,,,//to you
(live: 1.5s)[(transition:"dissolve")[and everyone still haunted by the ghosts of a broken heart](stop:)]
(live: 3.5s)[(transition:"dissolve")[and are healing.](stop:)]
//
//(live: 5.5s)[(transition:"dissolve")[''i wish you were'' (text-colour:#a2243b) [ [[dead.|beginning]] ] ] ] //''Me: ''Look– I love you. I love you. So much.
(live: 3s)[(transition:"fade")[//My hands start shaking as I try to hold back my tears.//](stop:)]
(live: 6s)[(transition:"fade")[But– I don’t think I’m in the best place right now to try to… work this out. I don’t think I can give this relationship what it needs right now. And I don’t think you deserve that.](stop:)]
(live: 12s)[(transition:"fade")[//I’m not lying. I’m telling her the truth.//](stop:)]
(live: 14s)[//Technically.//](stop:)
(live: 16s)[(transition:"fade")[//She takes a deep breath. Seeping through her eyes is a glimpse of “ok, let’s talk about this.”//](stop:)]
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [(live: 19s)[(transition:"fade")[''Her:'' Look– I know we’re in a rough spot. I know.](stop:)]
(live: 22s)[(transition:"fade")[But I don’t need you to give us a 100%, if you don’t– if you can’t. I get it. I’ll give more than my 100% for a bit, if you need me to.](stop:)] ]
(live: 27s)[(transition:"fade")[//Fuck. Fuck– no. This is not–//](stop:)]
(live: 29s)[//This is making it harder.//](stop:)
(live: 31s)[//Why is she saying this?//](stop:)
(live: 33s)[(transition:"fade")[''Me: ''I–](stop:)]
(live: 34s)[I don’t feel like I deserve that.](stop:)
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [(live: 37s)[''Her:'' But //I //do.](stop:)]
(live: 39s)[(transition:"fade")[//I need to think about what to say. I don’t know how to get out of this.//](stop:)]
(live: 40s)[(transition:"fade")[(text-colour:#a2243b) [ [["But– why?"]]
[["Well– it’s– it’s not up to discussion. I’ve made my choice."]] ] ](stop:)]//Okay. Fuck.//
(live: 2s)[//Damn it.//](stop:)
(live: 4s)[//I didn’t want this to be like–//](stop:)
(live: 6s)[//Like this.//](stop:)
(if: $promise is 1) [(live: 8s)[(transition:"fade")[//But she’s being so kind, and open, and… understanding.//](stop:)]
(live: 11s)[(transition:"fade")[//Why?//](stop:)]
(live: 14s)[(transition:"fade")[//I can’t keep hiding the truth from her.//](stop:)]
(live: 17s)[(transition:"fade")[//At this point, it’d hurt her more if I did.//](stop:)]
(live: 21s)[(transition:"fade")[//As my eyes meet hers, I take a deep breath. Amidst our eye contact anxiety, resentment, regret, and desperation all brew long enough for me to finally gather myself together and finally tell her.//](stop:)]
(live: 29s)[''Me:'' Who–](stop:)
(live: 36s)[(transition:"fade")[ (text-colour:#DA5870) [ [[Who’s "Link"?]] ] ](stop:)] ]
(if: $easier is 1) [(live: 8s)[//But the last thing I wanted was to upset her.//](stop:)
(live: 11s)[//And I already half-failed.//](stop:)
(live: 14s)[//Fuck. Whatever.//](stop:)
(live: 16s)[//It’ll be worse if I don’t tell her the truth.//](stop:)
(live: 20s)[(transition:"fade")[//As my eyes meet hers, I take a deep breath. Amidst our eye contact anxiety, resentment, regret, and desperation all brew long enough for me to finally gather myself together and finally tell her.//](stop:)]
(live: 28s)[''Me:'' Who–](stop:)
(live: 36s)[(transition:"fade")[ (text-colour:#DA5870) [ [[Who’s "Link"?]] ] ](stop:)] ]
(if: $promise and $easier is 0) [(live: 8s)[(transition:"fade")[//As my eyes meet hers, I take a deep breath. Amidst our eye contact anxiety, resentment, regret, and desperation all brew long enough for me to finally gather myself together and finally tell her.//](stop:)]
(live: 15s)[''Me:'' Who–](stop:)
(live: 22s)[(transition:"fade")[ (text-colour:#DA5870) [ [[Who’s "Link"?]] ]](stop:)] ](set: $her to $her + 1)
''Me:'' But– why?
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [(live: 3s)[(transition:"fade")[''Her:'' Well– I forgave you for a reason.](stop:)] ]
(live: 6s)[''Me:'' I know, but I don’t–](stop:)
(live: 8s)[(transition:"fade")[//My jaw clenches.//](stop:)]
(live: 10s)[–feel like I’ve earned your forgiveness yet. And I don’t think I can.](stop:)
(live: 13s)[(transition:"fade")[//Her eyes dart straight to mine. I know she’s telling me something. She doesn’t know it, but I know her well enough. What every single movement and twitch and fidget means.//](stop:)]
(live: 19s)[(transition:"fade")[//She’s pressing her ring finger against her thumb.//](stop:)]
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [(live: 21s)[(transition:"fade")[''Her:'' I love you. I’ll wait for however long you need. Really.](stop:)]
(live: 25s)[(transition:"fade")[I love you.](stop:)] ]
(live: 27s)[(transition:"fade")[//She bites her lower lip.//](stop:)]
(live: 29s)[(transition:"fade")[''Me:'' Look– this is not easy. Please– don’t make it harder than it needs to be. It’s just not good for us anymore.](stop:)]
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [(live: 34s)[''Her:'' But I–](stop:)
(live: 35s)[I just–](stop:)
(live: 38s)[Ok. Help me understand.](stop:)
(live: 40s)[(transition:"fade")[…Is that ok?](stop:)] ]
(live: 42s)[(transition:"fade")[(text-colour:#a2243b) [ [["I just don’t want to hurt you. Not anymore."]]
[["There’s nothing to understand. It’s just how it is."]] ] ](stop:)](set: $her to $her - 1)
''Me:'' Well– it’s– it’s not up to discussion. I’ve made my choice.
(live: 4s)[(transition:"fade")[//She’s taken aback by my bluntness. It’s out of character. But I need it if I want to get this over with.//](stop:)]
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [ (live: 10s)[(transition:"fade")[''Her:'' I don’t get it. We were fine.](stop:)]
(live: 13s)[I mean– not //fine//, but we were working on it. When— did you make this decision?](stop:) ]
(live: 15s)[(transition:"fade")[//I hesitate.//](stop:)]
(live: 18s)[(transition:"fade")[''Me:'' I–](stop:)]
(live: 19s)[For a while now.](stop:)
(live: 22s)[After we–](stop:)
(live: 23s)[(transition:"fade")[//I stop myself before giving her more material to talk back.//](stop:)]
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [ (live: 26s)[(transition:"fade")[''Her:'' …](stop:)]
(live: 29s)[After we… what?](stop:) ]
(live: 31s)[''Me:'' N-nothing.](stop:)
(live: 33s)[(transition:"fade")[//She resists the urge to say anything. She’s getting frustrated.//](stop:)]
(live: 36s)[(transition:"fade")[''Me:'' Look– this is not easy. Please– don’t make it harder than it needs to be. It’s just not good for us anymore.](stop:)]
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [ (live: 41s)[''Her:'' But I–](stop:)
(live: 42s)[I just–](stop:)
(live: 44s)[(transition:"fade")[Ok. Help me understand.](stop:)]
(live: 47s)[(transition:"fade")[…Is that ok?](stop:)] ]
(text-colour:#a2243b)[ (live: 49s)[(transition:"fade")[ [["I just don’t want to hurt you. Not anymore."]]
[["There’s nothing to understand. It’s just how it is."]] ](stop:)] ](set: $trust to 1) (set: $her to $her + 1)
''Me:'' I just don’t want to hurt you. Not anymore. I don’t want to keep doing it.
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [(live: 3s)[''Her:'' It’s in the past! It’s done. I wouldn’t have come back if I didn’t want to. I could’ve //not// forgiven you.](stop:)
(live: 8s)[(transition:"fade")[There’s a reason why I did.](stop:)] ]
(live: 10s)[(transition:"fade")[//She pauses for a moment. She looks through me, as if trying to read my mind.//](stop:)]
(live: 13s)[//Something clicks. Her ears pull back.//](stop:)
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [(live: 16s)[(transition:"fade")[''Her:''...](stop:)]
(live: 18s)[(transition:"fade")[Do you…](stop:)]
(live: 21s)[Not trust me?](stop:)
(live: 24s)[(transition:"fade")[Do you think that I didn’t really forgive you?](stop:)] ]
(live: 26s)[(transition:"fade")[(text-colour:#a2243b) [ //[[Ok, fine. Let’s go with that.]]
[[No. I need to only make this about me.|1.3.1]]// ]](stop:)](set: $her to $her - 1)
''Me:'' There’s nothing to understand. It’s just how it is.
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [ (live: 4s)[''Her:'' I won’t take it. You’re not walking out on me until you give me a semblance of a reason for leaving.](stop:) ]
(live: 8s)[(transition:"fade")[//Yeah– ok. I never really was good at handling her persistence.//](stop:)]
(live: 11s)[//Probably why we’re in this situation right now.//](stop:)
(text-colour:#a2243b)[ (live: 13s)[(transition:"fade")[//[[Tell her //something.// It'll lay her off my back.|Ok, fine. Let’s go with that.]]
