Farmer Blues

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a silly little story by
Blackfish

Dramatis Personae

Home shore

Market shore

You are a farmer, and you are taking some produce to sell at the nearby market town.

What is your name, farmer?

Great!

You are a farmer, and you are taking some produce to sell at the nearby market town. What is your name, farmer? <<textbox "$name" "Bob">> [[Great!|startnamed]]

a silly little story by Blackfish [[Dramatis Personae]] Home shore <<if $wheatcross is false>>Bag of wheat <</if>><<if $hencross is false>>Chicken <</if>><<if $dogcross is false>>Dog <</if>><<if $farmercross is false>>Farmer<</if>> Market shore <<if $wheatcross is true>>Bag of wheat <</if>><<if $hencross is true>>Chicken <</if>><<if $dogcross is true>>Dog <</if>><<if $farmercross is true>>Farmer<</if>>

!!!On the home shore <<if $wheatcross is false>>Bag of wheat <</if>><<if $hencross is false>>Chicken <</if>><<if $dogcross is false>>Dog <</if>><<if $farmercross is false>>Farmer<</if>> !!!On the market shore <<if $wheatcross is true>>Bag of wheat <</if>><<if $hencross is true>>Chicken <</if>><<if $dogcross is true>>Dog <</if>><<if $farmercross is true>>Farmer<</if>> <<back>>

<<if $name is "">>Hullo there, stranger. I think you forgot to tell me your name. Please, [[go back|startprime]] and fill that there textbox in, okay? <<else>><<if $name is "Farmer">>You got a strange name, you don't mind me saying. Well, that's fine, a name's a name. Hullo anyway.<<elseif $name is "Blues">>Heh. I like your sense of humor. Anyway, hullo there!<<else>>Well hullo there, Farmer $name!<</if>> The gist of it is, you've planned out this trip rather poorly (if you'll pardon my saying so). See, on the way to the market town is a river. And the boats there are small, and fit only two items, you included. And on this here trip, you've brought with you a bag of prime wheat you call Bruce, your prize chicken Pertelote, and your dog Spot. As you know, Spot is your best friend in the whole world, but he's a scoundrel at heart. If you leave him alone with dear Pertelote, he gonna try to eat her! Pertelote's no angel neither, though she may be winged like one. If you leave her alone with the bag of wheat, she gonna eat all of your wheat! And Bruce... well he's a bag of wheat with a smiley face drawn on the bag in crayon. He's gonna be well-behaved no matter what. It's the other two what give you a problem. Anyway, daylight's burnin'. Let's [[get a move on|whocross]]. <<set $wheatcross to false>> <<set $hencross to false>> <<set $dogcross to false>> <<set $farmercross to false>><</if>>

You cross with Bruce, <<if $hencross is false and $dogcross is false>>leaving behind Spot and Pertelote. Halfway across, you hear a distressed squawk followed by a sickening crunch of bone. When you look back to shore, you see Spot with darling Pertelote, limp in his red mouth. Spot looks at you with a bloody stupid grin. You can't even be mad at him. Look at that adorable little murderer. Instead you raise your fists to the heavens. "NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Your favorite chicken, her life ended in an instant by a moment of stupidity. She was destined to lay so many more eggs. Great eggs, nutritious and perfect in every way. But she will lay eggs no more. The curtain has fallen on lady Pertelote and her perfect eggs. Beside you, Bruce doesn't say anything, because he's a bag of wheat. BAD END<<elseif $hencross is true and $dogcross is false>>leaving behind Spot. You deposit Bruce on the shore, joining Pertelote. [[Disembark on the market shore.|whocrossback]]<<elseif $hencross is false and $dogcross is true>>leaving behind Pertelote. You deposit Bruce on the shore, joining Spot. [[Disembark on the market shore.|whocrossback]]<<elseif $hencross is true and $dogcross is true>>leaving behind no one. You deposit Bruce on the shore, joining Spot and Pertelote. [[Yay!|everyonecross]]<<else>>a debug fragment. (If you see this, something has gone wrong somewhere.)<</if>> <<set $wheatcross to true>> <<set $farmercross to true>>

