanders for not being "fit" enough. A future like that is going to be [[bleak->hanna2]].
High school is going to be the best part of his life for a long time. He's forced to treasure this period and do everything he can to make it all worth it. Harold is compelled to write love elegies, draw comics, do well in grades ... because he won't be able to resume his life for almost six years.
And that thought [[terrifies you]].(font:"Chivo Mono")[I looked over the last messages on MSN Messenger that Hanna sent me.
HannaMasta says:
am i a woman
HannaMasta says:
i dont really know anymore
HannaMasta says:
i feel like im a burden to my family n sg
HannaMasta says:
wyh am i like this
HannaMasta says:
i feel like im making excuses
HannaMasta says:
if i say im a woman sg may not put me in army
HannaMasta says:
and i can be happy
HannaMasta says:
but true? i dont know
HannaMasta says:
i want to be woman too
HannaMasta says:
but is army fear the reason?
HannaMasta says:
why i dress up as woman?
HannaMasta says:
am i a fake woman
HannaMasta says:
am i dress up cuz army?
I [[never replied->harold2]] because I was at the arcade and just happened to leave my computer on. If only I came back earlier. If only I turned off my computer. If only...]If school is indeed the best part life has to offer, you want to demand something new.
You don't care if adults think this sounds naive or childish from a teenager like you, but all you know is that it's wrong. Reprehensible, even. The world doesn't need a place like this. You don't know what can replace school, but you know keeping schools around is not the solution.
[[You want something that will make Hanna happy.]]The school bell rings.
You get up and [[leave the classroom->break2]] but not before you quickly look at Harold's comic.
It's lookin' good. But you've got one minor criticism.
(click-append:"minor criticism")[: it needs more cute girls]You meet up with Hanna who's already scouted a spot for you in the cafeteria. Hanna talks about what she's seen in the school while you're having your (cycling-link:"lunch", "fish and chips").
Hanna says, "I think the student council's going to have Karaoke Day? Might be fun to check out."
"When's that?"
"In twenty minutes."
You're a fast eater, so you're going to have some time to spare.
* [[Continue practicing sketching your hand->sketch]]
* [[Surf the web in a computer lab->lab]]
* [[Play *Snake* on your Nokia 3100->nokia3100]]You take out your sketchbook and resume penciling your hand sketches.
"You've been getting better at it," says Hanna, "the perspective looks good."
"Thanks," you say.
But you know Hanna's being *too nice* here: there's something off about how the hand looks. You can't figure out why though. You're just following the exercises you've learned from artbooks you've read from Kinokuniya and Popular bookstores. But you're getting frustrated.
You wonder if you'll ever be a good artist. Or if this is really the path you wanna take. You don't actually know.
[[You keep drawing regardless.]]"You better not look at porn," Hanna says when you get to the computer, "I heard that's bad for you."
You turn your head around her and you intend to say that you're not going to. But you stop and realize you'd probably check out the latest ero doujinshi if you could.
"I can't be bothered using a proxy site," you say."All I wanna do is play Flash games."
You heard from an internet friend there's something called *The Impossible Game* and no one in your chat group's able to complete it. You open it up and [[try it out]].You don't feel like getting up, so you take out your phone and play *Snake*. Not bragging or anything, but you're a master at this game. The kids at middle school were wowed by your skills...
Of course, nobody plays *Snake* anymore. You think they're playing some *Gundam* game on PSPs. Tch, kids here have rich families.
"I got a very high score once," Hanna says, her eyes following the snake. "I got pretty good at it."
You feel threatened and you say, [["You remember the score?"]]"You should look into Bert Dodson's *Keys to Drawing*," Hanna says, "I found it useful starting out."
You glance away from your drawing and see Hanna smile. Her hands are behind her and she's leaning to see your drawings. You know it isn't there, but you feel like you're smelling her old aroma.
"If that's too difficult, I'd also recommend Mark Kistler's *You Can Draw in 30 Days*. I can see that becoming a modern classic."
However, the tip of your pencil breaks and the crack echoes in the foyer. Hanna can't hide her "oh" from you. Ah well, that's enough sketching practice for now.
"Better luck next time," she says, "I suppose."
You look up the time and there's still a few minutes to go before the event.
"You know," you say, trying to think of what to talk about, "I never asked you about this, but [[why did you start drawing?]]"Hanna places her finger on her lips and says, "Good question."
She skips to the center of the cafeteria and twirls around. The sunlight shines through her body and Hanna breaks into a large smile.
"I think I just wanted to draw girls. That's all."
[[That's as good as reason as any can be.->mic]](if:$complete is 1)[{*Beep, beep. Would you like to jump to the [[finale->finale1]]?}]Everyone is gathering around an outdoor stage connected to the cafeteria. You join in the crowd and see the president and the rest of the student council emceeing with microphones and speakers cranked up to 11.
"Hey, hey," goes the prez, "it's Karaoke Day. Our one and only get-together event where you're the star and we're your adoring fans! We provide the hit songs and you get to sing on the stage."
He winks at Dan and the film crew who audibly groan. They're filming him walking around the stage as he explains the rules.
"We've got some epic talent comin' up soon that you won't forget. Your favorite bands and idols are gonna sing on this makeshift stage and" -- the prez trips over a cable connecting the cameras and the power source in the cafeteria -- "woah there, almost brought the entire Titanic down with me, am I right, fellas?"
You can see Dan mouth the words, "Get. On. With. It."
You watch Hanna fly over the crowd and gesture to a better, clearer spot. [[You shove and nudge to your destination.]]
(click-append:"goes the prez")[ like that *Crazy Taxi* narrator]"Geh."
You're stuck on level 5. That is quick. Maybe, you really do suck at video games.
"This game looks tough," Hanna says. "What's the fun of playing something like it?"
Your ears perk up. You don't like what Hanna just said -- okay, you dislike it more than playing this game. You [[clear your throat]] and open your mouth."The difficulty of video games has nothing to do with the quality of a title. If anything, they reflect the personality of their creators more. Difficulty makes us engage a dialog with the creator the same way we read a book and feel like we're conversing with the writer. Art is, in many ways, a tool of communication. It attempts to speak a language that transcends the limits of our ordinary speech. We can only speak in words, but art can go beyond words. To reduce video games into things that are fun and accessible is one form of commodification and --"
"Stop. You don't need to lecture about art to me. I know that."
[[You grimace.]] Of course, she would know.But no matter what yarn you spin, you're not getting past level 5.
You fall back to the chair and Hanna giggles.
"Maybe, some art is also inaccessible to you too."
[[You return a wry smile->mic]]."Nope."
Okay then, she doesn't remember. It's probably some low score, early double digits. That's nothing. You're already at the stage where the snake is now covering half the screen. Just need to be careful and --
"My snake was longer than this, I think."
Hearing that suddenly made you jittery. Okay, okay. You've got this, Jing. You need to [[show Hanna who's boss]]."Crap."
Your sweaty thumb accidentally nudged the right button, ending your run. You groan and Hanna says, "That was close. You were so close in beating me. Better luck next time."
You look at a beaming Hanna. She doesn't know how much psychic damage she's caused you.
[[You promise to yourself you're gonna get better at *Snake* because this is frankly humiliating.->mic]]"And it's not just singing too. We got jugglers, dancers -- you name it, we'll get you performin'. Any kind of talent can come right up and wow us all. The karaoke mic is all yours!"
Karaoke Day was cooked up by the previous student council president who was a big *America's Got Talent* fan. They wanted like a proper stage show that ran throughout the schoolyear, but the other members vetoed because who the hell wants to work for free forever.
"So, don't be shy cuz we've got some REALLLLLL talent comin' up soon! You don't want them to blow the competition away immediately."
A compromise was reached: what the school gets is a school-wide talent competition that lasts a day and it's being broadcast all around the school. Even if you hate reality television and hide in a classroom, the small TV on the corner used for PSAs is blasting it right now, albeit with speakers not adept at sound.