[[No. I need to only make this about me.|1.3.2]]// ](stop:)] ](set: $her to $her + 1)
//This is the last thing I wanted to deal with.//
(live: 3s)[//But I guess I can’t //not// give her something.//](stop:)
(live: 9s)[(transition:"fade")[//I need to be extra careful.//](stop:)]
(live: 11s)[(transition:"fade")[''Me:'' Yeah– I–](stop:)]
(live: 12s)[I guess that–](stop:)
(live: 14s)[(transition:"fade")[//How do I not make this about her and not start talking in circles?//](stop:)]
(live: 18s)[(transition:"fade")[There’s a– a distance. Between us.](stop:)]
(live: 21s)[(transition:"fade")[And– I can’t seem to get any closer. I– I try. But there’s something in me that’s not letting it–](stop:)]
(live: 24s)[Me–](stop:)
(live: 25s)[Uh–](stop:)
(live: 26s)[//Yeah, me.//](stop:)
(live: 28s)[Me–](stop:)
(live: 29s)[(transition:"fade")[Letting it go. What I did. How I hurt you.](stop:)]
(live: 32s)[(transition:"fade")[How we-](stop:)]
(live: 33s)[How we hurt each other.](stop:)
(live: 36s)[(transition:"fade")[//She raises her right eyebrow, ever so-slightly.//](stop:)]
(live: 39s)[(transition:"fade")[I guess that //I// don’t believe that you could ever forgive me.](stop:)]
(live: 42s)[I–](stop:)
(live: 43s)[//No.//](stop:)
(live: 44s)[(text-colour:#DA5870) [ //[[I won’t say that.]]// ] ](stop:)//Fuck it.//
(live: 3s)[(transition:"fade")[//I’ll say it.//](stop:)]
(live: 6s)[(transition:"fade")[''Me:'' //I// wouldn’t forgive me.](stop:)]
(live: 10s)[(transition:"fade")[And I still haven’t.](stop:)]
(live: 13s)[(transition:"fade")[I promised I would love you.](stop:)]
(live: 16s)[(transition:"fade")[//My cheek feels ticklish.//](stop:)]
(live: 18s)[//Yep. It’s a tear.//](stop:)
(live: 20s)[//Damn it.//](stop:)
(live: 22s)[(transition:"fade")[//Guess I’m going all in.//](stop:)]
(live: 24s)[//Should I?//](stop:)
(live: 26s)[//Fuck it.//](stop:)
(live: 28s)[//I– //](stop:)
(live: 30s)[(transition:"fade")[//(text-colour:#DA5870) [ [[I need to be convincing enough.]] ]//](stop:)]''Me:'' I promised– myself– I would love every single second of your existence. Every single word you said. Every step you took. Every blink and breath and beat of your heart, because they meant that you were alive. And part of my existence. My pathetic, lonely existence. I loved the meaning of my existence now that you were in it. And it sounds selfish. So selfish. But– I didn’t know what I was put on this Earth for.
(live: 13s)[(transition:"fade")[And when I met you– when I saw your– your eyes,](stop:)]
(live: 16s)[(transition:"fade")[and– and your freckles, that I didn’t believe you had until one afternoon you stayed in the sun just to prove to me that they do, indeed, come out once your skin has “absorbed the sun”,](stop:)]
(live: 22s)[(transition:"fade")[and the scar on your upper back from when you were biking in that trail near your house and the hill was so steep that you fell on your back and landed on the left pedal of your dad’s bike,](stop:)]
(live: 30s)[(transition:"fade")[when I heard you talking back to the cashier 3 aisles away from the checkout because your coupon wasn’t expired yet and he said it was and you scared him so much that he let you buy the 2 boxes of Cocoa Puffs for half the price of one,](stop:)]
(live: 38s)[(transition:"fade")[and when you spent a whole afternoon showing me the Youtube videos you recorded when you were 16 and wanted to send an audition tape to Disney Channel,](stop:)]
(live: 44s)[(transition:"fade")[and when you tried to get me to learn the dance routine for “A Night We’ll Never Forget” to convince me to audition to be an extra for //Carrie// and I ended up pulling my calf and I had to bench on Friday’s semi-finals,](stop:)]
(live: 52s)[(transition:"fade")[And when you took my hand and interlaced it with yours for the first time because you knew I was too scared to do it.](stop:)]
(live: 56s)[(transition:"fade")[And when I first kissed you.](stop:)]
(live: 59s)[(transition:"fade")[And– ](stop:)]
(live: 60s)[(transition:"fade")[every time I kissed you.](stop:)]
(live: 63s)[(transition:"fade")[Then,
I-](stop:)]
(live: 65s)[(transition:"fade")[ (text-colour:#DA5870) [ [[I knew.]] ]](stop:)]//This is all true.//
(live: 3s)[(transition:"fade")[''Me:'' And somewhere along the way I forgot how deplorable my existence was without yours. It was so– so empty, so inhuman– I couldn’t even hurt. There was nothing to be hurt about. And the first time I did– that I hurt– I felt that I had finally come into my own.](stop:)]
(live: 11s)[(transition:"fade")[And forgot why I was able to hurt in the first place.](stop:)]
(live: 15s)[(transition:"fade")[And so I hurt you.](stop:)]
(live: 18s)[(transition:"fade")[//My breathing staggers, as tears burst out my eyes and onto my jeans.//](stop:)]
(live: 21s)[//Enough.//](stop:)
(live: 23s)[And–](stop:)
(live: 24s)[I’m sor–](stop:)
(live: 25s)[(transition:"fade")[I’m //still// sorry.](stop:)]
(live: 27s)[//Enough.//](stop:)
(live: 31s)[(transition:"fade")[//I don't dare look her in the eye.//](stop:)]
(live: 33s)[(transition:"fade")[//I mean every single word. And I’ve never put it this way. I’ve never been this open– not as she is.//](stop:)]
(live: 37s)[(transition:"fade")[//It’s weird– I’m letting myself be thoroughly, utterly, unconditionally honest in order to avoid just…//](stop:)]
(live: 44s)[(transition:"fade")[//(text-colour:#DA5870) [ [[Being honest.]] ]//](stop:)]//I look up from my darkened jeans and see her shimmering red cheeks. She’s crying- but not sobbing, not how she usually is. It’s more solemn– like when she was at her grandfather’s funeral.//
(live: 5s)[(transition:"fade")[//There’s silence.//](stop:)]
(live: 9s)[(transition:"fade")[''Me:'' I- I guess that what I’m trying to say is that I don’t believe that you forgave me because I haven’t forgiven myself.](stop:)]
(live: 15s)[(transition:"fade")[//A couple more tears make their way down her face.//](stop:)]
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [(live: 19s)[''Her:'' I–](stop:)]
(live: 21s)[(transition:"fade")[//She puts her hand in her chest as she usually does when she’s having trouble breathing.//](stop:)]
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [(live: 24s)[I guess– ](stop:)
(live: 26s)[(transition:"fade")[You never told me this before.](stop:)]
(live: 30s)[Why](stop:)
(live: 32s)[didn’t you tell me (text-colour:#DA5870) [ [[this before?]] ] ]](stop:)(set: $promise to 1)
//She takes a moment, once again.//
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [(live: 5s)[(transition:"fade")[''Her:'' I guess that I never thought it was as– as– as deep as you make it sound. I never knew that it burdened you this much.](stop:)] ]
(live: 10s)[(transition:"fade")[//She looks down, her face describing a sort of deep-seated pain.//](stop:)]
(live: 13s)[(transition:"fade")[//As she finds the right words to say, her right leg begins to bounce.//](stop:)]
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [ (live: 16s)[(transition:"fade")[''Her:'' Look–](stop:)]
(live: 18s)[(transition:"fade")[I guess that what I’m trying to say is that–](stop:)]
(live: 21s)[even when I didn’t](stop:)
(live: 23s)[know](stop:)
(live: 25s)[these are the promises you couldn’t keep](stop:)
(live: 28s)[(transition:"fade")[I still decided to forgive you.](stop:)]
(live: 31s)[(transition:"fade")[So even if you never told me this…](stop:)]
(live: 34s)[(transition:"fade")[I’m still here.](stop:)]
(live: 40s)[(transition:"fade")[Why can’t you be here too?](stop:)] ]
(live: 43s)[(transition:"fade")[//I feel my heart sink to the bottom of my chest.//](stop:)]
(live: 47s)[//Is that right?//](stop:)
(live: 49s)[//To the–//](stop:)
(live: 52s)[//I feel as if my heart has become steel.//](stop:)
(live: 55s)[(transition:"fade")[//Cold, hard steel.//](stop:)]
(live: 57s)[(transition:"fade")[//And it has sunken to the bottom of the sea.//](stop:)]
(live: 60s)[(transition:"fade")[//She’s not…//](stop:)]
(live: 62s)[//Wrong.//](stop:)
(live: 64s)[(transition:"fade")[//But why is she trying so hard?//](stop:)]
(live: 68s)[(transition:"fade")[//I //am// here.//](stop:)]
(live: 72s)[(transition:"fade")[//But…//](stop:)]
(live: 76s)[(transition:"fade")[//Is she?//](stop:)]
(text-colour:#a2243b) [(live: 78s)[(transition:"fade")[//[[Tell her.|Fuck it.]]