You cross with Pertelote, <<if $wheatcross is false and $dogcross is false>>leaving behind Spot and Bruce. The journey across the river is uneventful. On the shore, Spot is getting along with Bruce just fine. As you watch, he raises a leg and pees on Bruce a little. That's fine. You deposit Pertelote on the shore. [[Disembark on the market shore.|whocrossback]]<<elseif $wheatcross is false and $dogcross is true>>leaving behind Bruce. You deposit Pertelote on the shore, joining Spot. [[Disembark on the market shore.|whocrossback]]<<elseif $wheatcross is true and $dogcross is false>>leaving behind Spot. You deposit Pertelote on the shore, joining Bruce. [[Disembark on the market shore.|whocrossback]]<<elseif $wheatcross is true and $dogcross is true>>leaving behind no one. You deposit Pertelote on the shore, joining Spot and Bruce. [[Yay!|everyonecross]]<<else>>a debug fragment. (If you see this, something has gone wrong somewhere.)<</if>> <<set $hencross to true>> <<set $farmercross to true>>

You cross with Spot, <<if $hencross is false and $wheatcross is false>>leaving behind Pertelote and Bruce. Halfway across, a sudden gust of wind carries an empty burlap sack across the river, until it flops into the water beside you. You realize with horror that the sack is Bruce. He is devoid of wheat, and filling fast with water, but that broad crayon grin remains steadfastly on his face. You reach over the side of the boat to caress his face one last time, but he sinks quickly, and your fingers brush only water. Looking back to shore, you see Pertelote, perched smugly on the shore, immobilized by the enormous feast she just gorged on. How does a chicken that size even go through a bag of wheat that fast? It doesn't seem anatomically possible. "BIRRRDDDDD!" you roar, shaking your fists. Her beady little eyes seem to challenge you. "What're you gonna do, Farmer $name?" they seem to say. Well, this was a fiasco. At least your family's having chicken for dinner tonight. BAD END <<elseif $hencross is true and $wheatcross is false>>leaving behind Bruce. He doesn't seem to mind, judging by the dopey grin on his face. You deposit Spot on the shore, joining Pertelote. [[Disembark on the market shore.|whocrossback]]<<elseif $hencross is false and $wheatcross is true>>leaving behind Pertelote alone on the shore. You deposit Spot on the shore, joining Bruce. [[Disembark on the market shore.|whocrossback]]<<elseif $hencross is true and $wheatcross is true>>leaving behind no one. You deposit Spot on the shore, joining Bruce and Pertelote. [[Yay!|everyonecross]]<<else>>a debug fragment. (If you see this, something has gone wrong somewhere.)<</if>> <<set $dogcross to true>> <<set $farmercross to true>>

Farmer $name - You. Well-meaning farmer, bit of an idiot. (sorry) Bruce - A bag of prime-quality wheat with a smiley face drawn on the bag. Always cheerful. Great chap. Doesn't like water. Pertelote - A prize hen from your coop. Beautiful, for a hen. A bit of a diva. Really likes Bruce. Spot - Your best friend. Pretty good boy, except for when he pees on the carpet. Or digs up all your turnips. Or tries to eat your prize hen (see above). Actually he's not a very good boy. But you love him anyway. <<back>>

You're on the home shore. Who do you take across with you? <<if $wheatcross is false>>[[The bag of wheat.|wheatcross]] <</if>><<if $hencross is false>>[[The hen.|hencross]] <</if>><<if $dogcross is false>>[[The dog.|dogcross]]<</if>> [[Go across alone.|onlyfarmercross]]

You have to make your way back. There is space for one more, should you wish to bring someone with you. <<if $wheatcross is true>>[[The bag of wheat.|wheatcrossback]] <</if>><<if $hencross is true>>[[The hen.|hencrossback]] <</if>><<if $dogcross is true>>[[The dog.|dogcrossback]]<</if>> [[Go back alone.|onlyfarmercrossback]]