"I recently learned that karaoke meant empty orchestra in Japanese," says Hanna. "Thought that was interesting."
[[That makes sense to you. Somehow.->mic2]]"Oh, prez. You need someone to start some fun. Otherwise, people would be too scared to try. it. out."
Clara pops into view from the crowd and snatches the microphone from the president. She does her best Beyonce impression and the song starts playing "Girl" by Destiny's Child.
(cycling-link:"Everyone cheers.", "Clara! Clara! Clara!", "WOOOOOOOO!!!!", "BEYONCE YA BETTER WATCH OUT!")
Clara's entrance is so obviously staged, but you admit it's exciting to see Clara get out her vocals. Her parents got her a vocal training teacher and it shows. Her vocal range and the intensity of her performance can get to even the coldest of hearts.
[[Even Hanna herself->hanna3]].
"She'd be number one in *Singapore Idol* if she auditions for it!"
[[You reluctantly agree.]](font:"Chivo Mono")["I want to be as pretty and talented as Clara," Hanna said to me once, "but I don't know. Do I have to be as mean as her?"
I didn't know the answer. I envied her as much as Hanna did. I can't even pretend to learn from my mistakes and be unbiased now.
[[Why are we like this?->mic2]]]Clara ends her performance with a fashion model stare into the camera and everyone claps.
The prez grabs the mic from an out-of-breath Clara and says, "What does everyone think of Clara Becker's cover of 'Girl' by Destiny's Child?" The crowd goes wild. "That's what I wanna hear. I can even hear 'encore, encore'. Pardon my language, but Gee Louise, that's a stupendous performance. Give it up for Clara once more!"
Clara bows and exits the stage like an established stage actor --
"Wait a sec," the prez says as he grabs her shoulder, "we got a surprise for you."
"A surprise?" She glances at Dan who smirks right back at her. She laughs. "Oh, I know what's up."
"You do?"
"Totally. I love poetry."
[[Your heart suddenly sinks.]]
(click-append:"and everyone")[, including you and Hanna,]
(click-append:"grabs her shoulder")[ which get promptly swept away by Clara's hands]Hanna looks at you and says, "Jing, are they going to --"
The president is surprised by Clara's response, but he gets back his composure.
"Yeah," you say. "That's happening."
"Our next one's gonna be *real* romantic. Harold Patel's a brave one for signing up to Karaoke Day to read a poem. A poem dedicated to our diva, Clara. Let's give it up for Harold Patellllllllll!!!"
[[Your heart wants to break.]]"Wait, I didn't --"
You see Harold get pushed into the stage by the crowd and the president gets him the mic. A friend of Dan goes up to Harold and hands him his notebook. The "friend" pats him on the shoulder and leaves, trying to hold their laughter.
You know what just happened. Someone has put Harold's name on the list. Everyone knows what's clearly happening.
And they're going to look the other way.
Harold looks at the camera and lets out an audible yelp before creaking out an "um, hi." He takes a deep breath and looks around him. He can't get out; everybody has him surrounded. There's no way to run away and not make a scene.
"I don't want to see this," Hanna says, "let's just go somewhere else."
Hanna is being the voice of reason, but [[your feet are planted]]. You don't want to be the odd one out and [[leave->class31]].
(click-append:"Someone")[, likely Dan or one of his goons,]
(click-append:"Everyone")[, students and teachers alike,]
(click-append:"everybody")[, even you,]You can't move. Everyone else can't move. The camera is watching us and it wants us to stay in one coagulated form.
"I-I'm reading 'A Love Elegy'. Ahem."
(cycling-link:"You feel", "Everyone feels") every ounce of his nervousness weigh upon (cycling-link:"you", "us"). (cycling-link:"You", "Someone", "A classmate", "A teacher") can come up and stop this from happening. Harold needs (cycling-link:"your", "our") help.
He's on the verge of tears.
But (cycling-link:"you let", "everybody lets") time tick, tick, [[tick.]]You summon the courage to leave.
(click-replace:"You summon the courage to leave.")[[[But you need to be careful and not draw attention to yourself.->toilet]]][[No one wants to speak out against Clara and Dan. Their parents are ambassadors and media moguls respectively. Your life might be forfeit before you even have the chance to say.]]"Here goes," Harold says as he tries to not cry.
Do you listen?
[[Of course.->poem1]]You listen:
(font: "Dancing Script")[To my [[dear Clara,]]
your beauty [[clutches my soul]].
I cannot breathe
until I speak my [[peace]].
You may not know it,
but entranced I am of your [[long brown hair,]]
your lips redder than the [[juiciest of apples,]]
and your [[bosom]] that holds everything good and pure [[within you.->poem2]]][["Oh no."->poem1]]
[["This is ... something."->poem1]][["That's a pretty good rhyme if I say myself. Everything else so far, though..."->poem1]][["Creepy."->poem1]]
[["Very ***creepy***."->poem1]][["he means breasts lmao"->poem1]]You keep listening:
(font: "Dancing Script")[Like [[Propertius]] before me,
I am disturbed by my feelings [[for you]].
I know you have the [[least noble nights]]
and you don’t give a [[damn]] about me.
But I pry into myself and ask,
“You are in love, [[are you not?”]]
I turn to poets who are [[drowned in the passions.]]
Their words articulate a feeling I have for you.
The English language is [[not my forte.]]
I thus borrow their words and imagery
to speak my [[blissful truth.->poem3]]][["this is so pretentious"->poem2]][["same same."->poem2]][["Oh my god, is he talking about ... *that?*"->poem2]][["Didn't know he could curse. Respect."->poem2]][["Ugh, grow up."->poem2]][[this is so corny I love it.->poem2]][["Well, yeah."->poem2]]
You cannot stop listening:
(font: "Dancing Script")[Through poetry,
I possess [[many of Clara's lovers]]
and in their stead
I kiss her [[legs]], her [[arms]], her [[body]], her [[lips]], her [[beauty]]...
There can never be [[enough loving]]
for love is so, so [[short]].][["Holy. Shit."->poem3]][["ewww..."->poem3]][["NOOOOOOO........."->poem3]][["He shouldn't have written this. This is SO wrong."->poem3]][["lol can't believe he signed up to read this"->poem3]][["this guy's gonna become a serial killer"->poem3]][["dying here"->poem3]]Your hearing get muffled by gusts of wind.
You look behind and see Hanna cry.
She mouths the words, "Let's. Go."
[[You leave. You've heard enough.]]Clara and Dan are probably satisfied by your tacit participation, so it's safe to get out.
You walk away as the poem continues to elicit laughter from the crowd.
(click-replace:"You walk away as the poem continues to elicit laughter from the crowd.")[You wish you could do something meaningful, but you don't have any say on the matter.]
(click-replace:"You wish you could do something meaningful, but you don't have any say on the matter.")[[[You can only forget your complicity and pretend Harold will be alright.->class32]]]You don't remember what happened at Trigonometry. All you know is Harold isn't there drawing tanks. Think the teacher's said he's in sick bay or something.
Either way, you know he's safe and that's good enough.
You're now [[toiling away]] at your fourth class, European History, and learning all the great things the West has ever done to civilize your species.You walk away, but you start entering into a cold sweat.
(cycling-link:"Fuck.", "You feel sick.", "The fuck is wrong with your hands.", "Calm down.", "No...", "You can't.", "[[There's nowhere to run.]]")Remember, all the classrooms are playing Harold's mental breakdown on the TV. The students and teachers are gawking at his every move. You can't escape.
Wait,
(click-append:"Wait,")[ you could run to the toilet.]
(click-append:"you could run to the toilet.")[ [[No one's going to be there.]]][[You're saved.]]You run to the restroom, go to the stall, and [[vomit.->vomitloop]](cycling-link:"Vomit.", "Vomit.", "Vomit.", "[[Vomit.->vomitbreak]]")"Jing!"
