"A pleasant little corner of the inn near a dartboard. Either this corner has some very localised woodworm or the local players aren't very good, for there is a ring of holes surrounding the dartboard."
"The Smugglers Inn is a very cosy little place with low-slung wooden beams criss-crossing the ceiling. On one of these oaken beams can be read the legend 'Do What Thou Wilt shalt be the Whole of the Law.' - Very quaint..!"
"This corner of the Inn is taken up largely by a splendid jukebox with thirty push buttons, flashing lights, and everything."
"If Aaron, your friendly bartender and host is around you could always try asking him for a drink! If he's not to be seen then you could try your luck with the delicious Dolores, if she's here that is.."
"You are now situated centrally, i.e. bang slap in the middle of The Smugglers Inn!. Here those rustic oak beams you may have read about cross over your head. All very nice but a bit of a pain if you're dwarf-scaringly tall."
"Here by the bar you can see clearly the ring left on the wall by the removal of the pub clock which was broken and lead to the phrase 'Stands the pub clock at ten to three, and are there sarnies left for tea?'"
"At the bar you've just missed stubbing your toes on the footrests and dipping your elbow in a pool of stale lager. There is a smell of old cigar smoke here and the beer pumps have seen better days.."
"This is the middle of the Bar. A good place for ordering drinks provided that Aaron or the de-lovely Dolores is around."
"In the corner of the bar is a gap situated so that people like yourself for example may pass through and up to the accommodation so generously provided on the first floor."
"A Narrow corridor with a staircase running upwards to the first floor, and some more running down into the cellar, where the Booze is!"
"The bottom of an ill-lit wooden stairway into an even more ill-lit cellar. A string of dull lightbulbs fight off the darkness to guide you around the cellar.. Spooky or what.."
"A dull 40 watt lightbulb struggles to fight off the encroaching darkness in this disgustingly dirty part of the cellar. Fortunately for you you can't see what you're treading on or in.."
"Here the light is fighting a losing battle. It really is quite gloomy and dim in this part of the cellar."
"This part of the cellar has quite an atmosphere. Maybe it's the darkness. Maybe the low roof adds an air of claustrophobia to the place. But maybe it's the smell of the tanks holding the sort of stuff to strike terror into the heart of a CAMRA member!"
"This corner is hung low with gossamer cobwebs. Dracula would have a whale of a time down here! As for me, well, I saw 'Raiders of the Lost Ark' and where there were the big spiderwebs you got the big spiders too! Eeugh! Hope you're not an arachnophobe!"
"This is a dark, dingy, and depressing cellar. I HATE dark, dingy and depressing cellars.."
"This cellar is weird. It appears to be ring shaped with a central column which is very wide to be just a support."
"As Jonathan Ross might put it 'Wound and Wound the wugged wock the wagged wascal wan.' Wow! This cellar is a squared torus!"
"This is the centre of the cellar. It appears that this part has been turned into a secret room, and quite recently too, judging by the relative newness of the brickwork you had to smash to gain access to this dark place.."
"This is the corridor leading from the top of the stairs, which go down from here. You can see to the far west a door with the number '3' on it."
"As you walk along this plushly carpeted corridor the floorboards squeak softly beneath you. You are between the top of the stairs and the bedrooms."
"Through the window you can make out the Humber Super Snipe in which you came. The corridor you are standing in runs along past all the bedrooms to the bathroom at the far end."
"This is the central area of the first floor. It gives access to both the guests' bedrooms, and the rooms of Aaron and Dolores, besides the bathroom."
"You are at the end of the upstairs corridor, with three doors around you. Aaron it seems is the sort of idiot who finds it very amusing to hang a sign saying 'the wee room' on the bathroom door. This is so naff it's untrue, how naffer can it get?"
"You are in a small bathroom. At the side of the toilet is one of those toilet roll holders which plays a tune as it pulls, and above which is mounted a sign saying 'Beware of the Labrador Puppy'. On the door in a place where you can't avoid seeing it is one of those nauseatingly twee Mabel Lucie Atwell prints.. Eeeugh! I think I have to call my friend - his name is 'Raoul'...."
"Aaron's room is a very plainly decorated place nearly filled with the large double bed in the centre. A single light fitting hangs down from the ceiling and there is a mark where a picture has been removed from the wall."
"This room is a bright room. Spotlights on the ceiling illuminate specific areas of the room. The room is filled with that MFI sort of 'Bodge-It-Yourself' furniture. Up against the wall in the corner is a dumpy single bed.."
"This is one of the Guest rooms. A Double bed in the corner with a single shaded lamp hanging from the ceiling. The window looks out onto Locksley Lane and the terraced houses.."