<<if $dogcross is true and $hencross is false>>You take Bruce back across with you, leaving behind Spot. [[Disembark on the home shore.|whocross]]<<elseif $dogcross is false and $hencross is true>>You take Bruce back across with you, leaving behind Pertelote. [[Disembark on the home shore.|whocross]]<<elseif $dogcross is true and $hencross is true>>You take Bruce back across with you, leaving behind Spot and Pertelote. BAD END<<else>>a debug fragment. (If you see this, something has gone wrong somewhere.)<</if>> <<set $wheatcross to false>> <<set $farmercross to false>>

<<if $dogcross is false and $wheatcross is false>>You take Pertelote back across with you, leaving behind no one. [[Disembark on the home shore.|whocross]]<<elseif $dogcross is false and $wheatcross is true>>You take Pertelote back across with you, leaving behind Bruce. [[Disembark on the home shore.|whocross]]<<elseif $dogcross is true and $wheatcross is false>>You take Pertelote back across with you, leaving behind Spot. [[Disembark on the home shore.|whocross]]<<elseif $dogcross is true and $wheatcross is true>>You take Pertelote back across with you, leaving behind Spot and Bruce. [[Disembark on the home shore.|whocross]]<<else>>a debug fragment. (If you see this, something has gone wrong somewhere.)<</if>> <<set $hencross to false>> <<set $farmercross to false>>

<<if $hencross is true and $wheatcross is false>>You take Spot back across with you, leaving behind Pertelote. [[Disembark on the home shore.|whocross]]<<elseif $hencross is false and $wheatcross is true>>You take Spot back across with you, leaving behind Bruce. [[Disembark on the home shore.|whocross]]<<elseif $hencross is true and $wheatcross is true>>You take Spot back across with you, leaving behind Bruce and Pertelote. Halfway across, a sudden gust of wind carries an empty burlap sack across the river, until it flops into the water beside you. You realize with horror that the sack is Bruce. He is devoid of wheat, and filling fast with water, but that broad crayon grin remains steadfastly on his face. You reach over the side of the boat to caress his face one last time, but he sinks quickly, and your fingers brush only water. Looking back to shore, you see Pertelote, perched smugly on the shore, immobilized by the enormous feast she just gorged on. How does a chicken that size even go through a bag of wheat that fast? It doesn't seem anatomically possible. "BIRRRDDDDD!" you roar, shaking your fists. Her beady little eyes seem to challenge you. "What're you gonna do, Farmer $name?" they seem to say. Well, this was a fiasco. At least your family's having chicken for dinner tonight. BAD END<<else>>a debug fragment. (If you see this, something has gone wrong somewhere.)<</if>> <<set $dogcross to false>> <<set $farmercross to false>>

<<if $hencross is true and $wheatcross is false and $dogcross is false>>You go back across alone, leaving behind Pertelote. [[Disembark on the home shore.|whocross]]<<elseif $hencross is true and $wheatcross is true and $dogcross is false>>You go back across alone, leaving behind Bruce and Pertelote. Halfway across, a sudden gust of wind carries an empty burlap sack across the river, until it flops into the water beside you. You realize with horror that the sack is Bruce. He is devoid of wheat, and filling fast with water, but that broad crayon grin remains steadfastly on his face. You reach over the side of the boat to caress his face one last time, but he sinks quickly, and your fingers brush only water. Looking back to shore, you see Pertelote, perched smugly on the shore, immobilized by the enormous feast she just gorged on. How does a chicken that size even go through a bag of wheat that fast? It doesn't seem anatomically possible. "BIRRRDDDDD!" you roar, shaking your fists. Her beady little eyes seem to challenge you. "What're you gonna do, Farmer $name?" they seem to say. Well, this was a fiasco. At least your family's having chicken for dinner tonight. BAD END<<elseif $hencross is false and $wheatcross is true and $dogcross is true>>You go back across alone, leaving behind Spot and Bruce. The journey across the river is uneventful. On the shore, Spot is getting along with Bruce just fine. As you watch, he raises a leg and pees on Bruce a little. That's fine. [[Disembark on the home shore.|whocross]]<<elseif $hencross is true and $wheatcross is false and $dogcross is true>>You go back across alone, leaving behind Spot and Pertelote. Halfway across, you hear a distressed squawk followed by a sickening crunch of bone. When you look back to shore, you see Spot with darling Pertelote, limp in his red mouth. Spot looks at you with a bloody stupid grin. You can't even be mad at him. Look at that adorable little murderer. Instead you raise your fists to the heavens. "NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Your favorite chicken, her life ended in an instant by a moment of stupidity. She was destined to lay so many more eggs. Great eggs, nutritious and perfect in every way. But she will lay eggs no more. The curtain has fallen on lady Pertelote and her perfect eggs. On the opposite shore, Bruce doesn't say anything, because he's a bag of wheat. BAD END<<else>>a debug fragment. (If you see this, something has gone wrong somewhere.)<</if>> <<set $farmercross to false>>