[[I'd rather not find out.]]//](stop:)] ]//I turn my face to my left, the twinkling lights of the cityscape merging with each other as tears infect my eyes. I blink to let them go– and without taking my eyes away from the skyline, I utter the only words I could gather with the strength I have left.//
(if: $promise is 1) [(live: 10s)[(transition:"fade")[''Me:'' I](stop:)]
(live: 11s)[I just–](stop:)
(live: 13s)[(transition:"fade")[I just don’t want to anymore.](stop:)]
(live: 16s)[I thought I could do it.](stop:)
(live: 20s)[Start over.](stop:)
(live: 22s)[Awaken in you and me what we so easily felt when we first met each other.](stop:)
(live: 26s)[Without baggage. Without the past and the future to regret or fear.](stop:)
(live: 30s)[Just us.](stop:)
(live: 33s)[(transition:"fade")[I thought I could do it–](stop:)]
(live: 35s)[Un–](stop:)
(live: 36s)[Until…](stop:)
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [ (live: 38s)[(transition:"fade")[''Her:'' Until what?](stop:)] ]
(live: 40s)[''Me:'' Until I–](stop:)
(live: 42s)[(transition:"fade")[Until I woke up for the first time on the left side of the bed because you weren’t there to take over it.](stop:)]
(live: 46s)[(transition:"fade")[Until I took a picture of a sunset and realized I couldn’t send it to you.](stop:)]
(live: 50s)[(transition:"fade")[Until I heard someone sing //Jealous// and long gone were the days when you would belt it out in the car.](stop:)]
(live: 54s)[(transition:"fade")[Until I saw someone wear their watch on their right wrist and couldn’t write down one more point for you on the tab we have on your phone.](stop:)]
(live: 59s)[And I realized I had to wait until I could once again become an inhabitant of my world](stop:)
(live: 64s)[rather than feel like an intruder in it.](stop:)
(live: 69s)[(transition:"fade")[And [[it’s all my fault.]] ](stop:)] ]
(if: $easier is 1) [(live: 10s)[(transition:"fade")[''Me:'' I hadn’t realized it until–](stop:)]
(live: 12s)[//Careful.//](stop:)
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [ (live: 14s)[(transition:"fade")[''Her:'' Until what?](stop:)] ]
(live: 16s)[//Think of something.//](stop:)
(live: 18s)[''Me:'' Until I–](stop:)
(live: 20s)[(transition:"fade")[Until I woke up for the first time on the left side of the bed because you weren’t there to take over it.](stop:)]
(live: 24s)[(transition:"fade")[Until I took a picture of a sunset and realized I couldn’t send it to you.](stop:)]
(live: 28s)[(transition:"fade")[Until I heard someone sing //Jealous// and long gone were the days when you would belt it out in the car.](stop:)]
(live: 32s)[(transition:"fade")[Until I saw someone wear their watch on their right wrist and couldn’t write down one more point of you on the tab we have on your phone.](stop:)]
(live: 37s)[And I realized I had to wait until I could once again become an inhabitant of my world](stop:)
(live: 42s)[rather than feel like an intruder in it.](stop:)
(live: 48s)[(transition:"fade")[And (text-colour:#DA5870)[ [[it’s all my fault.]] ] ](stop:)] ](set: $her to $her - 1)
//I take a deep breath, and think about what I’m going to say.//
(live: 3s)[(transition:"fade")[//The whole point of this is not hurting her– how can I put this in a way that doesn’t?//](stop:)]
(live: 8s)[(transition:"fade")[''Me:'' It’s not about trust.](stop:)]
(live: 10s)[(transition:"fade")[//But it is.//](stop:)]
(live: 12s)[(transition:"fade")[//She lifts an eyebrow, her gaze about to cross the frontier to a glare.//](stop:)]
(live: 16s)[(transition:"fade")[It’s about what //I// can handle right now– and how it’s not fair to you that this is all (text-colour:#DA5870)[ [[too much for me.|1.3.2]]] ](stop:)](text-colour: #ECACB9) [ ''Her:'' W–
(live: 1s)[So–](stop:)
(live: 2s)[Huh.](stop:) ]
(live: 4s)[(transition:"fade")[//She snickers, slightly derisive.//](stop:)]
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [ (live: 6s)[(transition:"fade")[I just don’t get a say anymore, do I?](stop:)]
(live: 9s)[(transition:"fade")[On how //I// feel, or– or //you// feel, apparently?](stop:)]
(live: 13s)[So it’s okay when you feel this way](stop:)
(live: 15s)[and not when //I// do?](stop:) ]
(live: 17s)[(transition:"fade")[//No, no, no. This is not what I–//](stop:)]
(live: 19s)[(transition:"fade")[''Me:'' No! No, that’s not–](stop:)]
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [ (live: 21s)[''Her:'' //Now// you want to decide what’s fair for me and what isn’t? You were so happy to let me decide for myself before and now– that’s it? //This// is it?](stop:) ]
(live: 27s)[(transition:"fade")[//Her voice is increasing in volume, her chest rising faster and higher with every breath she takes.//](stop:)]
(live: 31s)[(transition:"fade")[//I guess I’ll just–//](stop:)]
(live: 32s)[//No.//](stop:)
(live: 34s)[(transition:"fade")[//I try to keep my composure, and place my hands beneath my legs to stop their trembling.//](stop:)]
(live: 38s)[(transition:"fade")[//Her eyes develop a crystalline envelope, but she’s frowning.//](stop:)]
(live: 41s)[(transition:"fade")[//She’s trying to hold the tears from breaking free.//](stop:)]
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [ (live: 45s)[(transition:"fade")[Just give me something. Anything.](stop:)] ]
(text-colour:#DA5870)[ (live: 49s)[(transition:"fade")[ [[Please.]] ](stop:)] ]//Fine.//
(live: 3s)[(transition:"fade")[''Me:'' Look– it’s too heavy, okay? It’s weighing me down– what I did to you, how I hurt you– it’s weighing me down. And I didn’t think it would, okay? But it is.](stop:)]
(live: 10s)[And I feel like shit.](stop:)
(live: 13s)[(transition:"fade")[//I stop processing the words before they pour out of my mouth.//](stop:)]
(live: 16s)[I feel like shit because this is all my fault, okay? Because never did I think I’d be capable of lying, betraying, and destroying the only person that I’ve ever loved!](stop:)
(live: 22s)[(transition:"fade")[//I’m not as successful as her. There’s a tickle strolling down my cheek and then bursting onto my jeans.//](stop:)]
(live: 28s)[(transition:"fade")[I thought it’d be easier! I thought it’d be easier to wait until you looked at me with the same bright-eyed affection again.](stop:)]
(live: 33s)[I thought it'd be easier not having to wake up early so I'd be the one to make coffee for both of us, and you'd owe me a cinammon scone later.](stop:)
(live: 38s)[I thought it’d be easier to hold you without knowing that I could tickle your hips so you’d flinch and you’d finally be low enough so I could kiss your head.](stop:)
(live: 45s)[I thought it’d be easier to drive by the coffee shop without parking in front of it to wait for half an hour until you finally came out and stained the car seat with whatever liquid you’d spilled that day.](stop:)
(live: 52s)[(transition:"fade")[I thought it’d be easier to love you without knowing if you would ever truly love me back the same you did before.](stop:)]
(live: 60s)[(transition:"fade")[I thought it’d be easier.](stop:)]
(live: 64s)[(transition:"fade")[So please– just (text-colour:#DA5870)[ [[let me let you go.]] ] ](stop:)](set: $easier to 1)
//She’s crying- but not sobbing, not how she usually is. It’s more solemn– like when she was at her grandfather’s funeral.//
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [ (live: 5s)[''Her:'' Where–](stop:)
(live: 7s)[Where was all this before?](stop:)
(live: 10s)[Huh?](stop:)
(live: 13s)[Why](stop:)
(live: 14s)[did you wait](stop:)
(live: 15s)[until now?](stop:) ]
(live: 18s)[(transition:"fade")[//Her gaze is set on her hands. When she’s not frantically picking at the skin around her fingernails, she’s using her sleeves to stop the stream of eyeliner-dyed tears from completing their trajectory down her face.//](stop:)]
(live: 25s)[(transition:"fade")[//I take a minute to delayedly process all I just said.// ](stop:)]
(live: 29s)[(transition:"fade")[//It’s all true.//](stop:)]
(live: 32s)[(transition:"fade")[//But it’s not the //whole// truth.//](stop:)]
(live: 35s)[(transition:"fade")[//I’ve already let go– but– fuck.//](stop:)]
(live: 38s)[(transition:"fade")[//Should I just commit to the bit? Or use her growing bitterness to just finally end this?//](stop:)]
(text-colour:#a2243b)[ //(live: 42s)[(transition:"fade")[ [[Tell her.|Fuck it.]]
[[No. Just end it.|I'd rather not find out.]] ](stop:)]// ]//Her eyes shoot up and her ears pull back.//
(live: 3s)[(transition:"fade")[//They're shifting left and right, half-blinking every now and then as if she’s trying to wake up. The rhythmic taps of her middle finger on the table are the only thing keeping the silence from becoming deafening.//](stop:)]
(live: 10s)[(transition:"fade")[//I sit and wait for my question to marinate– both to give her time to formulate her answer, and to let my heart settle down back into its usual, if slightly faster, rhythm.//](stop:)]
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [ (live: 15s)[''Her:'' W-](stop:)
(live: 16s)[What?](stop:) ]
(live: 18s)[(transition:"fade")[//I place my eyes on hers; a soft, crooked smile forming in my lips.//](stop:)]
(live: 21s)[(transition:"fade")[''Me:'' L– Link. The– the guy– or– girl– you’ve been texting.](stop:)]
(live: 24s)[(transition:"fade")[//Her agitation grows into a certain anguish.//](stop:)]
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [ (live: 26s)[''Her:'' W–](stop:)
(live: 27s)[No– she’s–](stop:)
(live: 28s)[She’s just a friend.](stop:) ]
(live: 30s)[(transition:"fade")[//My face falls, as I realize that I have to tell her what I know.//](stop:)]
(live: 33s)[(transition:"fade")[''Me:'' A- a friend?](stop:)]
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [ (live: 35s)[''Her:'' Y-yeah. I met her at work.](stop:) ]
(live: 37s)[(transition:"fade")[''Me:'' Oh.](stop:)]
(live: 39s)[(transition:"fade")[//I’m not sure how to proceed.//](stop:)]
(live: 42s)[You text each other a lot.](stop:)
(live: 45s)[(transition:"fade")[//She softly frowns. She’s not angry, though– it’s the same expression she had when her mom told her she’d bought a ticket to come visit her to the city.//](stop:)]
(live: 50s)[//She’s defensive.//](stop:)
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [ (live: 52s)[(transition:"fade")[''Her:'' W–](stop:)]
(live: 53s)[Have you been through my phone?](stop:) ]
(live: 56s)[(transition:"fade")[//Well, no. But I did see some of their texts.//](stop:)]
(live: 59s)[(transition:"fade")[//I’m not sure what to tell her, though– she’s very fussy about her phone. She gave me her password only after we graduated high school.//](stop:)]
(text-colour:#a2243b)[ //(live: 61s)[(transition:"fade")[ [[Tell her the truth.]]
[[Lie to her.]] ](stop:)]// ](set: $her to $her + 1)
''Me:'' N– no. I haven’t.