"In this guest room there is a single bed which sits in the corner next to the door. Why does the decor in cheap hotels look the same?"
"This is your room in the Smugglers Inn. This is a single room with a single bed, a single lamp, and a single window onto Locksley Lane. However you can also see Trunch Road running out of Little Hogswash and if you really crane your neck over you can see a strange little bungalow off to the other side of Trunch Road."
"You are in a small chamber where the Church Organ resides. Pipes of all shapes and sizes, thin and fat, long and short, are all around."
"Show some respect now... You are standing near the draped altar of St. Jude's Church. A magnificent Stained Glass window rises before you. A striking sight when the rays of the sun pass through it."
"You're in the vestry of St. Jude's. This is where Edgar changes before holding a service. The room is stark and bare."
"Here amongst the pews your footsteps reverberate on the hard stone floor. Along the walls are smaller plain glass windows, and plaques commemorating former respected members of the Hogswash community."
"This is the aisle down the centre of St. Jude's Church. Pews surround to either side, and the aisle runs between the door and the altar. Above you can see beautiful wooden arches supporting the roof."
"This is the posh Family Pew area of St. Jude's. Here the well to do used to sit in their pews each and every Sunday.."
"These pews are situated towards the back of the church. At one time the rich sat at the front, and the poor at the back. Now in Little Hogswash no-one is really rich, but then again no-one is really poor either. Then no-one really bothers coming to church anyways.."
"This is the aisle at the back of the church near the entrance. Looking down you can see slabs set into the floor. On some of them you can make out remnants of former inscriptions now rendered unreadable by time and feet."
"This is the back of the church near the little stone font in which generations of Hogswashers have been baptised over the years, decades or centuries even.."
"You are standing in the entrance to St. Jude's Church. Above lies the clocktower and bell, however you cannot gain access. You will however hear the strident tones of the church bell as it strikes."
"Here in Tony the Goth's room the walls are covered with posters. there's a big poster of Patricia Morrison, a smaller poster of The Sisters of Mercy, another poster of The Mission, and an advertisement for a book entitled 'Good Omens'. The decor here is dark, gloomy, gothic and eldritch. You half expect some ghoul to emerge, meeping and glibbering as it comes."
"Who knows what one may find here in the stores of the David Icke Home for the Fundamentally Weird. Whatever it is, it might be something weird, wonderful, or just plain daft!. On the wall someone has sprayed '101010'."
"Dave the Rad Dude shares none of Tony the Goth's tastes in Decor. The walls are painted in a psychedelic haze of neon acid colours and plastered in posters for lots of groups who appear to have come from Manchester.. Oh, and of course lots of posters and decor with those Teenage Mutant and dare I say it, Ninja, Turtles. This man has NO taste..!"
"This is one end of the churchyard path which ends just outside the black doors of St. Jude's Church. The path is quite mossy."
"Julia Crispen-Regis' room is quite boring really. Nice red curtains though. "
"There are two doors at this end of the corridor. There are signs on bothdoors. One says 'Detonation Boulevard' and the other says 'Reporter at Work'."
"You're on the path halfway between the Lych Gate and the Church.."
"This is the entrance to the David Icke Home for the Fundamentally Weird. This home was set up by Our Lord Icke shortly before His abortive trip to the Isle of Arran to discuss with Gerald Ratner His plans for a range of Turquoise Jewellry.. It is mildly surprising though that the Turquoise One should allow such a wearer of Black as Tony the Goth to dwell within.."
"This end of the corridor gives access to two rooms. One of the doors bears the sign 'Eat My Shorts', and on the other door we can observe the legend 'Leave me alone - I'm feeling prickly.'"
"You are standing 'neath the canopy which forms the Lych Gate. These gates were constructed to offer shelter from the weather for the dead awaiting burial. "
"Felicity Fazackerly's room is white, plain, and quite boring to look at. A bed stands starkly in the centre of the room between the plain walls painted in brilliant white emulsion. A single 150 watt lightbulb hangs from the ceiling with no shade on it. Felicity has no past, so the room she made as blank as her mind.."
"This is a Humber Super Snipe, product of the one time Rootes Group. The veneered dash holds a speedo, clock, fuel and temperature gauges. Front and rear are bench seats, with the gears being on the steering column and handbrake just inside the driver door. A big car and quite luxurious really."
"Edgar's bedroom is quite plain and uncluttered as befits a man of the cloth. He's not trendy, and you can tell."
"This is a small and plain bathroom."
"This corridor connects the two bedrooms with the bathroom and the top of the stairs down into the living room. "
"Edgar has turned this spare bedroom into a study of sorts. "
"This is Edgar's Kitchen. Here Edgar has his meals before doing the rounds of his parish and taking care to avoid the notorious Red House."