Everyone is across. :) Good job for not screwing this up, Farmer $name! You go on to sell your produce and return to your farm with a fat purse. Next month, you'll do it all over again. But that's a story for another time. THE END

This page magically teleports everyone across the river. <<set $wheatcross to true>> <<set $hencross to true>> <<set $dogcross to true>> <<set $farmercross to true>> <<back>>

You cross alone, leaving behind <<if $wheatcross is false and $hencross is false and $dogcross is false>>Bruce, Pertelote and Spot. Pertelote wastes no time in tearing into Bruce. His burlap face is split by her sharp claws, and his wheaty innards spill out. Spot, not wanting to miss out on the fun, lunges at Pertelote, catching her in his jaws and snapping her neck instantly. Chicken blood spurts over the bag of wheat that was Bruce, seeping into the grains. As you watch from the boat, helpless and horrified, Spot wags his tail at you expectantly. Your prize hen is dead and there's now chicken blood all over your best wheat. At least Spot is happy. You could not have screwed that up more, Farmer $name. BAD END<<elseif $wheatcross is false and $hencross is false and $dogcross is true>>Bruce and Pertelote. Halfway across, a sudden gust of wind carries an empty burlap sack across the river, until it flops into the water beside you. You realize with horror that the sack is Bruce. He is devoid of wheat, and filling fast with water, but that broad crayon grin remains steadfastly on his face. You reach over the side of the boat to caress his face one last time, but he sinks quickly, and your fingers brush only water. Looking back to shore, you see Pertelote, perched smugly on the shore, immobilized by the enormous feast she just gorged on. How does a chicken that size even go through a bag of wheat that fast? It doesn't seem anatomically possible. "BIRRRDDDDD!" you roar, shaking your fists. Her beady little eyes seem to challenge you. "What're you gonna do, Farmer $name?" they seem to say. Well, this was a fiasco. At least your family's having chicken for dinner tonight. BAD END<<elseif $wheatcross is true and $hencross is false and $dogcross is false>>Pertelote and Spot. Halfway across, you hear a distressed squawk followed by a sickening crunch of bone. When you look back to shore, you see Spot with darling Pertelote, limp in his red mouth. Spot looks at you with a bloody stupid grin. You can't even be mad at him. Look at that adorable little murderer. Instead you raise your fists to the heavens. "NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Your favorite chicken, her life ended in an instant by a moment of stupidity. She was destined to lay so many more eggs. Great eggs, nutritious and perfect in every way. But she will lay eggs no more. The curtain has fallen on lady Pertelote and her perfect eggs. On the opposite shore, Bruce doesn't say anything, because he's a bag of wheat. BAD END<<elseif $wheatcross is false and $hencross is true and $dogcross is false>>Bruce and Spot. [[whocrossback]]<<elseif $wheatcross is true and $hencross is false and $dogcross is true>>Pertelote. [[whocrossback]]<<else>>a debug fragment. (If you see this, something has gone wrong somewhere.)<</if>> <<set $farmercross to true>>