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [ (live: 3s)[''Her:'' So how do you know who Ch– "Link" is?](stop:) ]
(live: 7s)[''Me:'' Well– I’ve seen her name on your lock screen a lot of times–](stop:)
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [ (live: 10s)[''Her:'' So?](stop:) ]
(live: 12s)[''Me:'' –and I was queuing up songs on your Spotify when we were driving around last week when I saw her texts pop up on your screen.](stop:)
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [(live: 15s)[(transition:"fade")[''Her:'' That’s impossible. You know I have my phone on Do Not Dis–](stop:) ] ]
(live: 17s)[''Me:'' Yeah. You’ve got notifications turned on for her.](stop:)
(live: 20s)[//Her eyes avoid mine, the tapping of her finger replaced by her bouncing leg.//](stop:)
(live: 23s)[Did– uh–](stop:)
(live: 25s)[Did you see her later that night?](stop:)
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [ (live: 27s)[''Her:'' What? N-no. What-](stop:)
(live: 28s)[(transition:"fade")[What did her texts say?](stop:)] ]
(live: 30s)[(transition:"fade")[//It’s weird. My heart feels heavy, yet it’s also fragile enough that I have to take a minute to answer her question to protect it from completely shattering.//](stop:)]
(live: 35s)[(transition:"fade")[''Me:'' Uh–](stop:)]
(live: 36s)[(transition:"fade")[//I feel a lump gather in my throat.//](stop:)]
(live: 38s)[If you’d like to–](stop:)
(live: 40s)[Watch //Your Name// once you dropped me off.](stop:)
(live: 44s)[And that you left your stack of cards (text-colour:#DA5870)[ [[at her place.]] ] ](stop:)(set: $her to $her - 1)
//I’m not sure how– if– this is going to come out right. But I’d rather spare the conversation about her having notifications turned on just for her and me reading them as they popped up.//
(live: 6s)[''Me:'' Uh– I just see you texting her a lot.](stop:)
(live: 9s)[(transition:"fade")[//Her face recoils in indignant confusion.//](stop:)]
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [ (live: 11s)[(transition:"fade")[''Her:'' What?](stop:)] ]
(live: 13s)[(transition:"fade")[''Me:'' I’ve just noticed that you’ve been on your phone more than you’ve– ever– been since we–](stop:)]
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [ (live: 17s)[''Her:'' Well, I have shit to take care of, don't you think?](stop:) ]
(live: 20s)[''Me: ''No, I know, but–](stop:)
(live: 21s)[(transition:"fade")[It’s always her. Your phone unlocks on your text conversation with her.](stop:)]
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [ (live: 23s)[''Her:'' Why are you looking at–](stop:) ]
(live: 25s)[''Me:'' I’m– not– looking at your phone. I’m sometimes just curious about who you answer so immediately every time you have a notification on your lock screen.](stop:)
(live: 30s)[(transition:"fade")[//There’s nothing to break the silence between us, or to lighten the gravity of her gaze. I can hear her breath coming out of her nose, staggered with heavy sighs.//](stop:)]
(live: 35s)[(transition:"fade")[//I take my eyes away from hers.//](stop:)]
(text-colour: #ECACB9 [ (live: 38s)[''Her:'' She’s a friend, okay?](stop:)
(live: 41s)[(transition:"fade")[No one you should care about.](stop:)] ]
(live: 45s)[(transition:"fade")[//There’s a certain rigidity in her tone that scrapes against my mind. Very few times has she been this… defensive.//](stop:)]
(live: 50s)[''Me:'' N– no– yeah–](stop:)
(live: 52s)[I– just–](stop:)
(live: 56s)[When did she](stop:)
(live: 59s)[become](stop:)
(live: 63s)[(transition:"fade")[me?](stop:)]
(live: 67s)[(transition:"fade")[//Her mouth gapes, her head slowly tilting right. She scratches her head, dismissively.//](stop:)]
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [ (live: 71s)[(transition:"fade")[''Her:'' What are you even–](stop:)] ]
(live: 72s)[''Me:'' The only person you ever text back immediately is me. Or your mom, when she won’t stop calling you.](stop:)
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [ (live: 75s)[''Her:'' That’s not–](stop:) ]
(live: 76s)[(transition:"fade")[''Me:'' And for the last 5 years, I’ve been the only person whose texts (text-colour:#DA5870)[ [[pop up on your screen.|telling her]] ] ](stop:)]//She lightly shakes her head.//
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [ (live: 3s)[''Her:'' Well– yeah. I’d told her I wanted her to–](stop:) ]
(live: 6s)[(transition:"fade")[//She stops mid-sentence, and her eyes widen.//](stop:)]
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [ (live: 9s)[(transition:"fade")[–to watch the movie with me.](stop:)] ]
(live: 12s)[(transition:"fade")[//Now it’s me that can’t look at her.//](stop:)]
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [ (live: 15s)[B-but– like–](stop:)
(live: 16s)[Heh– I know that–](stop:) ]
(live: 17s)[(transition:"fade")[//That’s our movie.//](stop:)]
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [ (live: 17s)[That’s our movie,](stop:)
(live: 19s)[But like–](stop:)
(live: 20s)[She’d never watched it, and she–](stop:)
(live: 22s)[Loves anime movies and– and I–](stop:)
(live: 24s)[And yeah, I’ve been at her place a couple of times–](stop:) ]
(live: 27s)[(transition:"fade")[//Her stance relaxes, and her gaze gains a gravity reminiscent of…//](stop:)]
(live: 30s)[(transition:"fade")[//Our last fight.//](stop:)]
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [ (live: 32s)[(transition:"fade")[But nothing has happened.](stop:)] ]
(live: 36s)[(transition:"fade")[//My gaze becomes heavy, too. I can feel my eyes challenging her nascent glare as I slowly lift my head up and place the damp palms of my hands on the table.//](stop:)]
(live: 43s)[(transition:"fade")[''Me:'' N– no– yeah–](stop:)]
(live: 45s)[I– just–](stop:)
(live: 47s)[When did she](stop:)
(live: 49s)[become](stop:)
(live: 53s)[(transition:"fade")[me?](stop:)]
(live: 57s)[(transition:"fade")[//Her mouth gapes, her head slowly tilting right. She scratches her head, dismissively.//](stop:)]
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [ (live: 61s)[''Her:'' What are you even–](stop:) ]
(live: 62s)[(transition:"fade")[''Me:'' For the last 5 years, I’ve been the only person whose texts pop up on your screen.](stop:)]
(live: 67s)[(transition:"fade")[The only card game you know how to play is Kiss and Tell–](stop:)]
(live: 70s)[the game that we made up.](stop:)
(live: 72s)[(transition:"fade")[When I first watched //Your Name// with you, you told me that the only reason you liked the movie is because Taki reminded you of me.](stop:)]
(live: 78s)[(transition:"fade")[And your name is still Mitsuha (text-colour:#DA5870)[ [[on my phone.|telling her]] ] ](stop:)]''the end.''
(live: 2s) [(transition: "fade") [ (text-colour:#DA5870)[ [ [[...unless you don't want it to be.]] ] ](stop:)] ]start over?
(set: $over to 1)
(text-colour:#a2243b) [ [[Yes.|beginning]]
[[No.]] ]thanks for playing :)//She turns her gaze to my hands, which fingerprints are tightly against the wood of the table. I can feel the despondency of her eyes, slowly blinking as she nibbles on the inside of her cheeks. She shifts her weight and she crosses her legs, the same position she adopts when she rests her right calf on the seat under her left leg.//
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [ (live: 9s)[(transition:"fade")[''Her:'' She’s just a friend.](stop:)]
(live: 12s)[(transition:"fade")[Her name’s not Link. She saw my Zelda tattoo on my wrist when I was taking her order at the shop, and when I asked for her name, she said “Link”.](stop:)]
(live: 18s)[(transition:"fade")[While I was preparing her latte, she stood over the counter and tried to talk about the games with me. And I told her that I didn’t actually know that much about them. That the tattoo was for my grandfather. But she still insisted on making small talk.](stop:)]
(live: 27s)[(transition:"fade")[And she came by every day at 4:30. She liked the music that I was playing at the café and gave me her number so I could send the playlist to her.](stop:)] ]
(live: 32s)[(transition:"fade")[//She’s leaning over the table, hands clasped together. She can't decide whether her tone is monotone or wistful.//](stop:)]
(live: 36s)[(transition:"fade")[//My sight stays plastered onto my hands, frozen out of doubt, anger, and much in between.//](stop:)]
(live: 39s)[(transition:"fade")[//I slowly blink my eyes before putting forth the question lingering in the back of my mind since last week.//](stop:)]
(live: 43s)[''Me:'' How long?](stop:)
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [ (live: 46s)[(transition:"fade")[''Her:'' ...How long?](stop:)] ]
(live: 49s)[''Me:'' How long have you been…](stop:)
(live: 52s)[(transition:"fade")[ (text-colour:#DA5870)[ [[How long ago was this?]] ] ](stop:)]//She takes a moment.//
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [ (live: 3s)[(transition:"fade")[''Her:'' A week after we broke up.](stop:)] ]
(live: 7s)[(transition:"fade")[//I shift my gaze forward to her hands, slowly making my way to her face.//](stop:)]
(live: 10s)[(transition:"fade")[//Our eyes once again sit on each other’s, an indescribable electricity flowing through the shared path of our sights. I feel my eyebrows involuntarily fidgeting from a very soft frown to a light raise.//](stop:)]
(live: 17s)[(transition:"fade")[//I still have one more question to ask her.//](stop:)]
(live: 20s)[(transition:"fade")[//But I can’t look her in the eye when I do.//](stop:)]
(live: 23s)[(transition:"fade")[//I //need// to know–//](stop:)]
(live: 26s)[//but I don’t want to.//](stop:)
(live: 29s)[(transition:"fade")[//My face turns to my left, the twinkling lights of the city’s buildings merging with each other as tears infect my eyes. I blink to let them go– and without taking my eyes away from the skyline, my voice softly utters the one question threatening to crush the bubble we had slowly been rebuilding together.//](stop:)]
(live: 39s)[(transition:"fade")[''Me:'' Do you…](stop:)]
(live: 44s)[(transition:"fade")[ (text-colour:#DA5870)[ [[have feelings for her?]] ] ](stop:)]//I can’t see her face, but I hear her hands rising from the table to her face. Her breath stays the same– the same heavy, sorrowful sighs escaping her mouth every time she exhales.//
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [(live: 7s)[(transition:"fade")[''Her:''...](stop:)]
(live: 10s)[I–](stop:)
(live: 13s)[(transition:"fade")[…](stop:)]
(live: 16s)[I don’t–](stop:)
(live: 19s)[No.](stop:)
(live: 21s)[(transition:"fade")[I don’t know.](stop:)] ]
(live: 24s)[(transition:"fade")[//I turn my face back to hers. She’s staring directly at my eyes– an insecure earnestness permeating her gaze.//](stop:)]
(live: 29s)[(transition:"fade")[//No.//](stop:)]
(live: 31s)[//She doesn’t know.//](stop:)
(live: 33s)[//Which–//](stop:)
(live: 35s)[(transition:"fade")[//is somehow more heart-breaking than knowing that she did.//](stop:)]
(live: 38s)[(transition:"fade")[//Silence interrupts the exchange for the longest time yet. Our fidgeting bodies shifting, combative gazes directing our attention to every single speck of dust floating around the room.//](stop:)]
(live: 45s)[(transition:"fade")[//I wasn’t sure we’d get here.//](stop:)]
(live: 48s)[(transition:"fade")[//And now that we are, I don’t know what to say.//](stop:)]
(text-colour:#a2243b) [ (live: 50s)[(transition:"fade")[//[[Confront her.]]