"This is Edgar's living room. Here he co-ordinates his plans to run The Lady out of town (like a common pygmy?), between watching religious programmes on TV. He also occasionally watches late night programmes on Channel 4 before writing letters of complaint to the Broadcasting Association and Mary Whitehouse's Viewers & Listeners Association, of which he is a member. He's also been known to tear up copies of The Smut, and burn Heavy Metal albums. There are some stairs here."
"Daphne's bedroom is decorated in nice flock wallpaper with pretty pink Fleur-de-Lys patterns. Pity it's been hung the wrong way up though.. In the centre of the ceiling is a nice pink lightshade."
"This is a small bathroom with just enough space to swing a cat. That is if you put a crash helmet on the cat first and don't mind being reported to the R.S.P.C.A..."
"This corridor connects the two bedrooms with the bathroom and the top of the stairs down into the living room. "
"This is a spare bedroom. These terraced houses are two bedroomed and would be described by the Estate Agents as Des.Res."
"Daphne's Kitchen has tiled walls and a tiled floor. Daphne religiously cleans this floor with Flash while listening to Jimmy Young on the wireless."
"Daphne's Living Room. The carpet is beautifully hoovered and done with Shake 'n' Vac. There's plastic on the furniture to keep it neat and clean, and the air stinks of pine air-freshener."
"The focal point of this bedroom is the large oval double bed sitting in the centre of the room. This bed adds a whole new meaning to the term Bedroom. Soft concealed lighting shines pinkly from all corners of the room and heavy drapes on the windows keep out prying eyes."
"This is a small bathroom with just enough space to swing a cat. That is if you put a crash helmet on the cat first and don't mind being reported to the R.S.P.C.A..."
"This corridor connects the two bedrooms with the bathroom and the top of the stairs down into the living room. "
"This is where Vera and Simon keep all their clothes, as the bed in the other bedroom takes up so much space."
"Here in the kitchen Vera and Simon have all their meals together.Though the kitchen table sometimes has another role in its little melamine life."
"In Vera and Simon's living room the furniture is very sparse with a large velveteen sofa positioned ideally for an evening's viewing and stairs leading up."
"This is Richard Dupree's bedroom. A single solitary bed sits in solitude with a stark lightbulb directly above."
"This is a small bathroom with just enough space to swing a cat. That is if you put a crash helmet on the cat first and don't mind being reported to the R.S.P.C.A..."
"This corridor connects the two bedrooms with the bathroom and the top of the stairs down into the living room. "
"This is a spare room, decorated in a peeling anaglypta with a thin cracked linoleum floor covering."
"Here in Richard's kitchen there is a pile of washing up dating from several days before. A greasy mark on the ceiling indicates where Richard tried his hand at pancake tossing last Shrove Tuesday and failed miserably."
"This is Richard's living room where a single not very comfy chair points at the fireplace. Stairs go up."
"Johnathan's bedroom is pretty vacant. A hammock goes from hook to hook. The walls are navy blue and the floor is covered with a sea-green carpet. Above the hammock is hung a calendar."
"This is a small bathroom with just enough space to swing a cat. That is if you put a crash helmet on the cat first and don't mind being reported to the R.S.P.C.A..."
"This corridor connects the two bedrooms with the bathroom and the top of the stairs down into the living room. "
"This is a spare room, decorated in a peeling anaglypta with a thin cracked linoleum floor covering."
"Johnathan's kitchen is a simple affair, with a green stain on the wall where the pressure cooker exploded."
"Here Johnathan has been known to sit and watch all his favourite programmes, ranging from Captain Pugwash (the unexpurgated version) to Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea. Instead of plaster ducks Johnathan has Plaster Flying Fish!"
"This is Edgar's garden. The lawn is beautifully mowed by Edgar, who was once plagued by Moles until he prayed for them to go away. He was later quoted in the Sunday Smut as saying 'If this hadn't worked I was going to bury a pocket TV tuned to Cilla Black's Blind Date!'"
"Daphne really misses the good old days when she had neighbours as eager to gossip over the garden fence as she is. Nowadays her garden has gone to rack and ruin so she is going to get Aaron to do it for her."
"Vera and Simon's garden is full of strange plants. The flowers of which exude strange and heady perfumes which - where was I? which make one want to stay here for ever."
"This is Richard's Backyard, which being too lazy to garden he had concreted over. Nature is fighting back however and already the concrete is cracked with weeds growing through."
"Johnathan's garden has many rock pools full of water from the nearby sea, in which can be found Crabs, Sea Anemones, and lots of seaweed."