You muster enough energy to flush out what you've eaten for lunch and you start crying. You hope to God Dan and Clara didn't notice you sneaking out because they might crucify you. You're scared.
"... so sorry," you hear Hanna say, "... didn't want you to .. you ... this situation!"
[["it's okay, it's okay"]]You get up, wipe your puke with toilet paper, and embrace Hanna's figure.
"I didn't want you to, I, I, I"
If Hanna is alive, your shirt will have gotten wet from her snot and tears.
[["i'm fine, i'm fine"]]You get out of the stall and go to the sink to wash your face.
(cycling-link:"You look at the mirror.", "You look like shit.", "[[But at least it's over.]]")"I wish I were more helpful," Hanna says, "I could've done something and --"
"You being here is more than enough."
She sniffs her tears away and says, "Okay, I'll trust [[you on that]],"Your throat burns and your chest hurts, but you can handle it. You've been through much worse. You won't fall to school that easily, even if you're still feeling unwell.
"Shall we go to class?"
Hanna is trying to smile through her dry tears. She recognizes you must be emaciated and weak, but she knows she can't stop you.
The most you can do is reassure her as much as possible, so you say, [["Yeah, I'm fine."->class32]]You finally catch your breath.
"I'm fine now," you say. [["Thanks for being there, as always."]]You start to doze off when you're suddenly awake by a loud scream that goes like "Aaaeeeghhhhhh!!!" The teacher, surprised, looks over the window and lets out the last thing you wanted to hear:
[["Harold."]]Everyone in the class (except you and Hanna) goes to the windows and starts hooting away.
(cycling-link:"'Run, Forrest, run!'","'Come on, lover boy! Show Clara you've got the goods!'", "'Oh shit, the security guards are catching up.'", "'Close one, hahahaha!'")
You look back at the whiteboard. [[You don't want to be party to this crap anymore.]]Harold has done everything he could to make the most out of his adolescence before he goes to the army. He's going to sacrifice his life defending the country. And this is how the school repays his kindness?
[[You wish the school got burned down.]]"I'm disgusted," you say to Hanna, not caring if people think you're crazy talking to yourself, "that schools are like this."
"That's why I wanted you to stay at home..."
She's right, but [[you don't want to give up]].
You want to finish high school. You want to graduate with honors. You want to go through higher education and get impressive degrees.
But you're not doing it for your CV.
(click-replace:"But you're not doing it for your CV.")[You're not doing it to please your parents.]
(click-replace:"You're not doing it to please your parents.")[Nor are you doing it because society expects you to be one of them.]
(click-replace:'Nor are you doing it because society expects you to be one of them.')[You're doing it to make a point: [[school sucks.]]]You clench your fists and wish time goes faster.
You want to become one of those respectable professors that make frequent appearances on news network, so you can get onto the podium of the United Nations because everyone thinks you're the real deal. They'll want to hear what you want to say, so you're going deliver the truth that no one wants to hear:
[["Schools don't teach you anything except for internalizing the hierarchy."]]"I want to grow up so bad," you say to Hanna, "so I can get rid of schools."
"I think schools have a place in our society, but..."
[[Hanna trails off and looks into the distance.]]
She opens her mouth to say, "What if adulthood isn't what you want it to be?"
"I'll change that too. I'll change anything that's making us suffer right now. I want to make a world where you can be happy too."
Hanna turns toward you and says, "Maybe, that's why I like you. You always think about my well-being, even when I'm not here."
[[Your cheeks flush.]]
"Well, I care about you."
"I appreciate it."
She kisses you on the forehead. You don't feel it except as [[a touch of wind]].And then, the school bell rings for the last time. [[Everyone begins to disperse]].You don't know what happened to Harold. You do care, but it'll have to wait for tomorrow.
[[You should get going]] since gray clouds are forming in the sky."Told you that you'd need an umbrella," Hanna says before sticking her tongue out. "I'm always looking out for you."
[["You do."]]As you grab your schoolbag and get ready to leave, the door slams open.
"Jing, I'm *so* (clap) *glad* (clap) you haven't left yet."
[[Clara.->finale1]]"There's someone I really want to introduce you to." She steps aside from the door to reveal Dan. "You've seen Dan around, right? He's the nicest person you'll ever meet."
Dan gets into a celebrity-styled grin and says, "You're right, she's kinda cute. Plain but cute. Definitely my type."
[[You can feel his eyes scan your body.]]"Where are you going?"
Your heart stops. Has someone caught you?
"Um," you say. You turn around and see no one looking at you. Instead, you see a guy trying to leave the crowd just like you.
"I'm sorry, I --"
"Are you being a wuss?"
"I -- no."
The guy returns to watching Harold read out his poems and you hear awkward laughter from him.
[[You shiver.]]"I know you well enough," Clara says, "to know what you're into. So?"
You hear Hanna whisper into your ears.
"Why doesn't she have a boyfriend?" Dan is still checking you out. "She a lesbian?"
You whisper back to Hanna.
"Hey there, Jing is one of my dear friends. She hasn't done lesbian things like go after me. Right, Jing?"
[[You try to do your best smile.]]
(click-replace:"You hear Hanna whisper into your ears.")[(text-size:0.8)["I know Dan. He gets aggressive. You better get out."]]
(click-replace:"You whisper back to Hanna.")[(text-size:0.8)["Check the stairs and see if the coast is clear."]]"I'm just asking," says Dan, "it'd be fun to get it on with one. Knew a guy who made a Korean lesbian straight. I want to do that."
"Ugh, not again. Can you shut up about banging lesbians? I'm trying to introduce you to a nice girl."
"She's nice. Her name's Jing, right?" He grabs your arm and your body jolts forward to his chest. "What's your phone number?"
Gasps escape from Hanna --
(click-append:"from Hanna --")[ and Clara, surprisingly enough.
[["Dan!"]]]Clara pulls you away from Dan and asks you if you're alright.
Before you can even respond, she turns around and says, "You're making a bad first impression on my good friend. Do you know what sexual harassment is? You should listen to sex-ed class more. Just because you're not a virgin doesn't mean you can ignore consent."
You and Hanna glance at each other. (click-append:"You and Hanna glance at each other.")[ Is this a joke?]
Clara goes back to you and sweeps your uniform clean as if you've climbed down a fire chimney. "Listen," she says, "he's usually a good guy. He's really nice to girls, especially Chinese ones like you. But Dan, you're so being an asshat right now. You should leave."
Dan shrugs and says, "I'm just being a gentleman." He laughs and exits the stage.
[[You and Hanna don't know what just happened, but you two let out a big sigh.]]"I am so, so, so sorry. I thought you and Dan would be a perfect match. I know you've heard he sleeps around, but I think he could be loyal to you. And his parents are so nice too. They worked their way up and..."
You don't really listen to what Clara is saying. (click-append:"You don't really listen to what Clara is saying.")[ Instead, you're making out what Hanna is saying:
"I don't know what Clara's planning, but I took a quick look and Dan actually left the building. You should be careful though."
[[You agree. The danger isn't over yet.]]]"... As I was saying," Clara rambles on, "I'm just looking out for you. You don't want to be single when you reach thirty. My oldest sister is a bona fide spinster; I've seen her pictures when she was younger and she could've gotten anybody she wanted, but she waited for Mr. Perfect and he never arrived. She's now in her thirties and -- excuse my language -- no one wants an old hag."
You pretend to agree and hope Clara's done with her TED Talk.
"You know me, I've slept around. But I'm not sleeping for fun. Wait, a correction: I do like sex. But the bigger point is that I'm looking for a man who can take care of me. Do you know why I know Dan's a good man?"