[[Be understanding.]]// ](stop:)] ](set: $her to $her - 2)
(set: $fight to 1)
''Me:'' You //don’t// know?
(live: 3s)[(transition:"fade")[//My voice comes off as irritated, without wanting it to.//](stop:)]
(live: 7s)[//I…//](stop:)
(live: 9s)[(transition:"fade")[//I need an answer.//](stop:)]
(live: 11s)[(transition:"fade")[''Me:'' What do you mean you //don’t// know?](stop:)]
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [ (live: 14s)[''Her:'' I don’t.](stop:) ]
(live: 16s)[(transition:"fade")[//My breaths become denser. I catch myself gritting my teeth.//](stop:)]
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [ (live: 19s)[(transition:"fade")[''Her:''...](stop:)]
(live: 23s)[(transition:"fade")[What does it matter?](stop:)] ]
(live: 25s)[(transition:"fade")[//My eyes widen, and I scrunch my eyebrows closer to each other in incredulity.//](stop:)]
(live: 28s)[''Me:'' W–](stop:)
(live: 29s)[What?](stop:)
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [ (live: 31s)[(transition:"fade")[''Her:'' What does it matter?](stop:)] ]
(live: 33s)[(transition:"fade")[//What?//](stop:)]
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [ (live: 35s)[If I have feelings for her.](stop:)
(live: 37s)[Or if I //did// cheat.](stop:) ]
(live: 40s)[(transition:"fade")[//My mind is completely blank. Is she really–//](stop:)]
(live: 42s)[//Oh.//](stop:)
(live: 43.5s)[//Shit.//](stop:)
(live: 45s)[//I see where this is going.//](stop:)
(live: 49s)[(text-colour: #ECACB9) [ (transition:"fade")[...You cheated on me first, (text-colour:#DA5870)[ [[didn’t you?]] ](stop:)] ] ](set: $her to $her + 1)
(if: $fight is 1) [//I look up to her, and swallow heavily. I let a couple more heavy sighs make their way out of my body before I let myself say anything to her.//
(live: 5s)[(transition:"fade")[//She won’t look at me, a lone tear splashing onto the table. And I know that in that tear is every single emotion– sorrow, frustration, regret, dread, tiredness. It’s always that single tear that culminates her emotional rampage.//](stop:)]
(live: 12s)[(transition:"fade")[//I take a deep breath.//](stop:)]
(live: 15s)[(transition:"fade")[''Me:'' Okay. That’s okay.](stop:)]
(live: 18s)[(transition:"fade")[//Her half-closed eyes meet mine, and her expression relaxes.//](stop:)]
(live: 20s)[(transition:"fade")[//I roll my lower lip inward with my upper teeth, preparing to receive, perhaps, the most important answer I’ve been looking for.//](stop:)]
(live: 25s)[(transition:"fade")[W–](stop:)]
(live: 26s)[Why–](stop:)
(live: 27s)[Uh–](stop:)
(live: 29s)[(transition:"fade")[//I take a moment to just look at her, and communicate the qualms swirling around my mind through my gaze.//](stop:)]
(live: 33s)[(transition:"fade")[Why did you take me back, then?](stop:)]
(live: 36s)[(transition:"fade")[//A light, long sigh flows out her half-open mouth. She looks up, and when her gaze comes back to mine, the shimmer of her eyes invokes tears of my own.//](stop:)]
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [ (live: 42s)[(transition:"fade")[''Her:'' Because I love you.](stop:)] ]
(live: 45s)[(transition:"fade")[//The first tear traces the stream the rest would follow down her face.//](stop:)]
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [(live: 48s)[(transition:"fade")[And I wanted to–](stop:)]
(live: 50s)[I believed that–](stop:)
(live: 52s)[(transition:"fade")[That our love was stronger than what you had made it out to be.](stop:)]
(live: 60s)[(transition:"fade")[But I also needed time.](stop:)]
(live: 63s)[(transition:"fade")[Time //she// gave me.](stop:)]
(live: 66s)[(transition:"fade")[Time to heal.](stop:)] ]
(live: 69s)[(transition:"fade")[//My jaw trembles as my eyes cascade with tears, splashing the dark oak of the table with tiny, glistening spots.//](stop:)]
(live: 73s)[//I get it.//](stop:)
(live: 75s)[//I get it...//](stop:)
(live: 79s)[//But–//](stop:)
(live: 80s)[(transition:"fade")[''Me:'' You–](stop:)]
(live: 81s)[Uh…](stop:)
(live: 83s)[(transition:"fade")[//I think about whether to say it or not.//](stop:)]
(live: 86s)[//Yeah.//](stop:)
(live: 91s)[(transition:"fade")[You should’ve told me.](stop:)]
(live: 94s)[(transition:"fade")[//She bows her head down as she blinks slowly. I can no longer hear her heavy breathing– just silence around us.//](stop:)]
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [ (live: 100s)[(transition:"fade")[''Her:'' I know.](stop:)]
(if: $easier is 1) [(text-colour: #ECACB9) [(live: 103s)[I thought it’d be easier, too.](stop:)
(live: 106s)[(transition:"fade")[Learning to forgive you.](stop:)]
(live: 109s)[(transition:"fade")[If you even meant that.](stop:)] ]
[(text-colour:#a2243b) [ (live: 111s)[(transition:"fade")[ [["I did."|It still is my fault.]]
[["I only said that because I didn’t want to hurt you."|I'm done.]] ](stop:)] ] ] ]
(if: $easier is 0) [(live: 103s)[(transition:"fade")[//Her words bounce off the walls, echoing through to my mind.// ](stop:)]
(live: 105s)[(transition:"fade")[//I find myself, once again, at a loss for words.//](stop:)]
(live: 107s)[(text-colour:#a2243b) [ [(transition:"fade")[ // [[It still is my fault.]]
[[I'm done.]] //](stop:)] ] ] ] ] ]
(if: $fight is 0) [''Me:'' Okay. That’s okay.
(live: 3s)[(transition:"fade")[//Her eyes leave her hands and she blinks into mine. She looks at me with expectant nervousness.//](stop:)]
(live: 7s)[(transition:"fade")[//I roll my lower lip inward with my upper teeth, preparing to receive, perhaps, the most important answer I’ve been looking for.//](stop:)]
(live: 13s)[(transition:"fade")[W–](stop:)]
(live: 14s)[Why–](stop:)
(live: 15s)[Uh–](stop:)
(live: 17s)[(transition:"fade")[//I take a moment to just look at her, and communicate the qualms swirling around my mind through my gaze.//](stop:)]
(live: 22s)[(transition:"fade")[Why did you take me back, then?](stop:)]
(live: 25s)[(transition:"fade")[//A light, long sigh flows out her half-open mouth. She looks up, and when her gaze comes back to mine, the shimmer of her eyes invokes tears of my own.//](stop:)]
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [ (live: 32s)[(transition:"fade")[''Her:'' Because I love you.](stop:)] ]
(live: 35s)[(transition:"fade")[//The first tear traces the stream the rest would follow down her face.//](stop:)]
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [ (live: 38s)[(transition:"fade")[And I wanted to–](stop:)]
(live: 40s)[I believed that–](stop:)
(live: 42s)[(transition:"fade")[That our love is– was– stronger than what you had made it out to be.](stop:)]
(live: 50s)[(transition:"fade")[But I also needed time.](stop:)]
(live: 53s)[(transition:"fade")[Time //she// gave me.](stop:)]
(live: 56s)[(transition:"fade")[Time to heal.](stop:)] ]
(live: 59s)[(transition:"fade")[//My jaw trembles as my eyes cascade with tears, splashing the dark oak of the table with tiny, glistening spots.//](stop:)]
(live: 63s)[//I get it.//](stop:)
(live: 65s)[//I get it...//](stop:)
(live: 69s)[//But–//](stop:)
(live: 70s)[(transition:"fade")[''Me:'' You–](stop:)]
(live: 71s)[Uh…](stop:)
(live: 73s)[(transition:"fade")[//I think about whether to say it or not.//](stop:)]
(live: 76s)[//Yeah.//](stop:)
(live: 81s)[(transition:"fade")[You should’ve told me.](stop:)]
(live: 84s)[(transition:"fade")[//She bows her head down as she blinks slowly. I can no longer hear her heavy breathing– just silence around us.//](stop:)]
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [ (live: 90s)[(transition:"fade")[''Her:'' I know.](stop:) ] ]
(if: $easier is 1) [(text-colour: #ECACB9) [(live: 93s)[I thought it’d be easier, too.](stop:)
(live: 96s)[(transition:"fade")[Learning to forgive you.](stop:)]
(live: 99s)[(transition:"fade")[If you even meant that.](stop:)] ]
[(text-colour:#a2243b) [ (live: 101s)[(transition:"fade")[ [["I did."|It still is my fault.]]
[["I only said that because I didn’t want to hurt you."|I'm done.]] ](stop:)] ] ] ]
(if: $easier is 0) [(live: 93s)[(transition:"fade")[//Her words bounce off the walls, echoing through to my mind.// ](stop:)]
(live: 95s)[(transition:"fade")[//I find myself, once again, at a loss for words.//](stop:)]
(text-colour:#a2243b) [ (live: 97s)[(transition:"fade")[ // [[It still is my fault.]]
