MESSAGE 1 As you start to $VERB$ into bed, Mrs. Clause pushes you back out mumbling something about you and she both having better things to do. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 2 You carefully work with the fire until there is only a stack of glowing coals that will keep the house warm the rest of the night. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 3 The reindeer glance at the page and shrug, "Sure you've got December 24th circled, but this is leap year. You're a day early." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 4 As you flip to the February page, the reindeer freeze in shock. "Oh X%$#! This ISN'T a leap year after all!" and they fly off toward the pen, leaving you skating alone under the frosty winter moon. (Yes, I know a moon overhead at the North Pole is impossible. It's poetic license.) END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 5 You find it very difficult to walk while wearing the ice skates. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 6 You poke around in the fireplace until you pick up a stick about a foot and a half long with a large boll flaming on one end, custom made for use as a torch. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 7 You sink in and fall asleep and miss Christmas. The kiddies will be so sad. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 8 "Get back down here and drink your milk," yells Mrs Clause from below. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 9 "Why dear, you know your magic only works within an hour of midnight. Now hurry, dumpling. I forgot it was Christmas Eve. Here, I fixed you some cookies and milk. Better hurry, it's already #CTR1# after #VAR1#." She hands you the goodies then disappears out the door to harness the reindeer. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 10 "Sorry dumpling. I forgot it was Christmas Eve. Here, I fixed you some cookies and milk. Better hurry, it's already #CTR1# after #VAR1#." She hands you the goodies then disappears out the door to harness the reindeer. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 11 As in the Russian Custom, you divide the grain up into several piles representing your future paths -- wealth, travel, companions, etc. -- and wait for the chicken to peck at one. The sleepy bird hesitates, then wanders over to the "wealth" pile and starts pecking. A small gold coin appears. Not what you really wanted, but you take it anyway. Being a practical sort, and feeling justifiably above routine Christmas rituals, you push the "travel" and "companions" piles together into one big pile and put it in front of the chicken. When this fails to elicit a response, you take the chicken gently by the beak and shove its little pecker right into the grain. This does the trick. You instantly hear the familiar sound of elf and reindeer outside. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 12 If they think it's leap year, TURN THE PAGES to show them February. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 13 Nibbling on the cookies reminds you of the need to be careful eating goodies left around. Many countries' traditions call for coins or small gifts to be baked into them, and good dentists are so hard to find around midnight. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 14 As you drink the milk, you hear Mrs. Clause hitching up the sleigh outside. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 15 You wander into the garden as Mrs Clause finishes hitching up the team. She gives you a good-bye kiss and heads back into the house as you climb in. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 16 Back among the dust bunnies you notice your old skates. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 17 On a whim, you reach for more of the flaming sticks and try that old juggling routine. Unfortunately, you drop one, burning down the entire house. You spend the rest of the year rebuilding. No Christmas this year. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 18 She only mumbles in her sleep and snuggles deeper into the covers. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 19 Without the skates, you flail helplessly then fall on your well-padded bottom. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 20 As you get out of the sleigh the sound of snoring catches your attention. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 21 You poke at the embers, but cannot find any sticks that would serve as a torch. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 22 Your spirits are on the verge of depression when you notice a dim light ahead. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 23 "You must be slippin' in your old age, boss. You know we're rubbing elbows with the International Date Line as it is. If we head that way, we'll end up in tomorrow for sure. Then where would your magic be?" END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 24 "From here I think we can make it West to the New Hebrides or NorthWest to the Caroline Islands. No unusual customs to worry about." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 25 "Get back in there and drink your milk," yells Mrs Clause from the garden. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 26 ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ· ³°°°°°°°°°°°°°º ³°ÉÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ͸°º ³°º LOCAL ³°º ³°º #VAR2#:0#CTR1# ³°º | OK, so it's a DIGITAL clock. YOU try to draw ³°º ³°º | a working clock DIAL on a text screen. ³°ºGREENWICH³°º ³°º #VAR4#:0#CTR1# ³°º ³°ÓÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ°º ³°°°°°°°°°°°°°º ÔÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍͼ END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 27 At your command, the team leaps to the sky and charge madly off into the inky night. As you settle in for the ride, you notice the elf tugging at your arm and pointing back at the workshop. Looking around, you see flames pouring out of the windows and Mrs Clause standing outside throwing handsful of snow on the fire. "Looks like you forgot to bank the fire before you left, eh boss?" You go back to spend the rest of the year rebuilding. No Christmas this year. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 28 "From here it's NorthWest to Siberia (Brrr!), SouthWest to Queensland or West to Guam. Looks like you'll be Grandfather Frost, Father Christmas or Santa." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 29 "Looks like our options are NorthWest to Guam, West to Queensland or SouthWest to Tasmania. No unusual customs - just Santa and Father Christmas." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 30 "Gee boss, I think it has to do with the local time where you're working." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 31 Reindeer are bad enough about reading calendars, let alone telling time. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 32 Your whistle is choked off as a sleeping elf rolls from under the seat. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 33 "Let's see ... It looks like NorthWest to Japan or West to New Guinea would be good. Japan - that's Hoteiosho with the eyes in the back of the head, right?" END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 34 "Hmm, the only safe route from here is NorthWest to New Guinea." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 35 At your whistle, the reindeer rise swiftly into the air. Dudley grabs the reins and asks, "What direction shall we go?" END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 36 "Well. looks like West to Mongolia or Southwest to China are the choices here. Mongolia won't take long with as little Christmas business as we get there, but you get to be Dun Che Lao Ren or Lan Khoong-Khoong in China." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 37 You seem to be outside of the 11 pm to 1 am range. You know, of course, that this means your magic has just run out for the year. (Don't you hate it when that happens?) END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 38 "I'd go West to the Philippines or SouthWest to Australia if I were you, boss. That would be Santa Clause or Father Christmas. We might be able to make it NorthWest to China and you get to be Dun Che Lao Ren or Lan Khoong-Khoong." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 39 Reluctantly, you bend down and start to push on the sleigh. The runners refuse to budge in the soft sand, however, and you are nearly exhausted by the time you look up and notice a late night beach stroller looking on curiously. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 40 You squint at the strange characters and symbols on the map. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 41 "Whew. From here it looks like it's SouthWest to Tibet or nothing. At least there won't be much work to do there." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 42 "That might be the mistake of the night, boss. There's nothing but ocean out that way. It'd be a long, cold swim back home after the team pooped out." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 43 "Well now, I'd say we can make Singapore to the West or Christmas Island to the SouthWest sounds interesting." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 44 "Ok, from here we can go NorthWest to Singapore or West to Christmas Island." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 45 "I wouldn't go that way if I were you, boss. There's no place to land in the right time zone and without your magic, we'd be up a paddle with no creek." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 46 "Not a very good idea, you know. You should remember that the North and South Poles always use Greenwich Standard time, so we'd be in trouble the minute we landed. Well away from midnight and, Poof -- no more magic." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 47 "I don't like the sound of that. We'd be flying right into China and the whole thing's one big time zone from coast to coast. The only safe route in is through one of those Russian time zones that are all set forward one hour." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 48 "Our only choice here seems to be SouthWest to Nicobar. Something about that place rings a bell, but I can't recall what." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 49 We get Hobson's choice here. It's West to Nicobar, or nothing. I've got a funny feeling about that place, though." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 50 #CTR1# after #VAR1# on the 25th." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 51 He then wishes you Merry Christmas and hands you a very nice surf board before continuing his stroll down the beach. Sheepishly, Dudley pipes up, "I guess I should have studied the maps in your almanac a little closer, huh, Boss?" END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 52 The elf digs down into his pocket and hands you a small almanac. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 53 "Well boss, as I recall, the almanac lets us know about local customs and the maps show the rough positions of our usual stops and their local time zones. We gotta plan our route so we don't get caught more than an hour away from midnight local time or your magic goes phfft. You figure that the longer we stay at one spot, the more rest the reindeer get so we make better time to the next location. Anyway, we always seem to get there about the top of the hour." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 54 "Hey, boss, you know we can't go back East. 1 am will catch up with us and we'll crash. Give me a good direction." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 55 Dudley skillfully guides the reindeer through the starry night and sets the sleigh down softly at the next destination. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 56 Ah, how good it feels to rest in your soft, comfortable chair, warming your feet in front of your fireplace . . . wait a minute, you're not in your living room, you're lying flat on your back on a sandy beach. You start to scratch your head and discover the reason for your confusion, ANOTHER tender bump. Then you notice the coconut lying on the beach next to you and a certain clumsy elf just coming down from a coconut tree looking very sheepish. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 57 You pick up the coconut, figuring it might make an interesting souvenir of what is starting out to be the wierdest Christmas Eve in memory - or is your memory still messed up? You take your bag of toys and make the rounds of the houses on the island, stopping only once to dodge a brick that Dudley knocks loose from a chimney top. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 58 "New to these parts, ain't yu gov'ner? They moved the Royal Observatory down to Sussex 30 years ago on account of the lights of London. You can nip right round to it by tram or bicycle if you brought one." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 59 "Righto! What's this then? Knew I shouldn't trust a bloke in a Father Xmas get-up inquiring after this and that in the middle of the night. Bicycle napping 'll put you away cozy for the rest of the 'olidays. Come along now." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 60 The cat quickly laps up the milk then does a very odd thing. She starts singing "MY COUNTRY TIS OF THEE..." Not at all what you'd expect to be in a Danish cat's repertoire. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 61 Looking up, you see that the Bobby has come to bolt upright attention. Of course, that's the tune to GOD SAVE THE QUEEN too. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 62 Your heart sinks as you realize that you have no way to pay for a ride on the tram nor to get the bicycle. Christmas is over for this year. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 63 You step on the skate and fall. You get up rubbing the #VAR10# bumps on your head very gingerly. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 64 With a skate on one foot, all you do is move in a small circle. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 65 Dudley looks at the skate and says, "Oh, I was wondering where I left that. Great workmanship, ain't it?" The bumps on your head throb more than ever. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 66 Despite having no skate key, you manage to cram the skate over your left boot. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 67 Finally, the #VAR10# bumps are too much for you. You develop amnesia and forget about Christmas. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 68 You try for several minutes before you realize that it is very difficult to put a roller skate on over an ice skate. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 69 You try for several minutes before you realize that it is very difficult to put an ice skate on over a roller skate. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 70 "Nice $NOUN$ - but not my style". He hands the $NOUN$ back. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 71 The speaker drones on and on . . . END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 72 "The British astronomer, Edmond Haley, of comet fame, proposed that the earth might consist of several concentric spheres placed one inside of another..." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 73 "John Cleves Symmes proposed that there would be a large hole (`Symmes' Hole') at each pole. In 1820, he petitioned Congress to fund an expedition. Unfortunately, only 25 congressmen voted for it . . . " END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 74 "A privately-financed expedition was mounted in 1924, but it was unsuccessful. William Reed and Marshall P. Gardner both published books supporting the theory in the 1920's, just prior to Perry's expeditions to the poles . . . " END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 75 "Cyrus Reed Tweed from Utica, New York turned the whole theory inside out -- literally. He said that the earth is hollow and WE are living on the inside. This theory was the basis of a Nazi expedition to the Baltic in April of 1942 to aim infrared cameras upward to photograph British ship movements across the center of the hollow earth . . . " END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 76 Witty as the speaker thinks himself, you decide you have better things to do. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 77 Looking over your shoulder, the elf studies the strange markings and offers, END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 78 You bite into the cake only to have your teeth strike a solid object inside. Picking through the crumbs, you find a small gold coin. Oh, bother, now you'll have to have another chipped tooth fixed. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 79 Now that's silly. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 80 "Oh #Ö%*÷!!" blurts Dudley, "We've waited too long to level out and the team's just stalled out and gone into a tail spin. Kiss Christmas good-bye for this year." You always hate trips that end like this. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 81 "Finally, we're off again. Looks like we get slim pickings at this point. The Azores are in range to the SouthWest. No unusual customs." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 82 Your spirits are on the verge of depression when you notice a dark speck ahead. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 83 Don't be such a glutton, one thing at a time. You'll get gas. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 84 ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ· ³°°°°°°°°°°°°°º ³°ÉÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ͸°º ³°º LOCAL ³°º ³°º #VAR2#:0#CTR1# ³°º | OK, so it's a DIGITAL clock. YOU try to draw ³°º ³°º | a working clock DIAL on a text screen. ³°ºGREENWICH³°º ³°º #VAR4#:0#CTR1# ³°º ³°ÓÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ°º ³°°°°°°°°°°°°°º ÔÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍͼ END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 85 As the sleigh spirals ever higher, Dudley yells out, "Times awasting. Give me a direction. You know, `North', `NorthWest', etc." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 86 As you step out of the sleigh, you realize that you don't have a parachute. Luckily, Dudley is able to grab you in time and haul you back in. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 87 "Big choice for the good guys. SouthWest to St. Paul Rock." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 88 "We better fly West to St. Paul Rock or we'll have to ditch in the Atlantic." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 89 You notice an elf napping under the driver's bench. Just then, he wakes up. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 90 You tell the stranger about your predicament. He lets out a small laugh and says, "That was years ago. The International Date Line was moved East of here so the Fiji Islands would all be in the same day and time zone. It's still END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 91 #CTR1# after #VAR1# on the 24th." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 92 Dudley looks up at you with the mother of all sheepish grins. "Oops, silly me. I forgot all about this being the time for midnight sun at the South Pole. The reindeer fell asleep as soon as we crossed the Antarctic Circle and the sun hit them. I guess we're kinda stranded for the next 3 months. Heh." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 93 "Looks like the mainland's in reach if we head SouthWest to Brazil. Papa No‰l gets to fill shoes and hide presents around the house tonight. Bom Natal!" END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 94 Too late, you realize the folly of this move. With a mighty blast the rocket pack yanks you off your feet and into the ceiling. You ricochet off into one wall and then another. Faster and faster you bounce around like a flubber ball in Professor Brainard's laboratory . . . Days later you wake up and conclude that that was NOT the way to end your Christmas run. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 95 Ever have that feeling that, the second you've done something, you just KNOW it was a mistake? Well, you've got that feeling right now. The rocket pack takes off like a shot and starts ricocheting around the walls and ceiling of the confined space, spewing greasy smoke and sparks like something from your worst nightmares after seeing CHRISTINE, TOWERING INFERNO, and THE LEGEND OF SLEEPY HOLLOW all on the same bill. By the time it is all over, your beard is a singed stubble, and your costume . . . well, I don't think the world is really ready for an au natural Santa so lets just call it a wrap for this year and let you get cleaned up for another try next year. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 96 Oh, wow! You take off like a shot heading out for your orbit around the planet. Unfortunately -- wouldn't you just know it -- the Martian moon, Phobos just happens to pass by at extreme periaerion (or whatever you call it on Mars). The resulting slingshot effect hurtles you out into the far reaches of outer space. By the most unlikely of coincidences, just when you are about to disappear into the void, you are picked up by a strange group travelling in some kind of "ultimate improbability drive" space ship and returned safely to the North Pole. Maybe next year will work out better. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 97 Cute move! The rocket pack takes off all by itself to the East. Without the weight of a passenger, it whips quickly around the planet for TWO orbits and, just as you turn around to look to the West, comes barreling down on you at full speed. This looks like as good a time as any to say bye, bye and see you next year. (Don't worry, a little thing like a speeding rocket pack never hurt as big a legend as Santa Clause. Yet.) END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 98 A master stroke! The extra gravity of earth prevents you from achieving a full orbit, but safely strapped in the Rocket pack, you take off and circle half way around the globe in a few minutes to alight back at the North Pole only a few feet from your workshop. You figure you've got a good three months to catch up on your sleep before Dudley gets back with the sled and team. Of course, once there, being the saint that you are, you cannot stand the thought of the kids in those #VAR9# countries that you missed not getting their presents. With a little help from your emergency supply of Christmas magic that Mrs. Clause keeps tucked away in her pantry, you manage to turn the clock back a day and set out once again to catch the places you missed. Ho Ho Ho! END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 99 "We can go NorthWest to Bermuda, West to Venezuela, or SouthWest to Chile. Hey, some roller skating after Midnight Mass or coming in through the window as Viejo Pascuero, sounds like fun." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 100 Oh, boy! Now you've done it. You take off in the rocket pack, but in the higher gravity of earth, make it only half way around and set down in Western Africa. Looks like a long trek out before you try again next year. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 101 Oops! There goes the rocket pack. Now you know what Wile E. Coyote felt like when his Acme Super Skyrockets blasted off the second he touched a match to the fuse. Your beard is a singed stubble, and your costume . . . well, I don't think the world is really ready for an au natural Santa so lets just call it a wrap for this year and let you get cleaned up for another try next year. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 102 You have not yet visited the following locations: END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 103 Tasmania -- Beautiful hills and apple orchards (and the Tasmanian Devil). END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 104 "From here NorthWest to Haiti, West to Columbia and SouthWest to Peru all look good. I love watching the Papel de Globos in Columbia, and I know Papa No‰l likes eating midnight tamales in Peru." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 105 "Looks like we can get to Columbia in the NorthWest or Peru in the West. I love watching the Papel de Globos in Columbia, and I know Papa No‰l likes eating midnight tamales in Peru." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 106 Siberia -- Colder than the North Pole. Home of the Troika (3-horse sleigh). END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 107 "Looks like we can make the Canadian Rockies to the NorthWest or Kansas to the West. Feel Like Santa Clause or Father Christmas?" END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 108 Guam -- Pacific sand and sunny beaches. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 109 "From here, we can do Guatemala to the NorthWest or the Gal pagos to the West." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 110 "Our only choice here is the Gal pagos to the NorthWest." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 111 "From here, we gotta go SouthWest to Yellowstone or blow our time zones." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 112 Queensland, Australia -- The Great Barrier Reef and (gulp) Sharks. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 113 "We get to go NorthWest to Yellowstone or West to Mexico." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 114 "From here it's NorthWest to Mexico" END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 115 Japan -- Land of peace, tranquility and Godzilla. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 116 China -- Confusion say: A spot of tea help you on your journey. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 117 "Oh boy! We can make it to HOLLYWOOD if we head West. Can we please, Hm?" END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 118 You give your usual whistle, but nothing happens. The tortoise in the faded jersey turns to his harnessmate wearing the polka dot mask and says, "Well, DaVinci, looks like we've built up too much wind resistance over the years." "Either that, or we're just not eating right any more," he mutters back. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 119 The Philippines -- A place for all weary soles to rest their heels. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 120 Western Australia -- A shrimp on the Barbie, but no garlic on the Ken. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 121 Tibet -- Wisdom at the feet of the Lama (or is it LLama or LLLama?) END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 122 Singapore -- One of the world's busiest ports. Better jump quick. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 123 Christmas Island -- Former A-bomb tests. Takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 124 New York -- Where it all started. Again. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 125 Venezuela -- A cheap skate or a gay blade, it all works the same here. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 126 "Well, This gets real tricky from this point. The time zones are shifted way to the West in Alaska, so we have to go sorta SouthWest to Hawaii and then pick our route to the Pole in two jumps from there." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 127 Chile -- Hot times tonight. Better open up a window. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 128 Peru -- Lamas lamas lamas, or is it llamas llamas llamas? Lllamas lllamas? END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 129 The Canadian Rockies -- Why can't that elf Dudley do right at least once? END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 130 The Island of Haiti -- Mysterious waters. Who knows where you'll end up. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 131 "Things look really weird from here. The time zones are so distorted up here in Alaska that we're almost to the International Date Line, but we're still 3 hours off. We gotta head SOUTH to Hawaii, then make two more stops before we get back to the Pole." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 132 "Ok now, as I figure it, hmm . . . Midway's West, but we'd have nowhere to go after that. Nothing NorthWest. Ah, here we go. We can just make Danger Island to the SouthWest, then we got a clear run to the Pole from there." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 133 Columbia -- Juan Valdez isn't here, but you may get your coffee beans roasted. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 134 Only #VAR9# more to go. (You are on trip number #VAR17# around the globe.) END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 135 Wait a minute. You got them all! Now all you have to do is find your way back safely to the North Pole and you've won! END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 136 "Your existence is in question, since, if I were to believe in belief, I would not believe in you, yet, since I am beyond believing and know that I know not, I know that I know you know, that I know . . . that I know you now believe . . . that. Oh, bother. Here, have a nice cup o' tea while I sort it out." He holds out the tea to you and starts mumbling to himself. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 137 The Lama only mumbles to himself. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 138 "Ok, Now for my big plan. We can fly South to reach the Pole. Since it's on Greenwich Standard time, we'll be home free." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 139 As you pour the contents of the cup past your lips, your nose reminds you that YAK BUTTER TEA is NOT your cup of tea! You wish you had forgone the pleasure. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 140 You sip politely on the cup of tea as the old gentleman looks on stoically. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 141 That's odd, you could have sworn that the doorway was this direction. Something seems to be making your thinking fuzzy. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 142 You try again, but don't seem to be able to find your way around any more. You notice the smell of the strange tea pervading the air. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 143 This time, you stumble against the wall. The smell of the tea clogs your head. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 144 Your head seems to be getting thicker and the room is starting to sway. In the distance you can hear the call of sea gulls and the lapping of water. You feel the roll of the deck under your feet. The roll of the deck under your feet? You shake your head to clear it. Opening your eyes, you see ships rigging and ocean and . . . Oh, no! Shanghai! You've been Shanghaied. This never happened when you had an experienced elf along for the Christmas run. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 145 You bow politely and inquire as to the possibility of having the gentleman make repairs to your damaged sleigh. He returns your bow and offers you a cup of tea to discuss the matter over. Something about his manner seems a little odd. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 146 As the sleigh leaps to the sky, you look over and see the look of terror in Dudley's eyes. Before you can grab the reins from his clammy little hands you hear his shrill voice pipe out, "LIGHT SPEED TO ENDOR!" Now you freeze in terror as you realize what he has done. Maybe that phrase was cute when the Droid Rex used it on the Star Tours ride at Disneyland, but as a command to a magic team of reindeer it is a 5-alarm disaster. You grab futilely for the railing of the sleigh as the team bolts into action. The boom of the sound barrier is followed almost instantly by the glow of a thermal shock cone forming, then colors start to shift and a cone of blackness forms as light starts to bend and contract as you accelerate. Instantly the world shifts to an inky blackness that mortal man will never know and then before instantly -- you have passed the speed of light and normal time has vanished -- gravitational tidal forces such as only black holes and time warps produce start tearing at the sleigh and everything in it. You barely hear your uncharacteristic, "Oh shi-i--i--i_ i_i i / \ \ \|/ i i -i- / i / \ i \i__i__i/ END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 147 You ask the man about booking passage to the Netherlands. He smiles politely and consults the schedule before quoting the fare. Then you realize that you are temporarily without local currency. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 148 Sadly, you walk back over to one of the benches and curl up to sleep the rest of the night. The next day, you earn the cost of passage sweeping up and eventually make your way back to the North Pole. Some Christmases just don't work out like you want. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 149 Then you remember the small coin you found in Russia. You dig deep into your robe pocket and, politely, you hand it to the man and ask whether it might cover the cost of passage. The man squints at it distractedly, then his eyes shoot wide open. He starts screaming something so loudly that you jump back in shock. He pulls a small tin whistle out from under the counter and blows on it till his cheeks turn a shade of purple that matches the small ornaments on his Christmas tree. Just as you turn to exit, two policemen step in and bar your way. The little man shows the coin to the officers, and the next thing you know, you have been hustled away and find yourself in a courtroom. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 150 You start to enter the sleigh , then think better of it. You just couldn't leave without checking out the oil spill. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 151 Suddenly, the horses bolt for freedom. You are not agile enough to control all three at once and end up eating dust and watching them chase each other off into the moonset. You pick yourself up, brush the hoof prints off your forehead and sadly start the long hike back to the North Pole. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 152 You start to lead the white horse out when, suddenly, you hear a sound behind you like an army of sledge hammers starting to attack the barn. Turning back, you see the two stallions kicking down their stalls and running away in the night. Now you remember the rule about leaving those two alone. Sadly, you start the long hike back to the North Pole. That's it for Christmas this year. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 153 As you try to back the skittish horse into the trace, you notice it eyeing the empty spot to the right suspiciously. The harder you push, the more nervous it becomes until, suddenly, it bolts and dances right over you on its way out of sight over the horizon. You pick yourself up, brush the hoof prints off your forehead and sadly start the long hike back to the North Pole. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 154 A dreadful mistake! you have just harnessed the red and black horses together without the white one there to calm them. The ensuing destruction is a sight to behold as both horses rear and twist to break free, leaving the harness and sleigh a pile of twisted red and black junk as they gallop over the horizon. Looks like you'll be riding shank's mare back to the North Pole. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 155 The $ADJECTIVE$ $NOUN$ is already harnessed, silly. You need to unhitch it first. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 156 Having hitched all the horses up correctly, you give a whistle and glide off smartly in the midnight cold toward central Russia. The bells on the Troika's central arch jingle merrily in the dark. "Jingle bells, jingle bells . . . You wonder where you've heard that before. Eventually, you arrive at the little village of Nerchinsk, near the Mongolian border. The horses are tired, so you see to it that they are properly checked in at the all night desk of the local Hertzki rent-a-team and proceed to go about your work as Nickolas of Myra (or Grandfather Frost depending on the political leanings of a given area). END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 157 Oops! You forgot that that move would leave a horse with an empty trace to the right. It bolts and dances right over you on its way out of sight over the horizon. You pick yourself up, brush the hoof prints off your forehead and sadly start the long hike back to the North Pole. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 158 You gently, but firmly guide the $NOUN$ into the empty trace. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 159 You gently, but firmly guide the horse into the empty trace. It seems nervous and disoriented. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 160 As soon as you loose your grip on the horse's mane, it bolts for the wide open spaces. Looks like you'll be riding shank's mare back to the North Pole. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 161 You leave the $ADJECTIVE$ horse in the barn. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 162 It would help if you were to say what you want to $VERB$ the $NOUN$ to. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 163 As you grab the mane of the second horse, your realize your mistake. Immediately the red and black horses start to fight. After they chase each other off into the moonset, you pick yourself up, brush the hoof prints off your forehead and sadly start the long hike back to the North Pole. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 164 Are you sure you want to $VERB$ the $ADJECTIVE$ $NOUN$? I don't seem to see any $ADJECTIVE$ $NOUN$ around here. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 165 Are you sure you want to $VERB$ the $ADJECTIVE$ $NOUN$ $PREPOSITION$ the $OBJECT$? I don't seem to see any $OBJECT$ around here. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 166 Getting a little senile in our old age? You are leading the $ADJECTIVE$ $NOUN$ by the mane at this very moment. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 167 You take a gentle hold of the $ADJECTIVE$ $NOUN$ and lead it out. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 168 That doesn't sound like such a hot idea to me. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 169 "I was just thinking how good a carrot-cicle would taste about now." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 170 You thought the rabbit looked familiar. The only white rabbit you know with a weakness for carrot-cicles is the Easter Bunny. (You ran into him a few years back at the annual Holiday Traditions convention in Pasadena.) As he nibbles the carrot, you stroll along talking shop, how tough it is to find a place to vacation where you won't be hounded by autograph seekers and the like. At last you shake hands (paws?) to go your separate ways. Just before turning away, the rabbit hands you a partly eaten pizza. "Here, I couldn't finish all this myself, especially after that carrot-cicle." Then you notice that you have wandered back out of the jungle and are standing next to your sleigh. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 171 It takes some effort, but you finally open a small hole in the cold ground. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 172 The ground is just frozen too solid to dig without using some tool. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 173 The rolling of the ship is starting to get to you. Your round little belly is starting to feel like a bowl full of very, very sour jelly. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 174 Too late! The constant rolling of the ship is too much for your North Pole digestive system and you lose your Christmas Cookies all over everything. You manage to borrow an old piece of sailcloth to wear after throwing your ruined costume overboard, and work your way back North over the next three months working your passage on a series of barges, scows and ice breakers. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 175 As you start down the companion way, the first mate diverts his attention from the tobacco tin long enough to grab the scruff of your neck and throw you back to the stern. He sure got up on the wrong side of the hammock this morning. Maybe he needs something to open that tobacco tin with. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 176 The mate gladly takes the can opener and wanders away opening the tin. You hope you're not down wind when he starts chewing the stuff. Just the thought of it makes your impending mal de mer even worse. You notice that he dropped his badge so you pick it up. Who knows when you may run into some Bunco? END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 177 You try to get into the sleigh, but it is stowed securely and you cannot. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 178 You tug on the plug. You hmph and you ugh and you pull on the plug. You grunt and you shrug and tug on the plug. (I grew up on Doctor Seuss, you know.) Finally it pops out. Sea water gushes in, knocking you and the cargo against the bulkheads and up to the hatches. The force snaps the battens and you and the flotsam and jetsam wash over the gunwales and float out to sea. (I love talking nautical, too.) Eventually, you and the sleigh wash up on a beach. As you free the sleigh from the remains of its stowage gear, you hear the familiar sound of sleigh bells as the team flies into view with Dudley straddling the off lead. "Followed you from Shanghai, boss, but couldn't figure a way to land on the deck of the ship", he says as he rehitches the team. "Well," you ask, what happens here?" (Gee I don't know, let me check my notes. Just a minute. Hm, I know I had that scene written down somewhere. Oh, well, just wing it this time, OK?) END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 179 The tobacco label is in Chinese, and has the usual Confucious General warning that chewing tobacco leads to tooth loss, gum cancer and slippery floors. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 180 Even with your vast knowledge of Freudian psychology, body language and phrenology, you are unable to read the $NOUN$. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 181 Without warning the tree starts to shake and you lose your footing. As you slip farther down below the sleigh, you hear a fierce growling below and look down just in time to see a Tasmanian Devil grabbing at the fur trim on your ankles. "He does look just like in the cartoons", you catch yourself thinking. Then the beast starts pulling violently and you just manage to grab the branch before your feet are pulled out from under you. A desperate tug-o-war ensues with the tree bending lower and lower and objects raining down on you from the sleigh overhead as the determined marsupial gains ground. Above you, you hear Dudley trying to yell down some magical verse. You recognize it as the one that transports creatures far away. Just as your toes scrape the dirt, the beast releases his grip on your legging and opens his jaws wide to snap at shin. But as soon as he lets go, the tree whips violently upward, flinging you and the sleigh into the night air. Unfortunately, you fly right in the line of fire of the elf's just-completed incantation and feel your body whisked magically through the ether toward the NorthWest. In a twinkling, you flop to the ground on a cold, frozen wilderness. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 182 GREENWICH = #VAR1#, LOCAL = #VAR2#, OFFSET = #VAR3#, DISPLAY GMT = #VAR4# LONGITUDE = #VAR5#, LAT = #VAR6#, LANDING SITE = #VAR7#, DIRECTION = #VAR8# GREENWICH JUMP = #VAR15#, MINUTES = #CTR1# LAST ROOM = #VAR16# "SCORE" =#VAR9#, TRIPS = #VAR17#, ROOMS LEFT = #VAR19#, VISITED = #VAR18# END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 183 Jumping out of the sleigh, you take a deep breath of the balmy tropical night air. You are so intent on getting to your work that you pay no attention to the odd smell of sulphur in the air. Soon you have made your deliveries to all the homes in the little villages in the area. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 184 As you turn to climb into the sleigh, you notice an odd smell like burning boot leather. Looking down, you see a small glowing rivulet flowing under the sleigh and your boots, heading toward the resting reindeer. "Odd," you think to yourself. By this time, Dudley has noticed your hesitation and, looking over the side of the sleigh says, "Oh, looks like old Mt. Lopevi is erupting again. It hasn't done that since '82. You know, I wouldn't stand in that lava if I were you. Might get hot." You leap into the sleigh just as your brain registers the first sensation of the hot-foot." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 185 Too late! When the trickle of lava reaches the reindeer, they bolt straight for home to douse their hot hoofs in the familiar banks of snow. You and Dudley are thrown clear as the sled rockets away and spend the rest of the year carving a dugout canoe and paddling back home. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 186 As you settle back to enjoy the warm tropical air, Dudley says, "Hey look, a little cloud ahead." Just as you look up, you are engulfed by a short, but torrential tropical storm. Dudley manages to throw the top up on the sleigh in time to protect the two of you, but the team gets a soaking. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 187 As you land, the elf reminds you that he'll need to take the team back to the pole for a rub-down while you take care of business, so you agree to meet in central Russia in an hour. Dudley quickly unhitches the reindeer even as the water starts to freeze and crackle on their backs. Hitching the surfboard up to the team's rigging, he yelps in a poor imitation of John Wayne, and spurs the team off into the frigid night air, looking a little like the Silver Surfer. Only then does it occur to you to wonder how you will move the sleigh without the reindeer. You take your pack out of the sleigh and make your rounds as Grandfather Frost. Luckily, you come across an abandoned Troika rig (a side-by-side three horse harness) which you are able to hitch to the front of the sleigh. After you finish your work, you look around for some horses. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 188 You reach into the bucket with your mittened hand and scoop up some of the grain. Unfortunately, you forget your hay fever, and the grain dust triggers a sneeze that blows the entire bucketful into the air. The ensuing fit of sneezing and coughing wakes up the entire household which leads to a round of police enquiries, interviews, local appearances, articles in the National Enquirski, and finally your own weekly 1/2 hour spot on local TV. Luckily it cancels after only one season and you head back home to the North Pole. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 189 Just as you start to get out of the sleigh, it heaves over to one side, throwing you unceremoniously onto the very wet sand. Looking under the sleigh, you see that the runners are completely torn away. That rain squall must have left the beach so wet that they sank in when you touched down. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 190 Just as you start to get out of the sleigh, it heaves over to one side, throwing you unceremoniously onto the wet sand. Looking under the sleigh, you see that the runners are completely torn away. Looking back, you see traces of lava along your landing trail. The runners must have been encrusted with lava and torn off when you touched down. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 191 To your dismay, the cane toads continue their assault on your sleigh. The runners are starting to buckle under the weight of the fat, lumpy amphibians. It looks like the attack of the killer cow pies. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 192 Luckily, your ruse works. The coconut bounces through the herd of toads and rolls on down the road. The ever amorous toads set out in hot pursuit. (These things are known to make "passes" at anything that moves and quite a few that don't.) With that threat out of the way, you make your rounds as Santa and Father Christmas. There is no sign of the toads when you return to the sleigh. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 193 Too late! The runners snap under the weight of the clambering toads and the sleigh tips over, spilling its content into the field. You spend the remainder of the night in a valiant fight to save the children's toys from the amorous advances of the amphibians. "How will I ever explain this one to Mrs Clause?" END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 194 No matter which way you turn, the ankle-deep toads make it impossible to move. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 195 Using the heel of one of your boots and the old chisel, you manage to chip the lava off the sleigh's runners, then return the chisel to where you found it. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 196 You open up blade after blade. There are knife blades, spoons, screwdrivers, pickle peeler, can opener, tooth pick, etc. After looking them over, you close the knife back up. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 197 You trade the $NOUN$ for the $OBJECT$ END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 198 "Come, on," the clerk says, "You gotta trade something you got for what I got." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 199 "Look buster," the clerk growls, "I didn't keep this store open all night for you to just waltz in and take stuff. Either trade or make tracks." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 200 "Hey," the clerk pipes up, "This ain't no garbage dump, you know!" END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 201 "Hi, and welcome to Trader Joe's. I'm Trader Jim. I traded Joe for this shift. We got a midnight madness special on right now. We'll give you a straight trade on anything we got starting with an `R'." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 202 The scarecrow puts his finger to the side of his forehead and blurts out, "The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 203 The cowardly lion wrings his tail nervously and whimpers, "I don't have the nerve to tell scarecrow and tin woodsman that they have it wrong. The sum of the squares of any two sides of an equilateral triangle is equal to the square of the remaining side." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 204 The tin woodsman shakes his head and says softly, "I don't have the heart to tell them that they are wrong. The sum of the squares of the two sides of a right triangle is equal to the square of the hypotenuse." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 205 The palace guard shakes his head and says firmly, "No one may enter while the Wizard is pondering important questions, not no one, not no how. He must determine which of his advisors, the scarecrow, lion or woodsman is correct." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 206 "Talk to each of them before you bother me again." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 207 The guard pulls his head back and the massive door swings slowly open. You walk tentatively down the great art deco hallway and into the throne room. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 208 A snicker catches your attention. Turning around, you see a skinny boy dressed all in green -- green loafers, green slacks, green plaid shirt, green pocket protector, green horn-rimmed glasses. He shakes his green slide rule at you and says, "You got it wrong mister. You shoulda studied your geometry." and he shuffles away snickering and snorting. You take his advice to heart and sign up for night classes at a local school, switch to dental assisting in mid semester, graduate with honors, get a job in the exciting world of dental hygiene and spend the rest of your life looking down in the mouth. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 209 "The only way back is to wear the ruby slippers and say, `There's no place like home (or wherever you want to go).' I thought everyone had seen that movie by now. I hope you brought your ruby slippers." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 210 You try cramming your feet into the small slippers, but they won't go. Behind you, Dudley pipes up with a very bad Ed Sullivan impersonation, "Looks like we have a really big shew tonight." Looking down you notice that you have forgotten to take off your boots. You suppress a sheepish grin and try again with the boots off, ignoring the elf's remarks about how dainty his feet are compared to yours. Ewe ram (I told you it was a sheepish grin) your feet into the elf-sized slippers. Suddenly there is a blare of trumpets, prince charming comes striding up and takes you in his arms and carries you away to his palace while your wicked stepmother looks on in disgust and you live happily ever after. Dudley shakes his head and walks over to the slack-jawed Wizard. "This happens every time he mixes his magic. He'll be alright after he sleeps it off. Can you call me a cab?" As the scene fades out, we hear the Wizard say, "You're a cab." ->POOF!<- END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 211 "Oh, why not," you think as you hand the slippers to the elf. Amazingly, he is able to slip them right on, a perfect fit. "My uncle was a leprechaun," he blurts out, "I know my shoes." For some reason this evokes a "HO HO HO" from you. (Maybe it has something to do with, "he who laughs last - get it? A shoemaker's last? You know, the form they make shoes on? Oh. Never mind.) Anyway, Dudley brightens up and says, "Watch this boss." He clicks his heels together and says (in a very bad Judy Garland impersonation), "There's HO place like NOME." Instantly, the throne room vanishes and you find yourself, elf, sleigh and all on a bleak, windswept plane. You look at the elf and say, "Nome, right?" He nods, "Nome." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 212 "Oh, you didn't. Hm, this could present a problem. Look, next time, make sure you bring your slippers, OK? This time, I'll let you off easy. I got a balloon out back that is ready to go except I'm out of Hydrogen. I could generate enough to get you out of here if I could get my hands on some Sodium Chloride. You did bring some Sodium Chloride, didn't you? END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 213 Luckily, you remember enough high school chemistry to know that the salt lick is NaCl, Sodium Chloride. The wizard takes it and puts it into a convenient electrolysis cell. With the salt making the water conductive, the direct current breaks the water molecules down and evolves Oxygen and Hydrogen gases, which the Wizard collects to fill his carnival balloon. After much ceremony and other ado, he sends you off. Just as you clear the tallest spires of the Emerald City, Dudley taps you on the shoulder and points to the West. Wicked witch at 2 o'clock! A desperate dog fight ensues, with Dudley doing his best bad Snoopy-as-the-World-War-I-flying-ace impersonation, but the extremely limited maneuverability of a Hydrogen-filled carnival balloon quickly betrays you. You wince as the witch cackles, "... and your little dog too!" and hurls a magic fireball. The concussion from the Hydrogen explosion is deafening. When the air clears you find yourself, elf, sleigh and all on a bleak windswept plane. "Never can tell what'll happen when you mix magic," you offer to Dudley, He looks up at you and asks, "Do I really look like a little dog?" END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 214 "You forgot your ruby slippers, you forgot your Sodium Chloride. Honestly, you'd forget your head if it weren't attached. Look, I'm a busy man, come back when you get your act together." The guard appears at your side and ushers you unceremoniously back outside. You eventually get a job as a short order cook in a caf‚ in Munchkin land. (A little humor there. Get it? Munchkins? Short? Little? Boy, tough audience today.) END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 215 Looking at the ruby slipper, you decide that it clashes with the cardinal red of your snow suit. Maybe against a darker background, dark green or emerald. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 216 Wouldn't you know it. You turn around and find yourself face to face with a TWISTER. As you and Dudley are sucked up into the giant funnel, you hear the elf call out, "Auntie Em, Auntie Em." Strange, you always thought his aunt's name was Merryweather. Your train of thought is cut short as you are suddenly dropped into the central square of a very, very green city. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 217 Dudley remains very silent and sheepish while you make your delivery rounds in the frozen North. Finally, as you get back into the sleigh he offers, "Hey, boss, I think we need an easy stop after that last couple of disasters - er - adventures. How about South to Hawaii next?" At this point you see no reason to object, so you prepare to whistle the team. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 218 When you push the button, a small message panel starts flashing, "EMERGENCY RECALL". As the air around you starts to shimmer and sparkle, you throw the communicator as far away as you can. It does no good, for the dim red dust and rocks disappear from sight and are replaced by the antiseptic greys and silvers of some sort of high-tech equipment. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 219 "I'm not really a `con' artist. I just paint pictures of things that sound like `con'. I lost my job on Sesame street because I don't know how to spell, but I paint real good. I've been searching the world for one of my pictures." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 220 He thanks you profusely and hands you a computer disk and ten dollars to handle postage and shipping. You forward this to the programmer to register your copy of this game and. . . .Oh, sorry, a commercial seems to have slipped into the script. Sorry. It won't happen again. For ten dollars I can positively guarantee that it doesn't happen again. Oh, sorry again. Carry on. "Wish I could find a way to reprogram this game," you mutter as you look at the disk. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 221 As you get out onto the rooftop, Dudley pipes up, "Why don't you lend me your pocket knife so I can work on the sleigh's runners while you're making your rounds." It makes sense to you (and will keep the bumbling elf off your back while you make the toy deliveries) so you lend him the knife and he sets to work. Looks like this should be an uneventful stop. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 222 You take one step and the world falls out from under you! Looking up you see the Santa-shaped hole in the thatched roof and a few shreds of reeds and fronds slowly drifting down. Dudley's face appears briefly in the opening, silhouetted against the tropical moon then disappears with a suppressed snicker. You get up, and dust yourself off. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 223 Dudley looks up and says, "Oh sure, here you go," and gives you a hand up into the sleigh. Getting in after you, he hands you the knife and says, "Looks like that ought to hold 'em for a little longer," pointing down toward the runners. "I whittled us some new runners out of an old surfboard and a few odds and ends. By the way, did you enjoy your trip? (Snicker, snicker.)" END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 224 You toss the soup bone over the fence. There is a rustling noise like a large animal moving about, then silence. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 225 You take a running leap at the fence and manage to clear it on the first try. As you drop to the ground on the other side, you feel your feet hit something wet and slippery. Looking down you see that your left foot is in a dog's water dish and your right is in a food dish. Immediately ahead is a very large dog with food splattered all over his face. - - A graphic description of what ensued would only take unnecessary computer memory. Suffice it to say you end up heading back home to replace your shredded suit and apply antiseptic in several rather delicate places. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 226 Good shot. The coconut misses completely. The monster, however turns to find the source of the missile and the glowing yellow eyes come to rest squarely on you. There is a moment of hesitation, then the great scaly shoulders twitch slightly. Again they twitch, and again. Slowly, the lizard succumbs to a case of the giggles. Again, he looks down at you and breaks into uproarious laughter. Finally, he collapses completely, rolling around amid exploding power plants and sparking electric lines, laughing uncontrollably. Abruptly, he rolls off into the harbor, sending a massive wall of water rushing toward you and your sleigh. It is all you can do to grab at the surf board just as the Tsunami crashes over you. Luckily for you, you surf your way onto the beaches of Hawaii for Christmas every year, so it is no sweat for you to ride the curl on and on across the Pacific. Finally, you see land ahead. Unfortunately, the force of the wave is so great that you shoot right over the beach and continue inland mile after mile. Finally, the wave breaks and throws you down onto a city sidewalk in front of a very ornate theater building. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 227 Just as it looks like there will be no one to save the city from the rampaging monster, you notice the crowd starting to jabber even more excitedly and point to the sky. Looking up, you notice some kind of caped figure flying across the sky. "Superman?" you wonder. "Naw, couldn't be. Mike could never afford the royalties to include him in this game." Just then, one of the bystanders taps you on the shoulder and points to the bottom of the screen. Looking down, you see that the subtitles show that the crowd is saying, "Rook, up in the sky. It's a bird! It's a prane. No, it's Fred, the Wonder Rrama." (Subtitles with a bad accent? Will I stoop to any joke?) END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 228 Anyway, to make a long story short and save disk space, Fred the Wonder Llama, swoops down, rescues you and carries you off to the mountains of Peru where he gives you a secret communicator ring and, with his immortal trademark cry, "Up, up, ol‚!", he flies back off to deal with Godzilla. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 229 Just as you start to enter the sleigh, a monstrous, scaly foot crashes down on the sleigh, reducing it to a pile of splinters and twisted metal. You look up at the snarling face as it rears back to through a mighty shaft of fire and steam from the gaping jaws. "Naughty, Godzilla," you call out sternly, "No presents for you this year." With that, the monster stops dead in its tracks, hovers for a moment, then starts bawling uncontrollably. After a few minutes of this, you relent and let him sit on your knee for a while, asking him if he's been a good boy (you are SO forgiving) and finally giving him a candy cane and sending him off, back to the sea to tell his mommy all about it. You then have Dudley fly you and the team back to the North Pole where it takes six months of therapy to get your knee working again. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 230 You pour the tea over the runners and gravel forming a slick runway. A few trial shoves on the sleigh show that it is now able to slide freely. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 231 You whistle and the team bears down, but the sleigh refuses to budge. Looking down, you see that the runners are unable to slide through the rough ground. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 232 Again and again you whistle, until, with one final effort, the reindeer snap the harness free from the sleigh and fly off into the night. You avert your eyes from Dudley's disapproving glare. The YAK BUTTER tea churns in your stomach. This looks like a Male Ox moment. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 233 The sleigh's runners are scarred from the landing in the rough gravel. You tug at them, but cannot make the sleigh slide over the rough surface. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 234 Just as you are about to whistle, the elf pipes up, "Wait a second, boss, I think I left my mittens back in one of those caves when I was taking a . . . , well, anyway, we better go back get 'em before we take off." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 235 Just as you bend over to pick up the mittens, you notice a movement in the back of the cave. Looking up, you see a huge, shaggy figure lumber into the light. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 236 Just as you step out of the sleigh, the Yeti grabs you and rips your snow suit right off your back. Wrapping itself in the torn remnants, the Yeti lumbers off, warm at last for the first time in years. Of course, this leaves you very cold and slightly embarrassed as Dudley starts snickering at the sight of your candy cane patterned boxer shorts. It is at this point that you pull the suit off the elf and force your pudgy limbs into his undersized garments. As we depart this scene we see a chubby, white bearded man in a woefully undersized brown and green suit and a blue skinned elf and eight reindeer packing a dismantled sleigh Northward toward home and a lot of explaining to Mrs. Clause. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 237 As you get out onto the rooftop, Dudley pipes up, "I notice that you don't have your pocket knife anymore, boss. Tell you what, after I get through working on the sleigh's runners, I'll let you borrow mine. See you after you make your rounds." Makes sense to you (and it'll keep the bumbling elf off your back while you deliver the toys.) Looks like this should be an uneventful stop. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 238 You sit down on the couch, but find that it is too hard for your liking. Getting up, you check it out and discover that it is a convertible couch. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 239 You open up the couch into a bed. The noise of the springs and hinges creaking into place doesn't rouse the sleeping family, but a small animal runs out from behind the couch and starts scampering around your feet. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 240 The barking of the dog is starting to wake the family. You only have seconds to make your escape. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 241 You manage to pry open the window. Luckily, there is no alarm on it. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 242 You jump for the closed window. Luckily, The programmer forgot to finish this scene, so you won't have to break out the industrial strength band aides. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 243 You jump out the window into the night air. After a Guineas-Book-of-World- Records-class 69 story dive, you plunge into the harbor. A short 6,000 mile swim gets you back home, just in time for breakfast - the following August. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 244 Too late. The noise wakes up the entire family and you are discovered. Now YOU have to put together all the bicycles and wagons and figure out the instructions on the stereos yourself instead of leaving them in the boxes. Naturally, this takes you all the rest of the night and most of the following day so your Christmas run is over for this year. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 245 You carefully open the ticking canister with the can opener blade of you knife. Just as you finish the cut around the canister's lid, it pops open on its own and out jumps a man in a tan suit carrying a microphone. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 246 "Hi. John Cameron Swazey here for Timex watches. It takes a licking and keeps on ticking." With that, he awards you the watch he had been carrying during the torture test, gathers his camera crew and departs. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 247 It would help to say what you want to $VERB$ the $NOUN$ with. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 248 ÖÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ º°°°°°°°°°°°°°³ º°ÕÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ»°³ º°³ LOCAL º°³ º°³ #VAR2#:0#CTR1# º°³ | OK, so it's a DIGITAL watch. YOU try to draw º°³ º°³ | a working watch DIAL on a text screen. º°³GREENWICHº°³ º°³ #VAR4#:0#CTR1# º°³ º°ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄĽ°³ º°°°°°°°°°°°°°³ ÈÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ; END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 249 ÖÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ º°°°°°°°°°°°°°³ º°ÕÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ»°³ º°³ LOCAL º°³ º°³ #VAR2#:0#CTR1# º°³ | OK, so it's a DIGITAL watch. YOU try to draw º°³ º°³ | a working watch DIAL on a text screen. º°³GREENWICHº°³ º°³ #VAR4#:0#CTR1# º°³ º°ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄĽ°³ º°°°°°°°°°°°°°³ ÈÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ; END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 250 Trying to $VERB$ the $NOUN$ with the $OBJECT$ is just plain silly. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 251 Grasping the rope in your teeth, you lower the bucket into the well. As it nears the bottom, you seem to feel a gentle tugging on the other end. As you pull the rope back up, there is shimmer of bright metal in the bucket. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 252 Every time you pull on the rope the bucket raises as far as the edge of the well, then snags. With only your teeth to pull the rope, you are unable to retrieve the bucket. You stop to ponder your predicament. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 253 You give a quick tug on the rope and then snap at the coins in the bottom of the bucket just before it falls back down into the darkness of the well. At least you were able to catch a few of the coins in your mouth. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 254 You grasp the rope in your teeth (remember, you are a camel) and tug gently. It seems sturdy enough (tastes terrible, though.) END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 255 You do your best to voice the wish to get out of your predicament, but all you utter is a mix of camelish grunts, bleats and spit, mixed with the tinkling of the coins in your mouth. The tinkling, however, doesn't seem to die out after you fall silent. You notice a golden, wispy glow seeping out your lips and nostrils and slowly wrapping around your snout. An involuntary sneeze blasts a cloud of shimmering golden haze everywhere. As it dissipates, you notice that you are your old self again. You take the coins out of your mouth and put them into your pocket. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 256 You do your best to voice the wish to get out of your predicament, but all you utter is a mix of camelish grunts, bleats and spit. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 257 Your big pillowish feet are great for walking on desert sand, but abominable for picking up small objects. You cannot get a hold on the $NOUN$. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 258 Rolling back your lips, you manage to nip the $NOUN$ gingerly in your teeth. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 259 You let go of the rope, and the bucket and all slip back down into the well. The sound of the splash wakes up a nearby band of camped nomads, and, thinking they are under attack by bandits, they quickly saddle all available camels and charge off into the dessert. On you go until the first rays of morning break the spell and you return to normal, much to the amazement of your rider. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 260 You look around the beautifully worked mantel and fireplace, admiring the workmanship. Just for professional curiosity, you take a peek up the chimney, being careful not to disturb the glowing Christmas fire. Suddenly your nostrils twitch at the onslaught of a familiar, acrid smell. It takes your mind but a moment to register it's significance, but even before then, your instincts make you pull back and jump off the hearth. Sure enough, a gnarled, hairy goblin face pops into view at the top of the fire box, then disappears with a wicked cackle and is replaced by an even fouler smelling, noxious stream tinkling down on the fire. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 261 You barely have time to grab the $ADJECTIVE$ $NOUN$ before the goblin comes tumbling down the chimney and somersaults into the room with you. It rears back its misshapen head and starts spitting in your direction. Unable to dodge the filthy onslaught, and no longer able to see through the wet air, you heave the $NOUN$ wildly in the direction of the demonic laughter. There is a blood-curdling scream and the room fills with a rush of water. You flail frantically against the current until you bob like a cork to the surface. Looking around, you find yourself in a moonlight canal with the sounds of Italian carols mixed with "O Sole Mio" drifting through the night. There is a dock to the South. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 262 You stand there like a bump on a Yule Log not realizing that you have one of the traditional magical items to defeat the goblin right in your grasp. Just as you start to walk toward the door, the goblin comes tumbling down the chimney and somersaults into the room with you. It rears back its misshapen head and starts spitting in your direction. Unable to dodge the filthy onslaught, and no longer able to see through the wet air, you stumble out the door and into the street and flee the besieged house in disgrace. Your suit is a filthy mess so you have no choice but to bury it in a little woods just outside town and walk back to the North Pole in your long johns. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 263 You look frantically around for some of the traditional magical items to defeat the goblin before it does its worst, but there are none to be had. Just as you spin back around, the goblin comes tumbling down the chimney and somersaults into the room with you. It rears back its misshapen head and starts spitting in your direction. Unable to dodge the filthy onslaught, and no longer able to see through the wet air, you stumble out the door and into the street and flee the besieged house in disgrace. Your suit is a filthy mess so you have no choice but to bury it in a little woods just outside town and walk back to the North Pole in your long johns. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 264 You gulp down the bowl of Kollyva. Hm, nice and filling, very filling . . . TOO filling. You feel terrible. You feel sea sick. Of, course, now you remember, The Greek sailors pour the Kollyva on troubled waters to calm them. Little comfort to you as you run to the nearest dock to cast your Christmas cookies upon the calm waters. Better luck next year. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 265 You consider for a moment, then decide to hang onto the Kollyva till later. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 266 You are drenched from the dip in the canal. Looking around to see if you are alone, you take off your soggy clothes and hang them over the back of a chair. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 267 Just then, you hear a noise and turn around to see a WOMAN come down the chimney. She proceeds to start distributing Christmas presents. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 268 "Well, hello dear, I didn't expect to see you working this side of the street. Doing a little off-season sun bathing?" END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 269 "Silly old fool. You put those clothes on before they're dry, and you'll catch a cold that'll last till Spring. Let me finish up here and I'll send you off to your next stop. Bye, bye." With that, you suddenly find yourself whisked up into the cold night air and hurled NorthWest toward the snowfields of Switzerland. Then it hits you where you've heard that voice before. It's Mrs. Clause, handling the activities in countries where they expect a woman to deliver presents. (You never ran across her before because you never had your route this fouled up before.) Suddenly something else hits you -- a snowbank. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 270 A chill at the base of your spine informs you that you are sitting in a snowbank, in only your birthday suit and it isn't even your birthday. You jump up to brush off the frigid snow when you hear a distant, very familiar voice saying, "Here, dear, your clothes are dry," and your suit magically appears about you, all dry and snug. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 271 Oh, oh. A sudden sneezing fit tells you that you took one dip too many. You know the feel of a cold coming on and when you get a cold it lasts till Spring. "Oh, bother," you mutter, as you climb out of the canal and slosh off to find an all-night drug store. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 272 "Don't put those wet things back on, you old fool. You'll just catch cold. Besides, I kind of like looking at your rosy little cheeks." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 273 "Well, hello again dear. You look much better with your suit dry." You always liked Switzerland, where Mrs. Clause would show up so the people could be visited by Father Christmas and his wife, Lucy. You go about your rounds distributing presents and making sure that the children are all safely snuggled into their beds. You, of course, take the opportunity to tell Lucy about the night you've been having, fully expecting a generous helping of sympathy. "Well, it's your own fault, you old coot, making your rounds with that little ding-dong, Dudley. Without the sleigh, you'll have a terrible time trying to get around. Here, take these skis. I'll head back to the shop and pick up a new pair for little Hanz." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 274 "Don't wear them on these cobblestones. Get up to the mountains first." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 275 You climb up to a likely looking shelf overlooking a steep Westerly slope and strap on the skis. As you finish, you hear Mrs. Clause call a good bye as she heads back home. You turn to wave, but the pivot kicks the lip of snow out from under you and you shoot off down the slope backwards. Needless to say, this doesn't continue for long before you slam full force into a very un-soft tree trunk. When you come to, you are buried up to your neck in the snow. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 276 You yell for help at the top of your lungs. You are immediately answered by a new fall of snow off the nearby trees and rocks. As you shake the snow off your head, you notice a massive figure loping slowly toward you. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 277 You take a swig of the cask's contents. Not bad, you conclude. Slowly, the warmth comes back to your limbs. Unfortunately, the clarity just as quickly leaves your head and you slip into a deep sleep. You wake up the next Spring with VERY bad case of morning breath. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 278 "Well, not very many people know that animals can talk on Christmas around this area. Would you like to hear my Yodelling? Huh, would ya?" END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 279 The dog clears its throat, does a few quick scales and warm up exercises, then launches into the opening number from THE SOUND OF MUSIC. He gets no further than, "The hills are alive ... " when there is a deep rumble and the entire hillside starts to crack and slide out from under you. Once again you start tumbling head over heels down the slope. From uphill, you hear the dog asking, "Would you like to hear some SWEENEY TODD?" On and on you tumble until you come to rest at the base of the mountain miles from your canine Carusso. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 280 "Critic," snorts the dog who then lifts a leg and writes his opinion of your musical preferences in the snow around your head before shuffling off in search of more appreciative audiences. As you wait for the Spring thaw, you keep reminding yourself, "Never eat yellow snow." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 281 You drag the boat over to the waves and push it in. It is immediately smashed by the next wave. You are immediately drenched by the following. That is COLD! It's back to the farm house for to dry your clothes for next year. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 282 You get into the boat to check it out. It seems seaworthy so you get back out. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 283 You drag the boat down the beach and push it out onto the placid water. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 284 You carefully climb into the boat and start rowing for England. It seems like no time at all. Actually, after passing through that time vortex in Nicobar, you have not been able to get a grip on what time it is. Then it occurs to you that you might be able to get out of this mess if you could make your way to the Royal Observatory in Greenwich England and reset your time. You alter your course to West by NorthWest toward London's Greenwich district. Soon, you have docked the boat and made your way through the foggy streets until Father Christmas stands in front of The Greenwich Observatory. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 285 You pour the kollyva in the water. Like magic (what else?) the wind stops and the water calms. Saint Nicholas isn't the patron saint of Sailors for nothing. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 286 You pick up the pie and take a small bite. "That's enough liver for this year," you decide and put the pie back down. You prefer mince pie anyway. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 287 You reset your $NOUN$ to coincide with Greenwich standard time (allowing for the 1-« minutes offset because the Royal Observatory is no longer on the Prime Meridian.) "About time you got here," a squeaky voice pipes up from behind you. Turning around, you see Dudley standing beside the rig as if nothing were amiss. "I finished up the deliveries in Africa while you were struttin' through Europe. Oh, by the way, I'm sure Mrs. Clause can get the hippopotamus stains out of your spare suit." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 288 Now you feel really silly. You went to all the trouble to get to the Royal Observatory and forgot to bring a timepiece. You walk back to Big Ben and start thumbing for a ride. Luckily, Peter Pan stops by on his way back to Never-Never Land and gives you a lift as far as the North Pole. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 289 A crunching under you feet catches your attention. Looking down, you see the remains of your clock. "Oh, great. Now how do we keep track of time?" you think as you scoop up the pieces and throw them away. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 290 You knock on the impressive front door, but there is no answer. You jiggle the latch, but it does not turn. Finally you resign yourself to the fact that the Observatory is closed for the Holidays. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 291 You flip Dudley for the honor of being the Juul Nisse this year. You win the toss, so you mount the Yule Goat and prepare to make the rounds while Dudley heads off for other duties. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 292 You set the bowl down in the barn and hide around a corner to watch. Soon a small figure with white beard and red cap peers out from the hayloft, then scampers down to scoop up the porridge. As he gulps it down, you step out and shout, "Gotcha!" The little figure looks up. wipes the last of the porridge off his chin and says, "About time you got here, boss. I was about to set out to cover Scandinavia myself. I left the goat parked out back." Well, at least Dudley gets his costumes right. His Juul Nisse is as good as you'd ever done. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 293 You gulp down the porridge which, after all, had been left for the Juul Nisse, or barn elf. You then go out to the goat pen behind the barn to get your Julebrock, or Yule Goat, to make your Holidays rounds. To your dismay, it is nowhere to be found, so you are forced to cancel this trip and head home. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 294 You walk out to the barren coast, but can find no way across the frigid waters of the fjord. You return to the farm. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 295 The magistrate takes one look at the coin and immediately sentences you to be deported for passing counterfeit money. You are whisked down to the docks where your are put on the first available ship, a livestock ferry headed South. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 296 You let the cat out of the bag. You really ought to be better at keeping secrets, considering your line of work. You throw the bag in a recycling bin. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 297 In a voice only a little less intimidating than that which came from the burning bush, the magistrate demands that you show the evidence to him. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 298 The magistrate is not amused. He charges you with contempt of court, with only a fine, considering that it is Christmas Eve. Unfortunately, when you try to pay your fine with the gold coin, you again arrested and as a repeat offender, are sentenced to 10 days community service playing Santa at a local orphanage. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 299 You are about to walk away when you notice movement in the old bag. (No, I DON'T mean Mrs. Clause is here. Have a little respect!) END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 300 You are about to turn the corner when the meows from the cat catch your attention. She definitely seems to be hinting about something. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 301 You raise the $ADJECTIVE$ $NOUN$ to your lips, then change your mind. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 302 You try, but your hands are too cold and the $ADJECTIVE$ $NOUN$ objects. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 303 You city slicker, that $ADJECTIVE$ $NOUN$ is a MALE $ADJECTIVE$ $NOUN$. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 304 "Not now, dear," she protests. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 305 The bobby says not a word, but stands at bolt-upright attention. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 306 With the bobby thus distracted you decide to apply expediency to the situation. You "borrow" the bicycle and peddle down the lane toward the new location of the Royal Observatory . . . making a mental note to give the bobby a new bicycle as soon as you get your time straightened out. You finally arrive at your destination. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 307 Putting on your trusty ice skates, you head off to the South toward Belgium. Like a Dutch child on the way to school, you push along for several kilometers until you come to a low spot in the dike and you pull over. To your amazement. you find that you have already skated across the border, so you take off your skates and go about your rounds. Finally, you come to a school house lit up as if set for a midnight Christmas party. "Well, we better just get some presents set out for the party," you think as you go in. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 308 You've forgotten the pond back home at the North Pole? Oh, you remember the pond, you've just forgotten the ICE SKATES. Well, don't worry, the canal will thaw in about 4 more months, then you can swim back and get them. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 309 You give the cracked grind stone another big shove and it immediately shatters, raining half-ton pieces all over, including all over your favorite bunion. You start yelling what seem to be appropriate comments at the top of your lungs while streaks of purple and red blur your vision and the throbbing from your foot swells up and pounds through your ears. Black Peter comes in quickly, gives you a lump of coal, a sheaf of switches and admonishes you to be a good little boy and not use such language. He then whips out his Polaroid camera and takes several pictures which are the hit of the next elf party and the main reason that Dudley ends up working the next Christmas as a parking lot attendant at a Taco Bell in Pacoima. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 310 You pick up the rug and discover that there is a weak spot on the floor below. You also discover that the rug has fleas. You cram it back in a corner and look down at the floor trying your best not to scratch. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 311 You do your best, but are unable to budge the loose board without some kind of tool. You have the rest of the night to think about every possibility from crowbars to STONE AGE TOOLS before the door is unlocked in the morning. I will refrain from describing the scene when the school boys discover not the schoolmaster, but a very tired, flea-bitten Sinterklaas. Suffice it to say that several names will be given honorary life memberships in the "naughty" list when you got home. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 312 You pry at the board with the improvised wedge. At first it resists, then it really resists. Finally, it COMPLETELY resists, and the stone shard shatters into dust and grit. You stand up slowly, stretching the crick in your back, staring down at the pile of dust on the ground. A lump starts to form in your throat. You are tired, you itch, you have to go to the bathroom, and you're Sinterklaas. These things aren't supposed to happen to you. As you choke back the welling tears, you turn around and stomp the floor in frustration. Without warning, your foot goes straight through the floor as it comes down on the other end of the board which was completely unsupported all the time. You crash through the floor and into an underground storm drain and are swept out to sea. "I am NOT Indiana Jones!" you yell out to no one in particular as you grab onto several of the splintered floor boards and settle in to drift with the tide. "This wouldn't be happening if Dudley hadn't messed up time with that `light speed to Endor' remark," you muse. Then it hits you that you can fix all this if you get to Greenwich England to reset your time. Thus inspired, you start kicking Westward across the English Channel to London. After beaching and wringing out your wet outfit (at least the fleas gave up in the icy water), you wander on until your reach the Royal Observatory. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 313 You try your best to jump up and grab the ring, but it is too high. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 314 You try to reach the ring, but even on the Merry-go-round, you cannot make it. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 315 You grab on to the pole and lean out, but the ring is still out of your grasp. You then try standing up on the horse, but your boots slip on the glossy enamel paint of the saddle and you fall back down on your -- well, at least you missed the pommel. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 316 As the horse reaches the top of its arc, the chute swings into view. Holding onto the brass pole with your left hand, you reach out as far as you can with your right and manage to spear your finger directly through the brass ring. Since you still to this date have no memory of the events that followed, I will now explain them for your benefit. The short circuit that had originally blown that fuse had left the metal structure of the Merry-go-round electrically charged and the metal chute directly grounded. Only your inability to touch both at once had saved you from a nasty jolt--until you grabbed the brass ring. The shower of sparks was something to behold. Your reflex jerk threw the brass ring all the way back over to the sleigh (where Dudley found it and repaired the harness) and the voltage spike to the Merry-go-round motor completely fried the speed governor, causing the mechanism to spin forward at such speed that it first threw off all loose objects, then all passengers (guess who) and finally tore the entire mechanism apart in a shower of splinters and sparks that made the Death Star explosion look like a cherry bomb. That is how you found yourself leaning upside down against the sleigh just as Dudley finished fixing the harness. Now, back to our story. . . . (Oh, I think that Johny Cash tune was "Ring of Fire". END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 317 You find it hard to get the $NOUN$ into the fuse box with the cover closed. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 318 You find it hard to put the $NOUN$ into place with the dead fuse in the box. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 319 You carefully place the coin into the empty spot where the fuse belongs. Unfortunately, not carefully enough, though. You forgot to turn the power off first and the resulting shock blasts the hair completely off your head and you spend the rest of the year doing "Curly" in local Three Stooges revivals while saving up money for a hair transplant. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 320 As you close the cover, you hear the sound of the coin falling out of the fuse holder and down into the bottom of the box. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 321 As you open the cover, the coin falls out onto the ground. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 322 You pull down on the lever and the Merry-go-round glides to a stop. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 323 You pull the lever down into the OFF position, but nothing happens. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 324 You push up on the lever, causing the knife switch blades to make contact. The resulting spark flashes out of the box and sets your beard on fire. Several bad puns later you are home waiting for it to grow back out again. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 325 You push up on the switch and the Merry-go-round rouses itself into motion. The chase lights twinkle, the band box starts wheezing out an off-key version of some Johny Cash tune and the carriage starts turning to around. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 326 You reach in to $VERB$ the $NOUN$ back out of the fuse holder -- with the power still on. The resulting sparks flash out and set your beard on fire. Several bad puns later you are home waiting for it to grow back out again. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 327 You wander down the path, but find no trace of the Merry-go-round, so you head back to the sleigh. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 328 You push the lever up into the ON position, but nothing happens. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 329 The Merry-go-round horses are bobbing merrily (what else?) as the platform turns round and the music plays. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 330 Carefully, you climb back down. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 331 You carefully climb up. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 332 You need to take the fuse out before you can get at the coin. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 333 As you step into the sleigh, Dudley tugs at your sleeve. "Hey boss, I just remembered that I brought my watch along. You can use it to tell time for the rest of the trip." He hands you a small wrist watch. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 334 AGAIN, G - REPEAT LAST COMMAND ºRESTORE - RESTORE SAVED GAME BRIEF - GIVE SHORT ROOM DESCR. ºSAVE - SAVE GAME COMMANDS - SHOW THIS INFORMATION ºSCORE - SHOW SCORE HELP, H - HINTS (IF AVAILABLE) ºSCRIPT - SEND MESSAGES TO PRINTER INVENTORY, I- SHOW POSSESSIONS ºSHOUT - TOGGLES SOUND ON/OFF LIST EXITS - SHOW THE "ROOM'S" EXITS ºUNSCRIPT - STOP SENDING TO PRINTER LOOK, L - DESCRIBE "ROOM" ºVERBOSE - GIVE FULL DESCRIPTIONS QUIT, Q - END THE GAME º? - LIST OF KEY ASSIGNMENTS END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 335 "Bom Natal, Papa No‰l - Caterina 5." "How sweet of little Caterina," you think, as you recall leaving her the small box of crayons she asked for last year. You make sure you tuck a new 16- crayon box between her little shoes (mercy knows it wouldn't fit inside them.) END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 336 "If you don't mind, sir, I am quite busy. A good Christmas Eve to you" END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 337 "I would be most happy to talk with you sir, on this Christmas Eve, but I am working against a terrible deadline and my mind is as blank as my sketch pad." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 338 "Please, I have a deadline to meet. I must come up with an image of Santa Claus for the next edition and it is only minutes till press time." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 339 "I would be glad to evaluate your artwork at another instance, but at the present I am fully occupied with my own task." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 340 "That is it! THAT is the image I want. It seems somehow familiar. Wait. Of course, Dr. Moore's poem, `A Visit from St. Nicholas'. Good sir, I don't know how I can repay you, but at the moment I must start to work." With that he turns to his sketch pad and starts to pencil in a vision of Santa Claus with white-trimmed red fur suit, black boots, snow cap. . . . As his pencil fills the page, strange sounds start to fill the room. The glow of the gas lamps is replaced by the glare of fluorescent tubes, the click of typewriters is replaced by the hum of laser printers. You look down and see that you have become your "modern" self again. (With a magic wink of your eye, you change little Caterina's new crayons into a full 64 box complete with silver and gold crayons and a built-in sharpener.) END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 341 You step tentatively into the crowd. Disaster hits immediately as one skater and then another bumps into you and goes spinning out of control starting a chain-reaction that quickly turns the entire procession into a writhing mass of tangled limbs and tumbling torsos. Of course, this ends the game right here because I have been very careful up to this point to not make fun of any religious observances, but you had to go and spoil it all by ruining these nice young people's trip to church. I hope you're proud of yourself. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going off to pout a while. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 342 You push off gracefully, but when as the second foot hits the ground, you swing into a tight circle and splat into the doorway, loosening several of your favorite teeth and doing no good whatsoever for your little "nose like a cherry" (it'll be more like a tomato soon at this rate). Of course, you do not make it back to the sleigh in time and all your efforts so far tonight are wasted. When will you learn that you need TWO skates to get anywhere? END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 343 You shove off into the crowd, and somehow manage to keep up for several blocks. But by then, the friction of your steel blades against the pavement has started to throw off a steady stream of sparks. This, of course, completely wows the crowd and you are signed on the spot to star in the upcoming midterm High School talent show. Unfortunately, several days of rehearsal not only causes you to miss the rest of your Christmas run, it also wears the skates down to the bare sole plates and you are a miserable flop in the talent show. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 344 Just as you start your slide down the chimney, you remember the local custom in Chile is for Viejo Pascuero to bring the presents in through a window. The thought of what might be waiting for you in the fireplace causes you to lose your grip and you plummet the two stories straight to the hearth. Fortunately, it is summer in this hemisphere, so there has not been a fire in months. Unfortunately, the chimney has also not been cleaned since last fall and you explode into the sala in a cloud of soot and ash that completely coats all the furniture and decorations. Not one to shirk your responsibilities, you set about cleaning the mess. This takes the remainder of the night and that's it for this year. However, you did clean so thoroughly that you get a job as downstairs maid. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 345 You carefully open the front window and tiptoe about the house leaving little juguetes, mu¤ecas and other treats for the children. You repeat this routine as you go home to home, carefully closing each house's window as you leave. Finally, you end up back at your starting point. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 346 A wild idea strikes. Sure enough, you turn little Caterina's drawing over, and there on the back is a map of the very maze of tunnels in which you now find yourself. At first this seems like a very weird coincidence or something on the edge of eerie. Finally, you pass it off as the magic of a small child's imagination at Christmas. (Come on, all together. "Awww, how C-U-T-E.") You follow the map carefully, until, looking up, you see a large white rabbit. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 347 Well, this is what you get for not being prepared. A map or something to summon help with would have been VERY helpful. But did you bring them? N-O-O. Its back to Groundhogs day for you. We'll promote the Thanksgiving turkey to Santa Claus for next year. He's gotta be able to better than this. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 348 "I'm sorry, Mr. Llama is away from his desk. His assistant, Frieda Rabbit will be glad to handle your call. Keep eating those Krispy Krickets." A sudden `woosh-plop' noise behind you causes you to spin around. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 349 You thought the rabbit looked familiar. The only white rabbit you know with a weakness for carrot-cicles is the Easter Bunny. (You ran into him a few years back at the annual Holiday Traditions convention in Pasadena.) Unfortunately, the closest you have come to any carrots tonight was when you walked past the old carrot patch in your GARDEN at the NORTH POLE. (HINT, HINT!) You exchange a few more pleasantries with the white rabbit, then he hops away, mumbling something about being late for a very important date. "Well, I guess everybody is doing some moonlighting these days," you muse. You are left alone for quite a while until the next February 2nd, a very off-course ground hog digs into your tunnel while attempting to escape from his shadow, allowing you to get back out to the sleigh and fly home. END_COMMAND MESSAGE 350 Why would you want to $VERB$ the $NOUN$ again? It's already been done. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 351 The reindeer ignore you at first and continue to fawn (bad pun) over Chris Moose. Finally, one of them turns to you and snips, "Can't you see we're busy? This is the famous MOOSE. We've never seen any of his books, but he tells us he's an international star. He's even in foreign language editions." You resist the urge to point out to them that, being from the North Pole, EVERYTHING is a "foreign language edition'. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 352 You pull out the copy of Archie Comics and shove it under the reindeers' noses. They look at the MOOSE character in the book, then up to Chris Moose, then back to the book, then at Chris. . . . Suddenly, they throw their noses into the air and parade back to the sleigh with a snort. Dudley quickly re-harnesses them as Chris shrugs and saunters back into the woods to look for other potential adoring fans. "Everybody gets to be famoose for 15 minutes," you hear Dudley say as he finishes up the rigging. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 353 They are too busy to look at it right now. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 354 You leave the reindeer to their hero-worship and recruit a herd of porcupines to pull the sleigh in their stead. You manage to finish your rounds with few other problems except for a few points that you would rather forget after the swelling goes down and you can sit again. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 355 You give the order to fly and the reindeer leap to the air. That is, until they come face to face with the fiery balloons. The startled animals head off in all directions, spilling you and the sleigh over the hillside. You end up helping Juan Valdez pick coffee beans to earn your passage back home. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 356 You can't mail the coupon with the mail box lid closed. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 357 You drop the coupon in the express mail box and almost instantly a package arrives addressed to you. (Ain't magic grand?) Opening it you find your candy cane shaped squirt gun and a little bonus, a green bottle of some sort. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 358 Taking careful aim, you dowse the globos drifting overhead, causing them to deflate and flutter harmlessly down onto the bushes where they blend in with the other colorful holiday decorations. Then, you carefully clean up the squirt gun and leave it in little Juan Valdez Jr.'s stocking with a note telling him that you personally tested the gun to make sure it worked ok. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 359 "Hi, guy! So great to mingle with the little people. Have your people call my people, we'll do lunch. Stay cool. Don't take any buffalo nickels." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 360 You go back to the sleigh to pout a while. Once that is out of your system, you again walk over to the Moose and fan club to see what you can do. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 361 You start to take a shot, then decide it would be better to conserve the water. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 362 It might help to specify whom or what you wished to $VERB$, and with what. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 363 As I was going to St. Ives, I met a man with seven wives. Each wife had seven sacks. Each sack had seven cats. Each cat had seven kits. Kits, cats, sacks and wives, how many were going to ST. Ives? END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 364 The standard LP record is 12" in diameter. The outer edge has a 1/4" blank space, the label is 2" radius, and there is 1/2" between the label and the grooves. If the standard groove width is 0.01", how many grooves are there on the standard record? END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 365 Each cover of an encyclopedia is 1/4" thick and the pages in each volume are 2" thick. If a bookworm starts gnawing on page one of volume one and gets to the last page of volume three before being found, how many inches has she gnawed? END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 366 A fish weighs 2 pounds plus half of its weight. How many pounds does it weigh? END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 367 My uncle is twice as old as I will be when he is 20 years older than I am now. How old am I now? END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 368 -1- I was the only one going to ST. Ives. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 369 -2- There is only one groove on each side of the record. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 370 -3- The front cover of volume one is against the back cover of volume two, etc. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 371 -4- 2 pounds plus « of the fish's weight (« X 4 pounds) = 4 pounds. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 372 -5- My uncle is 20 now and will be 25 when I am 10. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 373 YES! RIGHT! CORRECT! EXACTLY! ABSOLUTELY! CERTAINLY! The answer is END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 374 NO! WRONG! INCORRECT! NEVER! NO WAY! WRONGO! BUMMER! The answer is END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 375 FLASH! We interrupt our regularly scheduled game to bring you this special quiz program. For your chance to win the vacation of a lifetime, just answer this simple question. The answer is a common household number you use every day. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 376 You win the fabulous vacation of a lifetime. An all-expense-paid trip to the NORTH POLE! Bye! Have fun! Be sure to write. Well, there goes Christmas for this year. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 377 Sorry, you lose. You'll just have to continue the regularly scheduled game. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 378 "Uh, Sorry, boss," Dudley pipes up, "union rules. We can't work any more without a one-hour break." A quick glance at the time shows you that this would be a disaster. You get back out of the sleigh to look for alternate transportation while Dudley unhitches the team and leads them away for a break. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 379 You introduce yourself to the turtles and wish them a Merry Christmas. They nod back politely and return to the conversation they were having about how things were different in the good old days. (Maybe those days weren't really all that GOOD, but as long as these things live, they certainly were OLD.) END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 380 Once again you approach the reminiscing tortoises. After re-introducing yourself, you explain the dilemma. "Well, of course we'll be glad to help, won't we boys?" croaks an old specimen in a polka dot mask. "Yep," chimes in another wearing a faded racing jersey. "This'll be more fun than beating the pants off that smart-aleck hare back in the Aesopian Olympiad of ought-six." (606 Bc, that is). With that, they lumber over to the empty traces and you hook them up as best you can. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 381 While the cow chews on the apple, you are able to slip the bucket under her udder and fill it with fresh hot milk. (A real good trick while wearing mittens.) Once you stand back up, the cow wanders away back toward home. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 382 You hand the now-cold pizza to the tortoises. They wolf it down and with a blinding burst of speed, woosh off into the night, leaving you to wait for the union reindeer to finish their break and return to work. You are looking forward to some hard bargaining when this contract comes up for renewal. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 383 You carefully apply the turtle wax to the shells of the tortoises. With their wind resistance gone, they woosh off into the night with a blinding burst of speed, leaving you to wait for the union reindeer to finish their break and return to work. You are looking forward to some hard bargaining when this contract comes up for renewal. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 384 You hand the now-cold pizza to the tortoises. DaVinci grabs it with a shout of "Cowabunga! I haven't seen any of this stuff since I was voted out of The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for being too old. We'll show them who's too old." He passes the pizza around to all his cohorts and after a second whistle, the sleigh leaps into the air. After several minutes of supersonic flight, you notice that the tortoises are again reminiscing about the good old days. Now it seems that the one in the aviator's cap and goggles is telling about how he used to barnstorm back after serving in the RAF. "Aw, you're just suffering from SHELL shock," snickers the one with a calf's head. "I am not," he counters. "You're just MOCKing me again. Here, watch this. This maneuver is known as `turning turtle'." With that, he starts a series of barrel rolls that flings you out of the sleigh and onto the sand dunes below. As you look up, you see the barrel-rolling team and sleigh vanishing to the NorthWest with Dudley and the now-rested reindeer in hot pursuit. "Great, now how do I catch up with them?" you wonder. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 385 You carefully apply the turtle wax to the shells of the tortoises. With their wind resistance gone, they woosh off into the night with a blinding burst of speed, and the sleigh leaps into the air. After several minutes of supersonic flight, you notice that the tortoises are again reminiscing about the good old days. Now it seems that the one in the aviator's cap and goggles is telling about how he used to barnstorm back after serving in the RAF. "Aw, you're just suffering from SHELL shock," snickers the one with a calf's head. "I am not," he counters. "You're just MOCKing me again. Here, watch this. This maneuver is known as `turning turtle'." With that, he starts a series of barrel rolls that flings you out of the sleigh and onto the sand dunes below. As you look up, you see the barrel-rolling team and sleigh vanishing to the NorthWest with Dudley and the now-rested reindeer in hot pursuit. "Great, now how do I catch up with them?" you wonder. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 386 They tortoises are too wrapped up in their reminiscences so they decline politely and return to the conversation they were having about how things were different in the good old days. They lead a SHELLtered life, you know. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 387 You tear off one of the leathery pieces and wolf it down. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 388 You carefully pour the gas into the boat's tank then stow the empty can. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 389 "Well, we're all ready, aren't we boys? Just give the word and we'll be off like a SHELL out of a cannon. Get it? `shell'? A little terrapin humor there." "Very little," you decide. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 390 You try to pour the gas into the boat's tank but the gas can is closed. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 391 You carefully $VERB$ the $NOUN$ to the $OBJECT$. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 392 You try, but the motor won't start. A look at the gas tank shows it's empty. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 393 You bend over and hit the starter. The boat roars to life and speeds out to sea, leaving you to collect seashells on the seashore until Dudley comes to rescue you the next morning. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 394 You bend over and hit the starter. The boat roars to life and speeds out to sea, yanking you along in its wake. With the closed parachute on your back, you bob and bounce along like a cork until the boat runs out of gas somewhere in the Pacific. You swim over to the boat and climb in and hand paddle toward the North and another attempt next year. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 395 You bend over and hit the starter. The boat roars to life and speeds out to sea, yanking you along in its wake. The breeze catches and fills the parachute before you can take a step and you are lifted gently into the night sky. Pulling on your drag lines, you are able to shift your position and steer the boat to some degree so you set off toward the NorthWest, the direction you last saw the sleigh heading. Unfortunately, the serenity of the ride starts to get to you after a while and you doze off, leaving the boat to fend for itself. You are jarred awake by a terrible grinding sound below. Looking down, you see that you have travelled in a massive arc and headed into the coast of Southern California at full speed. The poor boat is now scraping and lurching its way up the concrete lined channel known as the Los Angeles River. With one last valiant gasp, it comes to rest against a pile of accumulated trash and the tow rope snaps. The Santa Ana winds catch your parachute and carry you past the Warner Bros, Disney and Universal Studios, over the Santa Monica Mountains, past the Griffith Park Observatory and the Hollywood Bowl. Finally you start to descend toward a busy street in Hollywood. As you alight, you take off the parachute harness and look around. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 396 You open the pack and carefully lay the parachute out behind you on the beach. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 397 You carefully refold and repack the parachute. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 398 Hello, bubba. What's the haps? I love that get up. You know, I need a Santa type for a picture that's on the lot now. But guess what? My Santa gets an Equity card and goes legit. Now where am I going to find a Santa at this time of night, I ask you. Say, wait a minute - a flash! You already got the suit, your face might even pass (with a little makeup). What say? You want to earn a few quick bucks playing Santa? Think you can do it?" END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 399 "Great, walk this way." An old vaudeville joke runs briefly through your mind as you set off down the street toward the studio. Once there, wardrobe cleans the wet cement off your boots while makeup and costume do their best to make you look like yourself. Finally you find yourself in front of the camera on a low budget set. A glance at the clapper board shows that this is THE RETURN OF SANTA CLAUS RECONQUERS THE MARTIANS II THE SEQUEL. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 400 "Suit yourself," he shrugs as he heads away to search out new stars of the future. You turn to walk away yourself, but find that the cement has hardened around your boots and you are now a permanent fixture of the theater. At least you find that the pay is good and except for the pigeons, the working conditions aren't all that bad. Finally, after New Years day, they take you and all the other Christmas ornaments down and pack you away for the year in the back room of this tourist attraction theater in the Twilight Zone. Doo-DOO-doo-doo, doo-DOO-doo-doo. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 401 Just as you start to wander over to the script lady to ask if you have any lines, the AD calls for quiet and the director, in a completely overdone parody of the Hollywood glitz of the '30s yells out "OK, kids, lets make some Hollywood MAGIC!" The Kleig lights snap on, the fog machine starts pumping, the wind machine cranks into action and magic does start to happen. The set dims and changes color, looking more and more like a real Martian landscape. Wait a minute, this IS a real Martian landscape! "Now what did that director say? Oh yeah. `Hollywood MAGIC'! Well looks like magic has got me again." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 402 You push the button marked "transport" and the panel immediately comes to life. Power indicators start to rise, focus alignment grids condense, beam integrity lines pulse, then settle to a sharp track, and a shimmering blue and gold beam plays over the transporter platform briefly, then dissipates leaving a writhing, furry pile of tribbles. The little furballs are immediately up to their old tricks, reproducing, purring, making cute and looking for a good Samaritan to take them in. Almost immediately, they have wiggled their way to you and determinedly follow you everywhere, multiplying even as you walk. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 403 You plop the colony of tribbles down on the spreading pool of oil and they start to feed greedily.. Of course, that isn't all they do greedily, so the colony quickly spreads until it completely seals off the leak in the pipe, effectively stopping the flow. This in turn stops the reproduction of the tribbles, and an ecologically sound balance is achieved. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 404 As you look to the pipeline, you notice a large crack with oil pouring out. You try your best, but you are unable to stem the flow of oil and an ecological disaster ensues. This will not look good on your record. Maybe you should have brought along some species of animal or other that feeds on almost anything to eat up the spilled oil? Maybe they'll find something like that about 200 years in the future (hint, hint). END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 405 Without warning, the ground starts to shake beneath your feet. You spin around just in time to see the team bolt into the air and fly away to the North. Dudley is standing there with that all-too-familiar sheepish grin, "Well, gee, boss, I thought I might as well take the team over for a drink as long as we're here." Oh, great. A near face-full of geyser water would be enough to spook about any animal from the North Pole. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 406 You try to strike up a conversation with the $NOUN$, but soon realize that these are not particularly conversational animals. It also appears as if they want something that you have. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 407 You try to strike up a conversation with the $NOUN$, but soon realize that these are not particularly conversational animals. You soon realize that you have nothing in common and the herd departs. You decide to hang around until spring and see if Yogi Bear really does live here. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 408 You try to strike up a conversation with the $NOUN$, but soon realize that these are not particularly conversational animals. They, however are now completely at your disposal out of gratitude for the salt. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 409 You take off with a lurch. The new team is so enthusiastic and eager to show their gratitude, that they go all out. The sleigh rises swiftly toward the West and then starts a steep climb. Higher and higher you go then. . . , STALL-OUT! The sleigh goes into a slow speed pitching roll then into an uncontrollable tumble toward the ground. You are thrown clear and plummet toward the ground. Overhead, you see that Dudley has managed to get the sleigh back on a new course toward the North, but it is all he can do to keep the team on a level heading. Then you land with a splat. Slowly opening your eyes, you look down and see that at least it wasn't you that splatted. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 410 You take the $NOUN$ you have been carrying and $VERB$ it to the $OBJECT$. Suddenly you have new friends. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 411 You give your usual whistle, but nothing happens. Looking down, you see that the sleigh is bogged down in the wet ground. You'll need to get things dried out before you can take off. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 412 You open the bag and start collecting the hot air emanating from the speakers' platform. In no time at all, it is full to overflowing. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 413 You turn away from the convention hall, but as you walk, the hot air quickly dissipates from the open bag and it goes limp. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 414 You play the hot air in the bag carefully over the ground around the runners and the volcanic soil dries quickly. After recycling the bag, you come back to the sleigh. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 415 You whistle a few bars from the Blue Danube Waltz. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 416 Wearing the X-ray glasses allows you to see the location of the pea every time and you soon break the house. Actually, the house's entire bank roll is ten dollars, so no big deal, don't quit your night job. The Con Artist is so taken by your ingenuity that he takes about five minutes to tell you his life story (about how he's not really a "con artist", just an ordinary artist that likes to paint things that sound like "con" who got stuck on this island a few years ago while looking for one of his lost paintings after his gig on Sesame Street ran out). He waives the exit tax and heads off to continue his search. "Not such a bad guy after all," you surmise. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 417 Distracting the Con Artist again with another of your clever diversions, you quickly erase the marks on the cards' backs. Without them, your opponent is a complete mess, and you soon break the house. Actually, the house's entire bank roll is ten dollars, so no big deal, don't quit your night job. The Con Artist is so taken by your ingenuity that he takes about five minutes to tell you his life story (about how he's not really a "con artist", just an ordinary artist that likes to paint things that sound like "con" who got stuck on this island a few years ago while looking for one of his lost paintings after his gig on Sesame Street ran out). He waives the exit tax and heads off to continue his search. "Not such a bad guy after all," you surmise. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 418 You flash the badge. The Con Artist stares blankly for a moment, then flashes a plastic badge with the words "JUNIOR G MAN". Not to be outdone, you reach into the stocking-stuffers section of your Christmas bag and produce a "SMOKEY THE BEAR JUNIOR FOREST RANGER" badge. He quickly counters with a "RED RYDER DEPUTY" tin star. You come right back with your best "DICK TRACY CRIME FIGHTER". He hits you with a WEBLOS badge with 17 arrow points. You throw a box of Girl Scout Cookies. He hits you with a cream pie. . . . Hold it. Hold it! H-O-L-D I-T !!! This scene has just gotten out of hand. Can we get back to the story? Thank you. -- Anyway, the Con Artist is so taken by your collection that he pays you ten dollars for it and then proceeds to tell you his life story (about how he's not really a "con artist", just an ordinary artist that likes to paint things that sound like "con" who got stuck on this island a few years ago while looking for one of his lost paintings after his gig on Sesame Street ran out). He waives the exit tax and heads off to continue his search. "Not such a bad guy after all," you surmise. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 419 OK, boys, lets strike this game. Clear out those messages. I want those memory buffers scrubbed when you get all that garbage out of them. Yeah, save the interesting routines for the next game. No! Throw those puns away. Yes, ALL of them. They went bad long ago, they're not worth saving. Watch out, don't trip over that plot line. Well, then you just clean it all back up then. Come on, this is a busy computer. Ok, last one out turn the light off. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 420 "You can `earn' a little money in the casino if you need it. I'll cover you double or nothing." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 421 As you walk through the door, bells go off, whistles blow, lights flash and a shower of balloons falls from the ceiling. "Congratulations," says the greeter as she shakes your hand. "You are our two-dozenth conventioneer. You win our fabulous door prize." With that, she passes the hat among the conventioneers already present and comes up with five dollars which she awards to you, takes your picture for the press release, and heads back to her business. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 422 As you enter the sleigh, you get a sudden hunch. You check your pockets and, sure enough, the ten dollars is missing and the five you got in Hawaii is gone also. "Once a con artist, always a con artist," you console yourself. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 423 You proceed to play the game. You really should beware of the effects of recursion, you know. You are now playing a game in which you are playing a game in which you are playing a game in which you are playing a game in which you are playing a game in which you are playing a game in which you are playing a game in which you are playing a game in which you are playing a game in which you are playing a game in which you are playing a game in which you are playing a game in which you are playing a game in which you are playing a game in which you are playing a game in which you are playing a game in which you are playing a game in which you are playing a game in which you are playing a game in which DANGER, WILL ROBINSON! ALIENS APPROACHING! LET THE WOOKIE WIN! I'M AFRAID, DAVE. A sudden transient power surge disrupts the computer and you are released form your paradox. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 424 drive not ready reading drive a: (Looks like you forgot to close the drive.) END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 425 You are a sneaky one. You pull up the master CLAUSE.DAT file, edit ROOM 134 to have an exit to the NORTH connecting directly to ROOM 2, then you quickly recompile the edited version and RUN it. In milliseconds you are standing at the North Pole. (I just hope you sent in your $10 registration before you pulled that stunt.) Of course, once there, being the saint that you are, you cannot stand the thought of the kids in those #VAR9# countries that you missed not getting their presents. With a little help from your emergency supply of Christmas magic that Mrs. Clause keeps tucked away in her pantry, you manage to turn the clock back a day and set out once again to catch the places you missed. Ho Ho Ho! END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 426 With the sunglasses on over their eyes, the reindeer wake up refreshed and ready for action. "Yeah, that's all well and good," whines Dudley, "but we still can't make it home. It'll still take us over an hour at top speed to go half way around the world and we won't make it." Now you pull your master stroke, "We'll just take a short cut." You bundle everybody into the sleigh and as Dudley looks on in disbelief, you head out from the base camp DUE SOUTH toward the SOUTH Pole. Just as Dudley is about to open his mouth in protest, you pull the team up in a sharp climb, terminating in a wing-over into a power dive straight down! You chuckle with satisfaction as you see Dudley's normally pallid skin go to snow white then to green as he sees the barren landscape around the pole racing up at ever increasing speed. He screams as you reach the ground and his voice echoes as you plummet into the opening of the Symmes Hole and rocket toward the center of the earth. "You should have paid attention to the speakers at that convention hall in Hawaii," you chuckle at Dudley as he peeks back over the dashboard. In less than 42 minutes, you pass completely through the earth from pole to pole and arrive safely back home. Of course, once there, being the saint that you are, you cannot stand the thought of the kids in those #VAR19# countries that you missed not getting their presents. With some help from the emergency supply of Christmas magic that Mrs. Clause keeps tucked away in her pantry, you manage to turn the clock back a day and set out once again to catch the places you missed. Ho Ho Ho! END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 427 You give the cobble stone ring a twist and presto, out of the clear blue of the Western sky, it's Fred the Wonder Llama. Needless to say, he is more than willing to give you and your team a lift back home. So with a hearty Hi Ho Silver and an Up Up and Away and Shazam and so on and so forth you are soon back home. Of course, once there, being the saint that you are, you cannot stand the thought of the kids in those #VAR19# countries that you missed not getting their presents. With some help from the emergency supply of Christmas magic that Mrs. Clause keeps tucked away in her pantry, you manage to turn the clock back a day and set out once again to catch the places you missed. Ho Ho Ho! END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 428 You give the green spot a tap and the barren white of the South Pole is replaced by the barren white of the North Pole. Some change of scenery. Of course, once there, being the saint that you are, you cannot stand the thought of the kids in those #VAR19# countries that you missed not getting their presents. With some help from the emergency supply of Christmas magic that Mrs. Clause keeps tucked away in her pantry, you manage to turn the clock back a day and set out once again to catch the places you missed. Ho Ho Ho! END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 429 That's really a futile gesture without having a team hitched up and ready. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 430 Wait a minute! Sorry. I was out getting a bologna sandwich and I missed your arrival. Boy, leave it to Dudley to tell me when you get back with all your locations covered. If you want something done right you just gotta do it yourself. Well, since you DID manage to see all the locations in these past #VAR17# trips around the globe, I think I'll just let you sit the rest of this year out. Ho Ho HO and Merry Chris Moose. You were expecting maybe a big finish? By the way, If you see Dudley around anywhere, would you send him back, I want to talk to him about his next raise. Thanks. Mike END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 431 ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ· ³°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°º ³°ÉÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ͸°º ³°º LOCAL ³°º ³°º WHATEVER ³°º ³°º ³°º ³°º GREENWICH ³°º ³°º WHO KNOWS?³°º ³°ÓÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ°º ³°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°º ÔÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍͼ END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 432 You gulp down the garlic \ / and instantly regret it. - BURP - / \ END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 433 \ / - BURP - / \ END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 434 You can go home now. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 435 The game is really over. There is no more. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 436 Honest. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 437 Bye. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 438 Are you still here? END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 439 What do you expect me to do now? END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 440 Look, I gave you 140 rooms, 137 objects, 65 creatures, 74 special side trips, 154 verbs, 700 commands, 88 ways to flub up, and over 1,000 messages to play with. What more could you want? END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 441 Well, I can't give you THAT. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 442 Now go away, I'm busy. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 443 Did you know your fingernails are dirty? END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 444 Ha, ha! Made you look. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 445 Uh oh. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 446 I gotta go potty. Good Bye. Oh, Merry Christmas. Oops. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 447 As you start to step out of the sleigh, you feel it move beneath you. You jump free just as it slips over the edge of the cliff where Dudley had landed. Looking over the edge, you see the team and elf tobogganing down the precipitous slope toward the city below. You look around to see where you are. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 448 ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ· ³°°°°°°°°°°°°°º ³°ÉÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ͸°º ³°º LOCAL ³°º ³°º #VAR2#:#CTR1# ³°º | OK, so it's a DIGITAL clock. YOU try to draw ³°º ³°º | a working clock DIAL on a text screen. ³°ºGREENWICH³°º ³°º #VAR4#:#CTR1# ³°º ³°ÓÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ°º ³°°°°°°°°°°°°°º ÔÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍͼ END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 449 ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ· ³°°°°°°°°°°°°°º ³°ÉÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ͸°º ³°º LOCAL ³°º ³°º #VAR2#:#CTR1# ³°º | OK, so it's a DIGITAL watch. YOU try to draw ³°º ³°º | a working watch DIAL on a text screen. ³°ºGREENWICH³°º ³°º #VAR4#:#CTR1# ³°º ³°ÓÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ°º ³°°°°°°°°°°°°°º ÔÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍͼ END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 450 "You know, I've been thinking it over and I've come to the conclusion that END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 451 "There is great reason to believe (if one chooses to believe in believing) that END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 452 "All men and women have to sit down and think thinks through, especially that, END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 453 "I had a weird dream last night. It was all so real, especially the part where END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 454 "My old teacher, grasshopper, used to tell me interesting things, like that END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 455 "Oh, by the way. I'm working on a new theory. It goes like this: given that END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 456 "I read the most interesting theory of life on a bathroom wall the other day: END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 457 "Boy, the junk they put in fortune cookies these days! I got one that claims: END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 458 "When in doubt, my son - or daughter, as the case may be - always remember: END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 459 "My broker is E.F. Huttoff, and what my broker says is: - you are all ears - END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 460 if the price of groceries has definitely gotten completely out of hand, END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 461 if the good old days are really only good if you are really old, END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 462 when you can find a public drinking fountain that isn't out of order, END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 463 while there are no nice ways to tell someone that their fly is open, END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 464 when you're sad because you have no shoes until you meet one without any Nikes, END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 465 although there is really nothing wrong with betting against the odds, END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 466 if a tree makes no sound falling in the forest with no one around to hear, END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 467 if a chicken and an half lays an egg and a half and you have to clean it up, END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 468 if there are always two sides to every story, the right side and your side, END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 469 if `Who' is on first and `What' is on second, and you follow the dog act, END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 470 then we must assume that world as we know it is really made of green cheese, END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 471 then there is really no need to hang on to all those green stamps anymore END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 472 then the end of the world will come at exactly fivish tomorrow END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 473 then there is going to be one heck of a change in the weather one of these days END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 474 then I wouldn't want to invest ALL my liquid assets in hula hoop polish END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 475 then there is a good chance that Ed McMahan will be knocking on your door END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 476 then I know something that you don't and I'm not going to tell you, nyah, nyah END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 477 then the Reagan presidency was all a plot to hike the price of jelly beans END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 478 then there is really no reason to continue this conversation anymore at all END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 479 then. . . .er. . . .ah. . . .ah. . . .I really don't know what to say END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 480 (the preceding has been a paid political announcement)." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 481 (provided all have sources are accurate)." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 482 (unless of course, you have any better ideas)." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 483 (provided the IRS doesn't audit me)." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 484 (unless you take Einstein into account)." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 485 (Does any of this make any sense? -- that's a rhetorical question)." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 486 (but then again, I have been know to be wrong -- I think)." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 487 (but the air is thin up here and I probably imagined the whole thing)." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 488 (and THAT's the truth. -- raspberry)." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 489 (well, what do you expect from someone living in a cave? Now be nice)." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 490 You give the matter some serious thought then decide to give the tram a try. You climb aboard and tentatively hand one of the Syrian streetcar tokens to the sleepy motorman. He drops it in the coin box without even looking, releases the brake and cranks the rheostat up a few notches to set the car in motion. The tram drones and creaks through the night, empty save for yourself, until it squeaks to a halt in front of an impressive building. Finally, the motorman calls, "End of the line," flips the signboard to "OUT OF SERVICE" and gets out to check the car over for the night. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 491 Apparently not satisfied with the generous offer of free sample X-ray glasses, you try to climb up on the piles of crated merchandise to get some $NOUN$. The unstable piles totter and start crashing down around you. Amid the crash and clatter, you hear the director yell out, "CUT! CUT! I thought that toon, Roger Rabbit was a disaster in the making, but YOU take the cake. OK, kill those lights, lose the playback. Get the crew in here to reset this scene." You get up and limp back to your dressing room to catch up on the latest issue of `Variety' while you wait for the next take. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 492 "He's dead, Jim. No, wait, he's only an accountant." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 493 "I'm a simple country doctor, not an ecdysiast." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 494 "Me circuits are bypassed like a Christmas tree, Cap'n. Don't give me any more bumps. That goes for you too, Uhura." END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 495 "Scanners indicate a class `MM' planet, Captain." (Mike McCauley, of course.) END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 496 With a little ingenuity, you and the elf manage to wedge the surf board under the sleigh. You push the sleigh back and forth a few times, and it seems to slide ok. END_MESSAGE MESSAGE 497 As you approach, the cow shies away. She doesn't seem to trust you. Maybe you can win her confidence with a gift. END_MESSAGE