[[You don't, but you're not that interested in the first place.]]"Let me explain," she says without waiting for you to say something, "sleeping around is a strategy I do. Dan invites me to his place and I can see how his family is faring. He lives in this neighborhood that's full of ultra-rich people -- I think some movie star lives there? Anyway, I step into the estate and I see like three Ferraris lined up in the garage. He takes my hand, whisks me away past a fountain, and we had the best sex in a while. I saw his family and he's got like maids. It's so fancy. I think if you go out with him and tie the knot, you'd live a happy life. You can thank me when we show each other our kids. And oh, make me your kid's godmother if you do. That's what my second sister did with her buddy in Australia..."
You want to snore off, but [[Hanna wakes you up]].Hanna blows a gust of wind to you and shh-s you.
"Clara likes to talk about herself and rich people," Hanna says through a bitter smile, "she's always like that since she was a kid. I never disliked her for that though."
"... But you know what's worse than being single? Getting married to a sissy."
[[Hanna's eyes suddenly widen.]]"You remember ----?"
The sound of that makes [[Hanna whimper]]."Let me tell you a secret that not even my closest friends know about, but I trust you because you got potential: I was actually engaged with him since we were kids. Yeah, right? It's so funny. It's a political marriage, like those dramas you see on TVs. My family and his family were close friends or something? And our parents thought we should get married when we turn 18 as if babies don't have human rights. I hated it. But I didn't know better, so I just never complained."
"I had no idea --"
"When I met ---- for the first time, I thought, his name didn't fit him." Clara snickers. "You know what I mean? He's more like a woman. Born in the wrong body kinda deal. He kept playing with dolls and just watch girls' shows forever. And he liked to check out my wardrobe. Tried them on too. I always thought he was gay -- well, I didn't know what gay was until my family flew me to San Francisco and I saw Castro -- but I once saw him looking at a girlie mag my dad left on the table. He's into girls and dresses? So weird."
You watch Clara passes through Hanna and says to you, "Chilly, isn't it?" She reaches for the AC remote and turns it off.
[[You want to get out of the room, but you have no idea how.]]"Oh, that reminds me: I was heading to Carrefour in Suntec City when I saw ---- looking at dresses. Girly dresses. He grabs one and I got curious. Followed him back home, buses and all. And then, I sneak into his house, look into his room, and see him dress up as a fag. Like I'm not joking, he dressed up as one of those queers. I was trying to not laugh and reveal myself to the family, but then it hit me: I'm gonna be married to a faggot. And that gave me the creeps, Jing. Can you imagine how much of a laughing stock I'll be when we do high school reunions?"
Hanna starts gasping for air.
"I don't know why ---- wants to dress up as a fag. Like yeah, he's gay. But dressing up in drag? That's too much for me, you know? I don't want to be married to someone like him. And I definitely don't want to have my honeymoon with a queer like him."
[[Your mind goes blank.]]"So, I called up Alex right afterwards. And the rest is history. My word of advice: go for someone more macho. He'll be able to take care of you and the kids you'll have later."
Hanna's wailing floods the whole room.
"I know I'm being weirdly nice and all to you, but you've heard of *noblesse oblige*, right? I know what us girls want and need. My family probably meant well, but they just suck at matchmaking. I, on the other hand, I know what's up. So, what do you say? Hm?"
[[Your brain turns off.]]
(click-replace:"Hanna's wailing floods the whole room.")[why am i not dead yet why am i not dead yet why am i not dead yet why am i not dead yet why am i not dead yet why am i not dead yet why am i not dead yet]You grab Clara by the shirt. Clara stares at you in surprise. Hanna keeps sobbing away. You
(if: $umbrella)[{
* (link: "beat her up.")[(go-to:"end1")]
* (link: "let go.")[(go-to:"end3")]}](if:not $umbrella)[{
* (link: "beat her up.")[(go-to:"end2")]
* (link: "let go.")[(go-to:"end4")]}]
(link: "umbrella")[
(set: $umbrella to true)
(go-to: "Your brain turns off.")
]
(link: "no")[
(set: $umbrella to false)
(go-to: "Your brain turns off.")
]You remember you brought your umbrella to school. [[You reach for it and --]]You give Clara a good wallop in the face.
"Ouch, the fuck is wrong with you?"
Clara sneers at you before [[you give her another punch]]."What's gotten into you?"
You ignore Clara who's more perplexed than angry. If she doesn't get why you're upset, why bother explaining the obvious to her?
"Hanna, let's go."
Hanna stirs upon hearing her name and floats toward you.
"Hanna?" Clara says. "Who's that?"
[[You grab your umbrella and leave.]][[You fall to your knees and start crying.]][[Violence.->wrong]] [[Brawl.->wrong]] [[Mayhem.->wrong]] [[Chaos.->wrong]] [[Poking.->wrong]] [[Red.->wrong]] [[Blood.->wrong]] [[Destruction.->wrong]] [[Barbarism.->wrong]] [[Fury.->wrong]] [[Havoc.->wrong]] [[Carnage.->wrong]] [[Bedlam.->wrong]] [[Calamity.->wrong]] [[Regret.->right]] [[Terror.->wrong]] [[Pandemonium.->wrong]] [[Rampage.->wrong]] [[Brutality.->wrong]] [[Hysteria.->wrong]] [[Rage.->wrong]] [[Senselessness.->wrong]] [[Catastrophe.->wrong]] [[Madness.->wrong]] [[Misery.->wrong]] [[Devastation.->wrong]] [[Strife.->wrong]] [[Frenzy.->wrong]] [[Debauchery.->wrong]] [[Wreck.->wrong]] [[Impact.->wrong]] [[Ruin.->wrong]] [[Crisis.->wrong]] [[Pillage.->wrong]] [[Delirium.->wrong]] [[Fervor.->wrong]] [[Maelstrom.->wrong]] [[Berserk.->wrong]] [[Rampage.->wrong]] [[Firestorm.->wrong]] [[Stampede.->wrong]] [[Riot.->wrong]] [[Stupor.->wrong]] [[Feverish.->wrong]] [[Disorder.->wrong]] [[Craze.->wrong]] [[Vengeance.->wrong]] [[Ransack.->wrong]] [[Upheaval.->wrong]] [[Tear.->wrong]] [[Outbreak.->wrong]] [[Splatter.->wrong]] [[Explosion.->wrong]] [[Slaughter.->wrong]] [[Pummeling.->wrong]] [[Indignation.->wrong]] [[Revenge.->wrong]] [[Anger.->wrong]] [[Vindication.->wrong]] [[Euphoria.->wrong]] [[Merciless.->wrong]] [[Aggression.->wrong]] [[Murder.->wrong]][[You're enjoying this carnival of delights.->You reach for it and --]]Regret?
(click-replace:"Regret?")[[[Regret.->vomittime]]]You drop your umbrella. Hanna is shrieking. The floor has turned red and an eyeball is rolling away from you.
[[You would vomit if you still had something inside you.]]You try to catch your breath, but the entire room smells of iron.
"Hanna."
You make your way out of the room, but you keep falling down and getting up.
[["We need to run."]]Your mind is still reeling from what you've done and it's also taking Hanna a bit to recollect herself. Migraines intrude into your brain. You need fresh air. Your stomach is turning and your arms burning.
But you grab your bag and swipe it clean from any brain matter. You need to get moving.
"Where?"
Hanna's still shaking, but she's regained her composure.
[["Somewhere," you say, "we have to scram."]]Hanna scouts ahead and gets you out before the cops know what happened and have the school surrounded. As you run as hard as you can, rain starts pouring in. Your uniform, drenched in dark red, is bleached out by the rain.
"Where do we go?"
Singapore is a small country and there's no way the cops won't track you down. [[But you keep running.]]You could hear sirens of all kinds penetrate through the heavy rain. You fling yourself into the rainforest and get deeper and deeper, disturbing the animals trying to sleep through the rain.