[[I'm done.]] //](stop:)] ] ] ]//The air around us penetrates my skin, small daggers slowly making their way into my pores.//
(live: 3s)[(transition:"fade")[//My face lets go, revealing an expression of mild shock and affliction.//](stop:)]
(live: 6s)[//So–//](stop:)
(live: 7s)[''Me:'' So you did cheat on–](stop:)
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [ (live: 9s)[''Her:'' No! I didn’t!](stop:)
(live: 11s)[She’s my friend.](stop:)
(live: 14s)[I needed someone, okay? I didn’t have anyone. You were the only friend I had left. And you fucked that up. I needed //someone.//](stop:)
(live: 20s)[So //sorry//, for not wallowing in my loneliness because you were gone. //Sorry// for trying to move on. //Sorry// for finding someone to help me cope. To bring the sort of joy that //you// hadn’t been able to give me.](stop:) ]
(live: 28s)[''Me:'' Oh, me? //You’re// the one who left! //You’re// the one to–](stop:)
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [ (live: 31s)[''Her:'' Fuck! It just always comes back to the same topic, doesn’t it?](stop:) ]
(live: 34s)[(transition:"fade")[//She slams her hands against the table and gets up, walking towards the head of the table and leaning against it.//](stop:)]
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [ (live: 40s)[It’s not my fault that you didn’t know how to deal with my success.](stop:) ]
(live: 43s)[(transition:"fade")[//The coldness of her comment chills down the anger simmering in my clenched fists. My hand shakily opens up, and I take a deep breath.//](stop:)]
(live: 45s)[''Me:'' //Success? Success?!// You call working 60 hours a week in a run-down theatre with some B-list director //success?//](stop:)
(live: 49s)[(transition:"fade")[//Her face unravels in wounded shock.//](stop:)]
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [ (live: 52s)[''Her:'' FUCK. YOU!](stop:)
(live: 54s)[FUCK YOU.](stop:)
(live: 56s)[I’m //SORRY// that you can’t handle the idea of me existing without you.](stop:)
(live: 59s)[I’m //SORRY// that my dreams are not as cookie-cutter perfect as your motherfucking boring 9-to-5 job. I am //SO SORRY.//](stop:)
(live: 64s)[I’m //SORRY// that you couldn’t handle the weight of a career //YOU //spent //SO MUCH TIME// telling me to chase after.](stop:)
(live: 69s)[I’m //SORRY// that supporting me had //such a heavy toll// on you](stop:)
(live: 73s)[after I spent so much time settling to support //YOU//. And what //YOU //wanted. And the life //YOU// wanted for us.](stop:)
(live: 79s)[And I’d say I’m sorry that you slept with the first slut that showed the tiniest ounce of interest in you.](stop:)
(live: 83s)[But that’s not my fault, (text-colour:#DA5870)[ [[is it?]] ] ](stop:)]//I slam my hand against the table as I stand up, the chair I was sitting on kicking back. Its loud thump against the ground makes her flinch, but my attention is dead-set on her clenched jaw.//
(live: 9s)[''Me:'' At least //I// didn’t have feelings for her.](stop:)
(live: 12s)[(transition:"fade")[//She starts slowly clapping, a sardonic expression permeating her face. She makes her way back across from me at the table.//](stop:)]
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [ (live: 17s)[''Her:'' Huh!](stop:)
(live: 19s)[Look at us, then–](stop:)
(live: 21s)[here //I// am– talking with a girl I have feelings for](stop:)
(live: 24s)[and I still haven’t cheated.](stop:)
(live: 27s)[Because I–](stop:)
(live: 28s)[Because I //still//](stop:)
(live: 30s)[love you](stop:)
(live: 32s)[(transition:"fade")[so much.](stop:)]
(live: 35s)[And //you// go ahead](stop:)
(live: 37s)[and sabotage the last 5 years of our lives](stop:)
(live: 40s)[to roll around with a girl you didn’t even have feelings for?](stop:)
(live: 43s)[Is that supposed to make me feel better?](stop:)
(live: 46s)[Why](stop:)
(live: 47s)[does it suddenly matter](stop:)
(live: 49s)[what I feel](stop:)
(live: 51s)[if you didn't care how I would feel](stop:)
(live: 53s)[when you decided to throw our life away just because I "couldn't spare half a day for you"?](stop:) ]
(live: 56s)[(transition:"fade")[//Words escape her mouth with a disquieting calmness.//](stop:)]
(live: 59s)[(transition:"fade")[//Her gaze is fixed on the top of my head.//](stop:)]
(live: 62s)[(transition:"fade")[//I face down to the table, trying to think about how I want this to end.//](stop:)]
(text-colour:#a2243b) [ (live: 64s)[(transition:"fade")[ [["You’re right. It’s my fault."|It still is my fault.]]
[["Then why did you get back together with me?"|Be understanding.]] ](stop:)] ](set: $her to $her + 1)
(if: $easier is 1) [''Me:'' I did.
(live: 2s)[//I did.//](stop:)
(live: 5s)[(transition:"fade")[//I take a minute to think.//](stop:)]
(live: 8s)[(transition:"fade")[//The thing is– even if I can forgive her//](stop:)]
(live: 12s)[//I still don’t think I can forgive myself.//](stop:)
(live: 15s)[(transition:"fade")[''Me:'' You’re right.](stop:)]
(live: 18s)[(transition:"fade")[But you’ve forgiven me enough.](stop:)]
(live: 21s)[(transition:"fade")[//I take a deep breath.//](stop:)]
(live: 24s)[(transition:"fade")[And I don’t think I can carry that guilt around with me.](stop:)]
(live: 28s)[I thought I could.](stop:)
(live: 32s)[For you.](stop:)
(live: 36s)[Because I love you and I missed you and I fucked up and I thought that being with you again would ease the pain of knowing you’re walking on this Earth not by my side](stop:)
(live: 43s)[because of me](stop:)
(live: 46s)[because I pushed you away](stop:)
(live: 53s)[(transition:"fade")[but it’s just worse.](stop:)]
(live: 57s)[And I guess I hurt you more by asking to take me back](stop:)
(live: 61s)[(transition:"fade")[when (text-colour:#DA5870)[ [[you shouldn’t have.]] ]](stop:) ] ]
(if: $easier is 0) [//I take a minute to think.//
(live: 3s)[(transition:"fade")[//The thing is– even if I can forgive her//](stop:)]
(live: 7s)[//I still don’t think I can forgive myself.//](stop:)
(live: 11s)[(transition:"fade")[''Me:'' You’re right.](stop:)]
(live: 15s)[(transition:"fade")[But you’ve forgiven me enough.](stop:)]
(live: 18s)[(transition:"fade")[//I take a deep breath.//](stop:)]
(live: 21s)[(transition:"fade")[And I don’t think I can carry that guilt around with me.](stop:)]
(live: 24s)[I thought I could.](stop:)
(live: 27s)[For you.](stop:)
(live: 30s)[Because I love you and I missed you and I fucked up and I thought that being with you again would ease the pain of knowing you’re walking on this Earth not by my side](stop:)
(live: 37s)[because of me](stop:)
(live: 40s)[because I pushed you away](stop:)
(live: 44s)[(transition:"fade")[but it’s just worse.](stop:)]
(live: 47s)[And I guess I hurt you more by asking to take me back](stop:)
(live: 51s)[(transition:"fade")[when (text-colour:#DA5870)[ [[you shouldn’t have.]] ] ]](stop:) ](set: $her to $her - 1)
(if: $trust is 1) [''Me:'' Guess I wasn’t wrong in not trusting you, then.
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [ (live: 3s)[(transition:"fade")[''Her:'' What?](stop:)] ]
(live: 6s)[''Me:'' That you’d forgiven me.](stop:)
(live: 9s)[(transition:"fade")[//She takes her eyes away from me, looking down at the table. She’s slightly irritated, her breaths steady– slow, but heavy.//](stop:)]
(live: 14s)[(transition:"fade")[//I turn my face to my left, staring into the world outside ours, dejectedly accepting that it was my new reality. I feel tension in my jaw– I’m calm, but I’m letting a certain bitterness take over me.//](stop:)]
(live: 22s)[''Me:'' You should’ve told me.](stop:)
(live: 26s)[Just–](stop:)
(live: 28s)[(transition:"fade")[Why did you let me trust you when you promised that we could start over?](stop:)]
(live: 32s)[(transition:"fade")[//My voice cracks, heat and anguish swelling my throat.//](stop:)]
(live: 35s)[(transition:"fade")[//I’m still looking into the city. She stays silent for a moment.//](stop:)]
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [ (live: 38s)[(transition:"fade")[''Her:'' I’m sorry.](stop:)] ]
(live: 42s)[''Me:'' Yeah.](stop:)
(live: 46s)[Me too.](stop:)
(live: 49s)[(transition:"fade")[//I delicately push my chair back, and rise above the table.//](stop:)]
//(if: $her is < 2) [(live: 53s)[(transition:"fade")[I silently make my way through the apartment towards the door, my chest weighing my head down, sights set onto the last steps I’ll take on the light-amber lacquered wood of our (text-colour:#DA5870)[ [[apartment.|Close the door.]] ] ](stop:)] ]
(if: $her is 2 or > 2) [(live: 53s)[(transition:"fade")[I silently make my way through the apartment towards the door, my chest weighing my head down, sights set onto the last steps I’ll take on the light-amber lacquered wood of our apartment. ](stop:)]
(live: 61s)[(transition:"fade")[Once I step on the hallway, there’s one last impulse that stands between the door and the lock. ](stop:)]
(text-colour:#a2243b) [ (live: 64s)[(transition:"fade")[ [[Look back at her, one last time.]]