[[You run and run.]][[You trip.]]You roll down a hill, but you miraculously did not hit any tree or rocks on the way down. But when you try to get up, you see your right knee bloodied up.
"Are you okay?!"
You wince at Hanna who appears before you and you give an unconvincing smile. You get up by balancing yourself on the tree.
"Yeah, nothing too bad."
[[The pain stings.]]You look around you. You're surrounded by trees who pity your flight. Birds cawk and fly into the thunderous night. Your heart's pumping blood that is dripping from your knees.
[[You start laughing uncontrollably.]]This is the scenario you've always dreamed of doing when your ennui gets you in school. You've always wanted to beat someone like Clara to a pulp and then run into the woods with Hanna.
It's a fantasy and a nightmare at the same time. You are drawn and repulsed by its allure.
[[And you're now living in it.]]You don't know if you're crying or laughing. Maybe, it's both. The rain's so loud you can't hear your own thoughts, let alone Hanna's words. You see Hanna float away a bit and you are left alone to think about your own feelings.
[[You have no idea what to feel. Or rather, you feel something is finally being lifted from your chest.]]The rain lessens up a bit and your knee doesn't sting as much.
[[You wash your hair in the rain. At least, this feels good.]]Hanna returns with bad news and more bad news: "I checked up at the police station and they know it's you. They're slowing down immigration control since they think you might escape the country. What are your plans now?"
You can tell she's trying to hold it in together. You know that she blames herself for putting you in this situation and failing to stop you from going to school. A part of you wants to assure her that it's not her fault, but you know this isn't the time and place for it.
[[So, you resume running.]]"Wait, where are you going?!"
A startled Hanna starts to chase after you.
"I don't know," you cry, "but I'm going to run. I'm going to run to somewhere where people like me and you can get accepted."
"Where's that?" she screams in exasperation, "You know that doesn't exist!"
[[You laugh and say, "That's why we're running. We're running to a place that we'll never reach!"]]Your legs are wearing you down and begging you to stop, but you order your legs to keep working.
"But if we keep running," you say as you look back at Hanna, "no one can catch up to us!"
[[You end your speech with rapturous laughter.]]You feel like you're running against the limits imposed to you by time and society. They will catch up to you, but this is the freedom you and Hanna have always desired since you were young.
Freedom is a privilege immersed in guilt and violence and you don't want to squander the precious little you have away.
[[And so, you run and feel alive for the first time.]]Where are you two going?
How are you two going to fend off society?
How will you make amends for what you've done?
[[All important questions, but that's not what you need to answer now.]]You get out of the forest and end up in a part of Singapore you're not familiar with. Hanna stops you and she scours the place before giving you the all-clear.
There's only one thing you can do right now: [[cross the road.]]You recall your first period's assignment:
*Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.*
[[You run across the road and never look back.]](set:$complete to 1)another day, another life
(if:$end1 is 1)[{
END1: The Lesser-Travelled Road}](if:$end1 is 0)[{
(locked)}]
(if:$end2 is 1)[{
END2: for we in our youth did these things}](if:$end2 is 0)[{
(locked)}]
(if:$end3 is 1)[{
END3: The Ones Who Go Against Omelas}](if:$end3 is 0)[{
(locked)}]
(if:$end4 is 1)[{
END4: If I can stop two hearts from breaking}](if:$end4 is 0)[{
(locked)}]
[[Restart from the beginning.->prologue]]
[[Or perhaps, you want to grab or ditch the umbrella?->wear your school shoes]]
[[Or instead, would you like to see what you could've done when you confronted Clara?->Your brain turns off.]]
(if:($end1 is 1) and ($end2 is 1) and ($end3 is 1) and ($end4 is 1))[{
Damn, you read through this entire kusoge. I'm impressed. Guess I'll have to link you the [[secret afterword]].}](link:"**END1: The Lesser-Travelled Road**")[(set:$end1 to 1)(go-to:"ending")]**Afterword**
*"True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country." - A quote commonly (mis)attributed to Kurt Vonnegut*
Thank you for finishing *Hanna, We're Going to School*, my first horror(??????) Twine title. I guess I should explain why I submitted this slice-of-life game to a jam meant for horror games and the writing process behind it lol.
A quick introduction to myself: I'm Kastel (@highimpactsex on Twitter and Cohost) and I write about Japanese subculture media and other fun stuff. I am also part of a yuri visual novel collective called Prof. Lily.
But most of the time, I usually spend exploring subculture stuff. I've been getting into interactive fiction (Porpentine's Twine titles really influenced me) and I thought about making my own Twine game at some point.
I was on the middle of packing up stuff when I saw Danielle Riendeau (editor-in-chief of GameDeveloper.com) on cohost announcing their intentions to participate in a game jam called Scream Jam. And I thought, "This could be fun to think about."
But I didn't really want to write "traditional" horror. I finished *Anchorhead*, which is honestly a fine Lovecraftian horror thriller, and ended up feeling deflated at the end. It was atmospheric and the writing's stellar, but I just felt like I wouldn't remember a thing or two about it. I ended up writing a post about how the most interesting horror is the one that exaggerates what is already strange about everyday life, just that we've learned to grow desensitized to it.
That insight came from a game I had just finished: *Yuuyami Doori Tankentai* is a PS1 horror game about middle schoolers running around a dying suburb investigating urban legends and mysteries. But as you play more, you'll learn that these three characters are sorta investigating these horrors because their life at middle school and home actually suck. The characters know people around them are getting bullied and they're pigeonholed into the lower caste, so they just keep doing their thing. What was at first a simulation of middle school life gradually became a horror of the everyday life. The game is jank, but it has so much heart that it is perhaps one of my favorite video games of all time.
I wanted to do something similar for this jam, but I realized I didn't have much time. I was already hours behind since I didn't know about the jam until that post. And I had to quickly decide on something, so I figured I'd grab something from my bag of ideas and picked a relationship I've always found interesting: the cute relationship between Zakuro and Kimika from *Subarashiki Hibi*.
In that visual novel, Zakuro and Kimika are ostracized members in high school. But if you play your cards right and ignore the true route, you could have them team up and do some cute dating stuff. That route always felt odd to me, so I figured I could grab their dynamic and try something else. This would, of course, be Hanna and Jing.
For the SubaHibi fans out there, the premise is basically "what if Zakuro haunts Kimika and helps Kimika survive high school?" I think this idea had (and still has) potential to be a full-length title, but I wanted to give it a spin for this jam.
I wanted to simulate an entire high school day between these two characters and see how they buddy up with each other. I wanted to focus on this instead of making Hanna a full-blown apparition because it's about relationships, not some spooky ghost stories. Stories about relationships are nice and easy for me. I thought this would be a short enough game that it would prove satisfying to me and the readers. I imagined this would be a quick write-up and spent as much meticulous care as I can to the work.
Uh, woops.
The word count has definitely gone over 10k words and I'm unsure if I'm exactly satisfied by my own exploration of the ideas. There's a lot of things I'd like to add to make the experience more "immersive". I also think Clara needs an entire route to herself. Ah, this is what happens when you are winging it for like everything.
But for a first solo Twine project that didn't have much planning? It's honestly not a bad work.
If I may offer my authorial interpretation of the work, the idea behind this game gradually evolved into the fantasies I used to have when I was in school. The people around me were folks who's gonna be the diplomats of the future and I always looked down on myself. It didn't help my English wasn't that great. And while I don't think there are Claras and Dans in my school, there could be someone like them lurking in the corner. I felt like I was suffocating each day. And I'm sure some of my "friends" liked me because I was that quirky Chinese person.
And I wanted to specifically capture the feeling that I didn't know if I could grow up. I didn't know if I could survive this school. I had these nightmarish visions where reincarnation is real and I have to go back to school to relearn everything: history, science, math, and worst of all: social cues. Death didn't feel so much a salvation as it is a postponement. I think that's why Hanna turns out to be a character who can't go away. She's trapped in school as much as Jing was.
The routes all involve the fantasies I had: the violent escape, the free romantic, the camaraderie of the opperssed, and forgiveness. They're all fantasies Jing and I wished for. Each fantasy plays on some carnal desire adolescents like me had during school. What if things went this way? What if I didn't do that? These what-if scenarios, especially END1, always haunted me. I didn't want to deny their existence nor do I want to say they're particularly wrong. Even END1 is something kids like me would've done and we can't really criticize them for that. I wanted to write it in such a way that acknowledges the consequences of that behavior and yet validates how liberating it actually is. For people familiar with my line of work, this ending also serves as a reflection on Setoguchi's *CARNIVAL* and its sequel novel as well as the ending of *Battle Royale*'s film adaptation. Young adults want that freedom, even if the means can be gross. I don't want to be like the "grown-up adults" of the room: I want to say these fantasies exist because the way schools and societies are maintained is just wrong.
And I don't necessarily agree with Jing either, but I want to voice her opinions out. When Jing called Clara for being a baby in END2, even my younger self would avoid that infantilizing language. I would find that too ableist. But Jing is autonomous from me and this is her true feelings for Clara. Letting her speak her mind, even if I disagree with her, is the only way I can give respect and credence to her.
Some of the stuff younger people would say are going to be demoralizing, gross, and hurtful. But if you try to sift through their loaded language, they have the same feelings about insecurity and freedom as many adults do. They just don't have the vocabulary for it, so they'll curse society instead of capitalism for example. But instead of lecturing them about the "right enemy" or how they should behave, I feel that making them realize they're not alone in having these feelings is more fruitful. Repressing their needs is just going to make the situation worse.
I guess this work is really me thinking about my own adolescence and what I would've liked to see growing up. I'm sure readers have heard the advice, "Write what you would've liked to see", but I may have taken this advice too literally, heh. This is something I would've loved to read when I was younger: a work that spoke to my isolation and fear of living would've done wonders for my mental health.
If a reader disparagingly thought a high schooler and not some loser turning 30 this year wrote this, I'd be pleased. I want this work to be as authentic a depiction of high school as it could be. I avoided any jargon or any high-minded concepts that may give the game away. If you wanted that, just read *SubaHibi*. Instead, I stuck with poetry and short story references that someone could've been forced to learn during school.
I'm very satisfied with this project for what it is and I hope readers get some enjoyment, even if it's not exactly a capital-h horror title. For what it is, it isn't half-bad as a project where I was winging it for, like, everything. I want to revisit the cast and setting someday for a full-length project. If you like this game enough to read this rambling afterword, please write a comment. Any kind of comment would do. Thank you, again, for reading the work and I hope to see you again someday.
[[April 22, 2022->ending]]**Credits:**
Writer, Programmer, Worst Scripter: Kastel
Mean Girl Consultant: Len
Playtesters and Feedback: Len, Choja, Selector, perpetuallyNewGuy, Cyrano de Bergerac, Katherine, Saori, Leon
[[Return.->From that day on, Hanna lived alongside me.]](link:"all ends")[(set:$end1 to 1)(set:$end2 to 1)(set:$end3 to 1)(set:$end4 to 1)(go-to:"ending")]"The fuck's gone into you?! Are you into sissies? Is that why? You want to defend him, is that why?" Clara spits into your face. "I thought you were one of *us*! Get the fuck out of my --"
[[You land your fist right into her nose before she gets any say.]]Clara's nose is bloodied up, but she's not afraid of saying more shit to you, "I'm gonna call my dad and you're gonna be in big trouble, you fucking bitch."
That cracked you up.
"What's so funny? You know who my dad is, right? He'll skewer you ali --"
"I'm just laughing," you say, "because I got into a squabble with some kindergartener."
[[You let go of her shirt and roll on the floor laughing.]]"The fuck is wrong with you?" Clara scuttles away as if you're diseased. "You're fucking mental. I'm gonna call up my dad."
"Go ahead," you say, "you're literally some baby."
["What did you just call me?"]<c1|
[]<c2| (click:?c1)[(replace:?c2)["A baby. A fucking crying baby who's so insecure they need to put down others. They whine about how they have power when all they're doing is sucking up to those who actually wield it. And they think that if enough people watch them pretend-play as adults, then they'll magically grow up. Too bad they won't because they're babies that need their diapers to be changed. They'll come wailing for daddy and mommy once they've shit themselves. If you and your kind are given the keys to rule the world, then I'm pleased to say the world's going to hell."
[[You grin. You finally let out what you wanted to say to Clara for ages.]]]]"Y-You're horrible." Clara is going crocodile tears on you and that makes you laugh harder. "You don't know what I went through and how --"
"I don't," you say. "You could live a pathetic life for all I care, but you're revealing yourself to be a fucking baby. Hanna died because of babies like you. She and you are honestly not that different, but your baby shit pushed her away. You could've helped her, you could've empathized with her, but you didn't because you're a fucking immature baby."
"SHUT UP, SHUT UP. I'M NOT HAVING ANY OF THIS GAY STUFF. GET OUT OF MY FACE."
[["No, you get the fuck out of my face, you homophobe."]]Clara runs out of the classroom, leaving you and Hanna alone.
You let out a good sigh and turn to Hanna who's tearing up.
[["What's wrong?" you ask with a smile.]]["You're going to be in trouble."]<c1|
[]<c2| (click:?c1)[(replace:?c2)["Whatever, I'm just being principled."
[]<c3|]](click:?c2)[(replace:?c3)["You don't have to stand up for me." Hanna bites her lips. "I'm dead."
[]<c4|]](click:?c3)[(replace:?c4)["Doesn't matter," you say, your hand hovering near her cheeks, "I wanted to do this for you."
[]<c5|]](click:?c4)[(replace:?c5)["Why?"
[]<c6|]](click:?c5)[(replace:?c6)["I like you."
[]<c7|]](click:?c6)[(replace:?c7)["How?"
[]<c8|]](click:?c7)[(replace:?c8)["I think you're cute and very helpful."
[]<c9|]](click:?c8)[(replace:?c9)[Hanna vigorously shakes her head.
[]<c10|]](click:?c9)[(replace:?c10)[You vigorously nod your head.
[]<c11|]](click:?c10)[(replace:?c11)["I just don't believe that at all."
[]<c12|]](click:?c11)[(replace:?c12)["What if I say, 'I love you'?"
[]<c13|]](click:?c12)[(replace:?c13)["Huh?"
[]<c14|]](click:?c13)[(replace:?c14)["Yeah, because I love you."
[]<c15|]](click:?c14)[(replace:?c15)["I'm... not... alive..."
[]<c16|]](click:?c15)[(replace:?c16)["I know, but I can feel my heart beating for you."
[]<c17|]](click:?c16)[(replace:?c17)["I'm not even a girl..."
[]<c18|]](click:?c17)[(replace:?c18)["You are. And even if you aren't, I'll make exceptions."
[]<c19|]](click:?c18)[(replace:?c19)["Stop..."
[]<c20|]](click:?c19)[(replace:?c20)["I don't care if you believe it or not. But after I told Clara to her face what I actually thought, I realized I wanted to say what I felt about you too."
[]<c21|]](click:?c20)[(replace:?c21)["Jing..."
[]<c22|]](click:?c21)[(replace:?c22)[[["I wish I can kiss you now."]]]]You feel a gust of wind on your lips and you close your eyes and you embrace her as much as you can and you think about those days of longing to be together with her are now over and you don't care if this isn't actually kissing or that you're in a relationship with some ghost as long as you and Hanna are happy and you are imagining a future where you and Hanna are exploring the world without any limitations and you two will be living the happiest days of your lives.