[[Close the door.]] ] ](stop:)] ] //]
(if: $trust is 0) [//I turn my face to my left, staring into the world outside ours, dejectedly accepting that it was my new reality. I feel tension in my jaw– I’m calm, but I’m letting a certain bitterness take over me.//
(live: 8s)[''Me:'' You should’ve told me.](stop:)
(live: 12s)[Just–](stop:)
(live: 16s)[(transition:"fade")[Why did you let me trust you when you promised that we could start over?](stop:)]
(live: 20s)[(transition:"fade")[//My voice cracks, heat and anguish swelling my throat.//](stop:)]
(live: 23s)[(transition:"fade")[//I’m still looking into the city. She stays silent for a moment.//](stop:)]
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [ (live: 26s)[(transition:"fade")[''Her:'' I’m sorry.](stop:)] ]
(live: 30s)[''Me:'' Yeah.](stop:)
(live: 34s)[Me too.](stop:)
(live: 37s)[(transition:"fade")[//I delicately push my chair back, and rise above the table.//](stop:)]
//(if: $her is < 2) [(live: 42s)[(transition:"fade")[I silently make my way through the apartment towards the door, my chest weighing my head down, sights set onto the last steps I’ll take on the light-amber lacquered wood of our (text-colour:#DA5870)[ [[apartment.|Close the door.]] ] ](stop:)] ]
(if: $her is 2 or > 2) [(live: 42s)[(transition:"fade")[I silently make my way through the apartment towards the door, my chest weighing my head down, sights set onto the last steps I’ll take on the light-amber lacquered wood of our apartment. ](stop:)]
(live: 50s)[(transition:"fade")[Once I step on the hallway, there’s one last impulse that stands between the door and the lock. ](stop:)]
(text-colour:#a2243b) [ (live: 53s)[(transition:"fade")[ [[Look back at her, one last time.]]
[[Close the door.]] ] ](stop:)] //](set: $her to 0) (set: $promise to 0) (set: $easier to 0) (set: $fight to 0) (set: $trust to 0)
(if: $over is 0) [(text-colour: #ECACB9) [''Her:'' ...
(live: 2s) [(transition:"fade")[...](stop:)]
(live: 4s) [(transition:"fade")[......](stop:)]
(live: 6s) [(transition:"fade")[...So what are you saying?](stop:)]]
(live: 8s)[(transition:"fade")[''Me:'' I’m saying that I don’t know if this is still the– the best thing for us.](stop:)]
(live: 11s)[(transition:"fade")[//Her eyebrows come closer together as her eyes widen. She looks at me for a few seconds – I think she’s both trying to process what I just told her, and trying to think about what to say.//](stop:)]
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [(live: 16s)[(transition:"fade")[''Her:'' I–](stop:)]
(live: 18s)[Where is this coming from?](stop:)]
(live: 20s)[(transition:"fade")[//I feel my heart becoming heavier with each thump. You practiced this.//](stop:)]
(live: 21s)[(transition:"fade")[//Okay.//](stop:)]
(live: 23s)[(transition:"fade")[''Me:'' N-nowhere. In particular.](stop:)]
(live: 25s)[(transition:"fade")[//I stutter. Her mouth’s ajar, in an even more aggressive bewilderment.//](stop:)]
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [(live: 28s)[''Her:'' What– the– are you serious? Or– is this one of your pranks?](stop:)]
(live: 30s)[(transition:"fade")[//I wish.//](stop:)]
(live: 31.5s)[(transition:"fade")[''Me:'' No. No. It’s not. I’m serious.](stop:)]
(live: 33s)[(transition:"fade")[//I keep my face as straight as I can, and my voice as neutral as the lump in my throat allows it to.//](stop:)]
(live: 37s)[(transition:"fade")[//She struggles to find something to break the silence. She interrupts herself a couple of times, taking back whatever syllable she was about to utter.//](stop:)]
(live: 42s)[(transition:"fade")[//I guess I’m up.//](stop:)]
(live: 44s)[(transition:"fade")[//(text-colour:#a2243b)[ [[Stick to what I practiced.]]
[[Fuck it. I’m just going to say it.|Fuck it.]]] //](stop:)] ]
(if: $over is 1) [(text-colour: #ECACB9) [''Her:'' ...
...
......
...So what are you saying?]
''Me:'' I’m saying that I don’t know if this is still the– the best thing for us.
//Her eyebrows come closer together as her eyes widen. She looks at me for a few seconds – I think she’s both trying to process what I just told her, and trying to think about what to say.//
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [''Her:'' I–
Where is this coming from?]
//I feel my heart becoming heavier with each thump. You practiced this.
Okay.//
''Me:'' N-nowhere. In particular.
//I stutter. Her mouth’s ajar, in an even more aggressive bewilderment.//
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [''Her:'' What– the– are you serious? Or– is this one of your pranks?]
//I wish.//
''Me:'' No. No. It’s not. I’m serious.
//I keep my face as straight as I can, and my voice as neutral as the lump in my throat allows it to.//
//She struggles to find something to break the silence. She interrupts herself a couple of times, taking back whatever syllable she was about to utter.//
//I guess I’m up.//
//(text-colour:#a2243b)[ [[Stick to what I practiced.]]
[[Fuck it. I’m just going to say it.|Fuck it.]]] // ]
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [''Her:''...]
(live: 2s)[(transition:"fade")[...](stop:)]
(live: 5s)[It is.](stop:)
(live: 7s)[(transition:"fade")[//I feel my stomach tying a tight knot into itself, awaiting for words to start pouring out of her mouth long enough until she loses her filter and lets all her resentments and grievances go.//](stop:)]
(live: 17s)[(transition:"fade")[//But she just lets her words sit there, poisoning the air around us.// ](stop:)]
(live: 20s)[(transition:"fade")[//Her jaw trembles, her right trembling as she hovers it above the table. Her left hand is wiping her eyes, and it stays there for a bit. I can feel her right leg rapidly bouncing.//](stop:)]
(live: 25s)[(transition:"fade")[//I’m not doing much better. I’m past the point of damming my tears, but my gaze is still set on the city horizon to avoid an even more aggressive outpouring.//](stop:)]
(live: 33s)[(transition:"fade")[//We let our tears and soft sobs speak for us during what feels like forever. Eventually, she slumps her back against the chair, her eyelashes glistening around her glowing red eyes.//](stop:)]
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [ (live: 40s)[(transition:"fade")[''Her:'' So that’s it, then?](stop:)] ]
(live: 43s)[(transition:"fade")[//I feel my chest pressing against my back, my breathing becoming harder and shallower. I take a minute to gather the courage to look at her, and deliver the last blow.//](stop:)]
(text-colour:#a2243b) [ (live: 45s)[(transition:"fade")[//[[Yes.]]
[[Wait.]]// ](stop:)] ]//Her words pierce through my heart like a thousand tiny needles, penetrating every single crack and threatening to destroy it.//
//(live: 5s)[(transition:"fade")[Through my mind flows every touch, sound, image, and smell from the last 5 years that have gathered in the back of my mind, bursting through all at once.](stop:)]
(live: 10s)[(transition:"fade")[And it all culminates in this room, in which lives the essence of me, her, and us.](stop:)]
(live: 14s)[My sweaty hands melting together with the lacquered wood](stop:)
(live: 17s)[Her sorrowful sighs](stop:)
(live: 20s)[A crack growing through the off-white wall behind her](stop:)
(live: 23s)[And her faint perfume lingering off of her sweatshirt.](stop:)
(live: 30s)[(transition:"fade")[I can’t take my eyes off of hers.](stop:)]
(live: 33s)[Never has it been this hard to read through her.](stop:)
(live: 36s)[What she’s thinking– and what she wants me to say.](stop:)
(live: 39s)[And as messy as hers– my mind churns with doubt and fear, unable to trace the link in between thoughts, scenarios, and choices; with all the things that led to this moment, and the ever-lingering question of if, in what seems to be our final hour,](stop:)
(live: 46s)[she will finally tell me the truth.](stop:)
(live: 49s)[And if she hasn’t](stop:)
(live: 51s)[Should she be the one to decide if this](stop:)
(live: 53s)[(transition:"fade")[ is it?](stop:)]
(text-colour:#a2243b) [ (live: 55s)[(transition:"fade")[ [[Leave.]]
[[Tell her that you know.|Fuck it.]] ](stop:)] ]////I don’t–//
(live: 2s)[//I don’t want to say it.//](stop:)
(live: 4s)[//I //won’t// say it.//](stop:)
(live: 6s)[(transition:"fade")[//I delicately push my chair back, and rise above the table. I let one last tear roll down my cheek before I turn my body to the door.//](stop:)]
(live: 10s)[//But I can’t–//](stop:)
(live: 10.5s)[(transition:"fade")[''Me:'' I’m so sorry. ](stop:)]
(live: 13s)[(transition:"fade")[For everything.](stop:)]
(live: 15s)[(transition:"fade")[//I’m unable to invoke any emotions, words leaving my mouth like a flow-less river.//](stop:)]
(if: $her is < 2) [(live: 18s)[(transition:"fade")[//I stand still for a moment, unsure of whether I’m clinging to the idea of our present proximity before I have to let it go for the last time,//](stop:)]
(live: 22s)[(transition:"fade")[//or frozen in the expectation that she won’t let me walk out that door.//](stop:)]
(live: 26s)[//But there’s miles of tear-splattered wood in between us.//](stop:)
(live: 29s)[//And my exit goes uninterrupted.//](stop:)
(live: 33s)[(transition:"fade")[//Once I step on the hallway, there’s one last impulse that stands between the door and the lock.//](stop:)]
(text-colour:#a2243b) [ (live: 35s)[(transition:"fade")[//[[Look back at her, one last time.]]
[[Close the door.]]// ](stop:)] ] ]
(if: $her is 2 or > 2) [(live: 18s)[(transition:"fade")[//I stand still for a moment, unsure of whether I’m clinging to the idea of our present proximity before I have to let it go for the last time,//](stop:)]
(live: 22s)[(transition:"fade")[//or frozen in expectation that she won’t let me walk out that door.//](stop:)]
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [ (live: 25s)[''Her:'' No.](stop:)
(live: 27s)[You’re not doing this.](stop:)
(live: 29s)[You’re //not// walking out on us.](stop:)
(live: 31s)[I won’t let you.](stop:) ]
(live: 33s)[(transition:"fade")[//I slowly turn my head towards hers, as I feel a current of fear and unease flowing through my chest and settling in my stomach.//](stop:)]
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [ (live: 37s)[How is it fair that you get to walk out when I didn’t?](stop:) ]
(live: 40s)[(transition:"fade")[//My heart picks up its rhythm.//](stop:)]
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [ (live: 42s)[No. You stay and we talk and we work things out](stop:)
(live: 45s)[because we wouldn’t be in here if you had let me walk out that door first.](stop:) ]
(live: 47s)[//I can’t–//](stop:)
(live: 48s)[//She’s right, but–//](stop:)
(live: 59s)[//It’s different.//](stop:)
(live: 62s)[(transition:"fade")[//Is it?//](stop:)]
(text-colour:#a2243b) [ (live: 64s)[(transition:"fade")[//[[Leave.]]