[[You open your eyes and see Hanna grin. It's always been love at first sight.]]You hear loud footsteps coming from the stairs and say, "Looks like I might get detention. Or even better, expelled."
"Well," Hanna says, "I didn't want you to be in too much trouble. But I did say I didn't want you to go to school."
[[You both smirk at each other.]]As expected, you're ordered into detention for the next two weeks. The superintendent shakes their head in disapproval and wonders loudly if your good grades might not save you from societal ostracization.
Your parents pick you up and don't say a word to you. You can tell they're disappointed at least.
You're grounded with no computer time or anything like that and you know the consequences won't stop there. That's fine, though. You go to your bed and roll to see Hanna's glowing face.
You both kiss.
When she lets go, she says, "I can't wait to do more beautiful things together with you."
[[You beam and say, "Yes, many and beautiful things," before closing your eyes.]](link:"**END2: for we in our youth did these things**")[(set:$end2 to 1)(go-to:"ending")](link:"**END3: The Ones Who Go Against Omelas**")[(set:$end3 to 1)(go-to:"ending")](CSS:"font-size:70%")["Hey, you didn't answer my question."] The voice gets smaller and smaller as you walk away. (CSS:"font-size:50%")["Who the hell's Hanna? Answer me!"]
[[You go down the steps and get out of the school.]]Before you reach the gates, rain splashes into view. You are still in the shade of the school buildings when you open up your umbrella.
"Hey," you say as you extend the umbrella to Hanna, "get in here."
Hanna, still unsure what just transpired, says, "What for? I'm a ghost."
[["Doesn't matter."]]She cuddles up with you under the umbrella and you can feel the wind touch your neck. [[You go out into the rain and she follows.]]As you two exit the gates, you see Harold sitting on the curb of the road in the middle of the rain. Hanna goes ahead and checks what's up with him.
[[You hurry to Harold.]]"He's alright," you hear Hanna say when you finally get close to him, "but he seems downtrodden."
You pat Harold on the shoulder and he looks up.
"Get away. I don't need any help."
Hanna clearly wants to help Harold and doesn't want to leave him by himself. [[You feel the same.]]"Here," you say as you put down your umbrella beside him.
He looks up and sees you're now soaked in rainwater.
"I don't need it."
"I don't need it either," you say and [[walk off]].Hanna chases after you and says, "He says he doesn't need it and you're getting drenched!"
"I can take a hot shower later."
"I don't get it. I don't get you at all. You're too nice to me and others. I don't deserve it."
[[You say, "Well, I just felt like doing it."]]"Hanna, I know what I want to be when I get older."
"What?"
[["I'm gonna be someone who helps out people like you, Harold, and me."]]"You want to be a teacher?"
"With my grades and hatred of authority?" You chortle and taste the rain entering your mouth. "Hell no, what I want to do is look out for us, the losers of society. We are all trash reviled by everyone. Our bodies hurt, our minds deprived, we are alone and never taken seriously by our peers and adults. But I know I can't fall into despair, not when people less fortunate than me are suffering far more. I will use my worn-out body once more and figure something out. I don't know exactly what I want to do -- write? draw? research? sing? -- but I know there's one thing I want to figure out: how do we survive?"
[[You close your eyes and feel the rain soak into your body.]]"I don't know how we'll get to it, but I know it can't be done through words. Diversity? Acceptance? Inclusion? Those are just words to me. Even if they ring true and the world becomes all-accepting, it can still hurt. Our wounds don't close up the second poverty is gone. We aren't talking about survival here and I just want everyone to survive. I want to look out for them. I want everyone to be happy."
The rain hasn't let up. It feels great.
"God, now I know why school loves to assign us *Catcher in the Rye*. All the adults think they're catchers in the rye," you continue, "they want to catch all the innocent kids who've accidentally jumped overboard. But there's never been a rye field. It's a barren field that's full of mud and nothing else. The kids there are brawling and choking each other to earn their breadcrumbs. When they fall through the cracks, some of them land into the loving arms of the catchers and put them back into that shitty field. But the others don't."
"And we're the ... ones who never got caught," Hanna says.
[["Exactly."]]"We are the kids who are still falling," Hanna says, "and the catchers have forgotten us. Or maybe, they know and that's why they let us fall. There's only so much room in that field. There's more 'deserving' children out there than we are. We are disposable."
"Yeah, we definitely are."
"I wish my parents, my therapist, Clara -- I wish they knew what I was going through. It hurts to be seen as someone I'm not: a usable man. They throw me away when I can't be what they want to be. It hurts. I just don't know what to do and that's why ... nobody caught me."
[[You two fall into silence.]]You suddenly stop feeling the rain and the raindrops seem to be hitting against some fabric.
"You're a weird one talking to yourself."
You look behind and see Harold holding an umbrella on top of you.
"I thought I was the weird one drawing tanks," he continues, "but you seem like you're talking to some ghost."
You chuckle and say, "I might have until you shooed her away," before [[winking at Hanna]].You ask Harold, "You feeling better?"
"I'm fine, but I caught you monologuing about diversity and catchers. I got curious. You just kinda stopped, though. What were you on about?"
"What I want to do when I grow up."
"That's a long while away." He wryly smiles. "Especially for me."
"I know, that's why I'm thinking about it."
[[You walk into the rain and Harold tries to shield you from the rain.]]"I was talking to Hanna about how we three are just the kids who fell through the cracks and --"
"Who's Hanna?"
Hanna gets visibly nervous and tries to shh you. She's probably worried that Harold might think you're crazy.
"I'll introduce you to her tomorrow," you say before glancing at her and gesturing that it's fine. "But unfortunately, she's mine."
Hanna blushes and Harold scratches his hair in confusion.
[[You try to cover your laughter with your hands.]]"Anyway, I want to carve out a space for all of us who've been shunned from the world. The people up there in that barren field and their catchers, they can stay there as much as they want. We're already in freefall, so we should build a city where it falls with us -- no, alongside us. Hanna, you, and me, we're gonna help create a place for the people who are struggling to survive. Just like us. A utopia where no one can get hurt again. A rye field where everyone can actually frolic and live happily."
You run ahead and jump into a puddle, splashing Harold (and Hanna).
[["The catchers have never seen a rye field. We'll show them one."]]"I don't know what you're on about," Harold says, giggling and brushing the mud away from his face, "but I'm with you."
He drops the umbrella and jumps into the puddle, splashing the muddy water back at you. You laugh.
Hanna, on the other hand, seems to be [[taking in it slowly]].
The wind and the rain rush around you. Harold can even see the waters circle around you and his jaw drops out of astonishment. You hear Hanna's voice fleeting through the cacophany, but you can barely make out what Hanna is saying over and over again:
[["Thank you, Jing."]]"That sounds beautiful, but those spaces don't come cheap..."
"If we can't find a space where we can breathe, I'm gonna grab a hammer and smash the walls around us. Something will budge. And then, we can have our own room together and --"
[[Hanna suddenly embraces you, her arms tightly around you.]]"Do you think you can make a world where someone like me can be accepted?"
You get the feeling she's uncertain if you're being naive and optimistic, but she wants to believe that you've got a plan.
You touch her cheeks and say, "I'm not going to make a world where you or I will be accepted. That doesn't exist and never will. But I want to get ourselves a space where all of us can mingle, talk about what we want, and help each other out in times of need. A space where we can finally breathe and realize that we're all alive and in it together."
[[You flick Hanna's tear away.]](link:"**END4: If I can stop two hearts from breaking**")[(set:$end4 to 1)(go-to:"ending")]"W-What the hell? Are you --"
"ARE YOU OKAY?!"
Hanna flies through Clara without thinking and Clara suddenly sneezes from the breeze. You don't respond. [[You just sob.]]You feel worthless. Dead. You're just a stubborn kid who wants to prove to a ghost that you can survive school, but look at yourself: you're crying in front of someone who's tortured you for your entire life.
"Jesus Christ, why --"
You feel your body pushed down to the ground and you open your eyes. Clara is on top of you.
"Why are you like this?"
Her hands are on your wrists. She's crying on your face.
[["Why do you love him?"]]"Don't you get scared when guys go into our bathrooms? They might rape us, murder us, and wear our clothes. But you love him, even when he's a faggot. You've always been close with him since middle school and I hated it. You never asked me to play sports together. It's always you and him. I know we're from different castes, but so was he. He always kept approaching you and cheering you up when you're down. You never listened to me. I hated you and him. I kept thinking him in drag fucking you and bringing you down with him. And the whole idea sickens me. I want to be friends with you. I want to be close with you. But you keep going for him and I get stressed out. Why him? Why not me? I don't know why I can't stop thinking so much about you, but I can't get you out of my mind. And I saw you and ---- hold hands and I wanted to vomit. I want to be the one holding your hands. I want you to be mine. But the only way I can think of getting close to you is getting you a boyfriend. And then, we can be bridesmaids and be close to each other. I'd be okay with it. I don't want him to be close to you. And I was so happy when he died. Like, I've never felt so much joy over someone's death. I can finally be close to you and learn more about you. But you keep ignoring me. You keep ignoring my praise, my affection, my everything for you... I don't know what you think of me, but I -- I think I like you. I like you a lot, but I don't know. Isn't it weird for girls to like each other? My family told me gay people go to hell. I don't know what to say to you. Am I going to hell? All I know is that I can't stand you dating him. I feel like if I let you two stay together, I'll never get you again. I'll never be with you. I don't want that. I don't want that. Jing, I think I love you."
[[She forces her lips onto you.]]You feel her tongue press on yours and you get intoxicated by it and --
"Jing!"
Hanna's shriek pierces through your mind and [[you shake your hands hard enough that Clara falls back]].You get up and try to wipe off Clara's lipstick on you, but you know you can't erase the guilt away. You don't want to see Hanna's upset face, so you look away.
"I'm sorry," Clara says, "I know you still love him."
"Her," you say.
[["Her."]]"What was her name?"
You hear Hanna stop sobbing and you look up at Clara. Clara's clutching her skirt and her untied hair covers her face.
"I know it's unfair to ask for her name when I'm an ass to her, but..."
Hanna floats toward her and she glances at you and nods.
"... it's Hanna, right?"
[[You and Hanna do a double take.]]"Hanna is a really nice name," Clara says, "I wish I could call her that."
Hanna tears up hearing that and you say, "I think she would appreciate that."
"I wish I was more honest with myself. I think it's too late."
[[Clara cries into her shirt.]]"I worry about you," Clara says to you, "you're always talking to yourself. Well, Hanna. That's who you're talking to. I feel like I've hurt you both. I..."
Hanna floats to you and says, "Tell Clara about the secret hideout in the basement."
You say just that and it's Clara's turn to be surprised.
"How did you know that?"
[[You bring up that Hanna has been haunting you since she passed away.]]"She saw all that?"
You nod and Clara's skin turns pale.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
"Tell Clara I forgive her."
You do just that and Clara worsens.
[["I can't," she says, "I don't deserve to be forgiven."]]"The only way I can forgive is if I kill myself. I --"
Hanna hugs Clara and the wind goes around her.
"H-Hanna?"
You resume translating Hanna's words and say, [["She says you shouldn't. You don't need to die."]]"But I betrayed you so many times," Clara cries, "and I'm jealous of you getting Jing. I need to atone my sins. I could become a ghost and --"
"You might not come back as a ghost."
Clara gasps.
"If you die, Jing will be left alone. I will be left alone," Hanna says through you, "I don't want that."
"I --"
[["I want you to stay on too," you say, "this is me and not Hanna."]]"I can't forgive you myself," you say as you lurch forward to Clara, "but you're hurt. You're just hurt in a different way from Hanna and me. I don't want to ignore that. You may have harmed me and other people, but you are also a victim trying to survive. I don't know why you've turned out like this, but you have a painful history as much as Hanna and I do. And I don't want to hurt you, even if you hurt me. I don't know what I want to say to you, but --"
You hug Clara and feel the wind circle around you. (click-append:"You hug Clara and feel the wind circle around you.")[
[["I want you to stay with me too."]]][[Clara bawls till the gray clouds go away and reveal the evening sky.]]After Clara simmers down and you three get out of school, you say, "So, you've always had a crush on me."
Clara's cheeks redden and she says, "Guilty as charged."
Hanna laughs. You still aren't sure what to think about Clara's feelings for you and you can't deny it turns you off a bit, but...
"W-What does Hanna think?"
You have to admit Clara revealing her vulnerability to you and Hanna is kinda cute.
[["Tell her," Hanna says to you, "to show you the secret hideout."]]"The secret hideout?"
You let the words out your mouth.
Clara steps ahead of you and says, "Okay, Hanna. I'll show her the basement."
Hanna rushes and hugs her from behind.
[["Hahahaha, you're tickling me."]]You watch the two talk to each other, even though they can't communicate. And you wonder how this relationship between you three will pan out. A nerdy girl, an upper-class jock, and a ghost trans girl don't seem like it'd make for a good elevator pitch for a TV show drama.
[[But hearing the laughs and chatter make you think this future won't be too bad.]]You look at Hanna.
And you look at Clara.
[[Finally, you reflect on yourself.]]
(click-append:"You look at Hanna")[ who finally feels at ease with Clara. She's the happiest you've ever seen. You don't know how long Hanna will stick around haunting you, but you want her to stay as long as possible and treasure this moment]
(click-append:"And you look at Clara")[ who doesn't seem too bad once she stops being dishonest with herself. She's able to talk to Hanna, even if she can't see or hear her. You and Hanna still have complicated feelings toward her, but you get the feeling the more you two know about her, the likelier you'll be able to forgive her]You've always thought about ending your life because you don't feel like you matter to the world. And you're still correct in your assessment: the world sees you as a minor statistic compared to the kids in your school who will one day rule the world. Your classmates will be the Presidents and Prime Ministers if you ever live long enough and you're dead sure that the world under their leadership will be garbage.
You don't want to wake up one day and see your classmates bring down the world with them. [[And you're not going to make a difference anyway.]]But maybe, you shouldn't be thinking about taking on global politics by yourself. You can't stop wars or embargos that your classmates will start. No amount of persuasion will halt the inevitable.
[[But you're not powerless either.]]"Jing," Clara says, "can I stay in your place? I can call up my parents. It's getting late and... I want to be with you two."
Hanna grins at you and says, "Just make sure to delete your browser history, hehe."
[[You run up to them.]]You can hear the aching of their hearts, battered and beaten. One is alive, one is dead. But they beat equally for you. You matter to them and you want to make them happy.
If you can stop their hearts from breaking, you know [[you will not live in vain.]]Bullying, suicidal ideation, vomit, violence, racism, gender dysphoria, sex, transphobia, and other fun stuff commonly observed in schools.
If you want more specific and spoilery details, click here.
[[Return.->From that day on, Hanna lived alongside me.]]
(click-replace:"If you want more specific and spoilery details, click here.")[The protagonists are in an international school where bullying reinforces the hierarchy. The narrator gets anxious and sick enough that she may vomit in a scene after watching someone get humiliated on stage. She dreams of killing herself someday and has violent fantasies about beating a bully up. Her ghost friend is a trans woman who has experienced direct transphobic comments and is questioning whether she is actually trans because there's a nagging thought that she's doing it in order to escape the national draft. And there's a lot of casual references to sex and their consequences as well.]
<br><br><br><br><br><br>
(font:"Lexend")[(size:1.6)[Hanna,]
we're going to school.]
<br><br>(font:"Chivo Mono")[(size:0.5)[ghosts | slice of life | trauma]]