[[Tell her the whole truth.|Fuck it.]]// ](stop:)] ] ]//I turn my body back onto the apartment, my eyes looking to meet hers. As soon as she senses my gaze upon her, she lifts her head from her hands on the table towards the door.//
//(live: 6s)[(transition:"fade")[I feel my breathing become slower and steadier, my face letting go of every muscle. Her face also describes a levity that feels foreign to it.](stop:)]
(live: 11s)[(transition:"fade")[And every word, every touch, every heartbeat, every breath, every second left unsaid lingers into what feels like the shortest forever,](stop:)]
(live: 16s)[(transition:"fade")[before I slowly](stop:)]
(live: 18s)[reluctantly](stop:)
(live: 20s)[materialize the barrier between us](stop:)
(live: 23s)[and finally](stop:)
(live: 27s)[(transition:"fade")[(text-colour:#DA5870)[ [[close the door.->end]] ] ](stop:)] ////I take a second before reaching out for the cold, steel knob and pull it towards me.//
//(live: 3s)[(transition:"fade")[The snap of the door as it clicks into place with the lock thunders down the hallway, piercing through my eardrums, into my brain, into my heart.](stop:)]
(live: 8s)[(transition:"fade")[And in materializing the barrier between us](stop:)]
(live: 10s)[(transition:"fade")[I trap myself in my loneliness, desperation, sorrow](stop:)]
(live: 12s)[(transition:"fade")[and the ever-agonizing question](stop:)]
(live: 15s)[(transition:"fade")[of (text-colour:#DA5870)[ [[what might have been.->end]] ] ](stop:)]////I can’t.//
(live: 2s)[//I’m–//](stop:)
(live: 3s)[(transition:"fade")[''Me:'' I'm](stop:)]
(live: 5s)[so](stop:)
(live: 7s)[(transition:"fade")[sorry.](stop:)]
(live: 10s)[(transition:"fade")[//I silently make my way through the apartment towards the door, my chest weighing my head down, sights set onto the last steps I’ll take on the light-amber lacquered wood of our apartment.//](stop:)]
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [ (live: 14s)[''Her:'' No! You’re not–](stop:) ]
(live: 16s)[(transition:"fade")[//She stands up from the table, stumbling onto my trail.//](stop:)]
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [ (live: 18s)[''Her:'' YOU ARE //NOT// LEAVING! YOU DON’T GET TO–](stop:) ]
//(live: 20s)[(transition:"fade")[I close the door as soon as I step out onto the hallway, finally materializing the barrier that’d been sitting between us](stop:)]
(live: 22s)[(transition:"fade")[this whole time.](stop:)]
(live: 24s)[(transition:"fade")[She slams her hand against the door as I close it, and her wails quickly slide down towards the ground.](stop:)]
(live: 27s)[(transition:"fade")[I lay my back against the door, and too let myself succumb to the heaviness of my heart.](stop:)]
(live: 32s)[(transition:"fade")[I sit there for a moment, her sobs penetrating through my ear drums until I can’t hear anything but the mess inside my head underscored by muffled whimpers.](stop:)]
(live: 37s)[(transition:"fade")[And eventually, the vociferous nothingness I’m left with](stop:)]
(live: 39s)[as I meet my new friends](stop:)
(live: 41s)[loneliness](stop:)
(live: 42s)[sorrow](stop:)
(live: 43s)[desolation](stop:)
(live: 44s)[and we bond over the ever-agonizing question](stop:)
(live: 47s)[(transition:"fade")[of (text-colour:#DA5870)[ [[what might have been.->end]] ] ](stop:)] ////She’s staring out the window into the city, hand nestled in front of her mouth, and her elbow resting on the table. Her breathing is intense– slow, heavy.
(live: 5s)[(transition:"fade")[I sit there, thinking about everything that’s led to this moment– how I can trace every single word and expression to the day I waited for her outside the studio for 3 and a half hours until she texted me asking why I wasn’t home.](stop:)]
(live: 15s)[Because she went to a bar with her castmates.](stop:)
(live: 18s)[And how I didn’t tell her that I waited for her](stop:)
(live: 21s)[and how I stopped picking her up](stop:)
(live: 24s)[and how I missed opening night](stop:)
(live: 27s)[because I stayed at the office](stop:)
(live: 30s)[with the client that had been visiting that day](stop:)
(live: 33s)[and again](stop:)
(live: 36s)[and again](stop:)
(live: 39s)[and blamed it on her](stop:)
(live: 42s)[blamed it all on her](stop:)
(live: 45s)[until she felt guilty enough](stop:)
(live: 48s)[to feel sorry for me.](stop:)
(live: 52s)[So I could stop feeling sorry for myself.](stop:)
(text-colour:#DA5870)[ (live: 56s)[(if: $her is < 2) [ [[Enough.|enough bad]] ]
(if: $her is 2 or > 2) [ [[Enough.|enough good]] ] ](stop:) ]//''Me:'' I–
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [ (live: 1s)[''Her:'' Yeah.](stop:)
(live: 2s)[I shouldn’t have.](stop:) ]
(live: 4s)[(transition:"fade")[//There’s an air of calm resignation on her voice.//](stop:)]
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [ (live: 6s)[Fuck you.](stop:)
(live: 7.5s)[I’m done.](stop:)
(live: 9s)[I’m //so// done.](stop:) ]
//(live: 11s)[(transition:"fade")[She yanks the chair back and stands up, immediately heading towards the door.](stop:)]
(live: 14s)[And I find no strength in me to call her out](stop:)
(live: 18s)[and ask her to stay.](stop:)
(live: 22s)[(transition:"fade")[She forcefully opens the door. Before she steps out, though, she turns around and gifts me one last glance. As soon as I feel her eyes upon the back of my head, I turn around and meet her gaze.](stop:)]
(live: 29s)[(transition:"fade")[I feel my breathing become slower and steadier, my face letting go of every muscle. Her face also describes a levity that feels foreign to it.](stop:)]
(live: 36s)[(transition:"fade")[And every word, every touch, every heartbeat, every breath, every second left unsaid lingers into what feels like the shortest forever,](stop:)]
(live: 42s)[before she slowly materializes the barrier between us](stop:)
(live: 46s)[(transition:"fade")[and (text-colour:#DA5870)[ [[closes the door.|end]] ] ](stop:)]//(text-colour: #ECACB9) [ ''Her:'' …
(live: 2s)[…](stop:)
(live: 5s)[It was my decision.](stop:)
(live: 8s)[I could’ve said no.](stop:)
(live: 12s)[I’m sorry.](stop:)
(live: 15s)[I love you.](stop:)
(live: 18s)[I do.](stop:)
(live: 21s)[And I know that if I decided to stay with you, I shouldn’t have sought comfort in anyone other than you.](stop:)
(live: 26s)[So I am sorry.](stop:) ]
(live: 29s)[(transition:"fade")[//She reaches her hand across the table, opening her palm to me. A wistful smile etches across her lips.//](stop:)]
(live: 34s)[(transition:"fade")[//I reciprocate her smile, and lift my hand to put it on hers//](stop:)]
(live: 36s)[//No.//](stop:)
(live: 37s)[//I can’t.//](stop:)
(live: 40s)[//I can’t.//](stop:)
(live: 42s)[''Me:'' No.](stop:)
(live: 44s)[You don’t–](stop:)
(live: 46s)[We still need to do this.](stop:)
(live: 49s)[Let go.](stop:)
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [ (live: 51s)[''Her:'' W–](stop:) ]
(live: 52s)[''Me:'' I can’t let the past go.](stop:)
(live: 55s)[Every time I see you, I’m reminded of the scars I carved on your heart. I can’t let go of the guilt.](stop:)
(live: 59s)[And I’m exhausted.](stop:)
(live: 64s)[And I know you are too.](stop:)
(live: 69s)[It was so easy before.](stop:)
(live: 73s)[But now we’ve put up so many walls between us](stop:)
(live: 77s)[that we have to break them down if we want our love back](stop:)
(live: 81s)[and even then](stop:)
(live: 84s)[we’d be amidst the ruins of all the hurt and grief](stop:)
(live: 87s)[and be reminded of it](stop:)
(live: 90s)[every second](stop:)
(live: 93s)[of every day](stop:)
(live: 97s)[and I know that the only way you’ll be able to someday be happy again is to just walk away from the remains of what once was](stop:)
(live: 102s)[and not settle upon them.](stop:)
(live: 106s)[I know you that well.](stop:)
(live: 109s)[(transition:"fade")[//She’s stone-faced, tears effortlessly flowing out of her eyes.//](stop:)]
(live: 112s)[//She knows I’m right.//](stop:)
(live: 116s)[(transition:"fade")[//She pulls her hand back and rests her forehead against it.//](stop:)]
(live: 119s)[(transition:"fade")[//I was able to save my tears, but I can feel the sting of my voice scratching against my throat.//](stop:)]
(live: 124s)[(transition:"fade")[I love you.](stop:)]
(live: 128s)[(transition:"fade")[//I delicately push my chair back, and rise above the table. I let one last tear roll down my cheek before I turn my body to the door.//](stop:)]
(live: 134s)[(transition:"fade")[I always will.](stop:)]
(live: 137s)[(transition:"fade")[//I dejectedly start making my way to the door.//](stop:)]
(text-colour: #ECACB9) [ (live: 142s)[(transition:"fade")[''Her:'' I love you too.](stop:)] ]
(live: 145s)[(transition:"fade")[//I stop, and the pressure upon my chest is enough to let a couple of tears drop.//](stop:)]
(live: 149s)[(transition:"fade")[//I reach the door. Once I step on the hallway, there’s one last impulse that stands between the door and the lock.//](stop:)]
(text-colour:#a2243b) [(live: 156s)[(transition:"fade")[//[[Look back at her, one last time.]]
[[Close the door.]]// ](stop:)] ]
↶↷to you