"This is the Black Bedroom. Everything in it is just totally black. The walls are black. The inch thick deep pile carpet is black. The bed is Black. Even the windows have been painted black. A tiny light in a hole in the ceiling casts an oasis of light in all this blackness."
"This is The Lady's dining room. Needless to say this room doesn't get used much. Her idea of 'Hospitality' being somewhat different and not involving food. Well, except maybe for whipped cream, Human Sundaes and the dreaded Black Forest Gateau..!"
"The Lady's kitchen is small, poky, and strictly utilitarian."
"Speak softly.. You are in The Lady's boudoir.. A huge transparent water bed sits in the corner next to an incense burner slowly releasing an exotic perfume from the mystic east into the air. The walls are painted in a soft pink colour and a red light shines onto a mirrored sphere rotating on the ceiling. Red spots of light spin hypnotically around the room. You can hear music emanating from hidden speakers."
"You are in a corridor in The Red House. One of the doors is bright red. The second door is black. On the third door is mounted a sign bearing the legend 'Kitchen'."
"This is the central corridor in The Red House. Here you can hear soft music which is almost subliminal. Keeping very quiet and straining your ears you can just identify the tune being played as 'Je T'aime' by Jane Birkin and Serge Gainsbourg. Mood Music or what?"
"Here at this end of the corridor there are three doors. One is pink, another white, and the third is the bathroom door. Here as before you can still hear music, which appears to be on a loop. Aaron banned it from the jukebox in the Smugglers Inn or you might be able to hear it there too."
"This is a luxury bathroom, the most striking feature being a huge obsidian jacuzzi next to a deep sheepskin rug."
"This is The Red Room. The heart shaped bed in the centre of the room is a deep blood red covered with a red duvet and red silk sheets. A small red lamp in a red lampshade hangs from the red ceiling casting down red light upon the red bed and the red carpet. It's just so red.!"
"You are standing inside the porch of The Red House.. If you mean to enter it's not too late to turn back before someone sees you. Can you stand the decadence you may find within..? Yeah, why not.!"
"This is the mirrored bedroom. The walls and ceiling are covered in mirrors. In the centre of the room is a vast round rainbow coloured bed surrounded in white carpet. Unless you can bury your head in something soft (such as?) you can see reflections of yourself stretching off into infinity. It is said that if you stand between two mirrors it is possible to see every possible variant of yourself which exist in an infinite number of quantum parallel universes.It is also said that because the reflections go off into infinity that the light needed to carry these reflections is from another time.so that if you could see far enough you would be able to see a reflection of yourself as you were years earlier.. But back to this room. A spotlight shines a narrow beam of light down upon the bed while a diffracted laser shining on a mirrored rotating cube offers a splendid light show.."
"This is the worn path leading into The Red House. The door has had a few coats of paint as every now and again Edgar will come along and paint nasty messages on the door. But then the cat is a weirdo..."
"This is the entrance to The Police Station. On the walls are several posters with pictures of some very unsavoury characters indeed. One of the posters takes your eye however, it is of a blonde woman,and bears the message 'Have you seen this woman?', and continues 'Charlene Cranford - Missing Person. Contact Sgt Dudfoot at Little Hogswash Police Station if you have any information.'"
"This is a cell in Little Hogswash Police Station. Luckily for you Dudfoot has not had to arrest anyone for a long time and has mislaid the keys.."
"This is a cell. There are several items of graffiti on the walls. They read 'Ronnie Biggs wasn't here', ' What do you call a sloth in a box - Gerald', and 'How many IBM Engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? - A lightbulb isn't a replaceable part. You need to buy a new ceiling..'"
"This is a corridor in the centre of Little Hogswash Police Station.A light swings drunkenly from the ceiling and a cell with a wide open door is also here."
"You are at the end of the corridor in the Police Station. There's a cell with an open door, the report counter, and a door which says 'PRIVATE - KEEP OUT'."
"This is Dudfoot's living room. The light is mounted in a blue shade with 'POLICE' written on it in black lettering. Here Dudfoot can relax when not pounding the beat, for in the words of Gilbert & Sullivan, 'A Policeman's Lot is not an 'appy one'."
"This is Dudfoot's bedroom. The barred window is painted a nice blue colour as are the walls. Dudfoot's bed has an orange fluorescent stripe down it so he can dream of being a speed cop."
"You are in the small cabin right atop the Lighthouse where the light itself is located. Large fresnel lenses surround the very powerful lightbulb and the whole assembly rotates by night casting beams of light far out to sea and inland.."
"This is Harbottle's Bedroom. This room is located on the outside wall like all the other rooms, so one of the walls curves gently.The room also tapers towards the ceiling."
"You are in Harbottle's Bathroom. Should you stand for too long in his immediate vicinity you may think however that this room does not receive too much use."
"This is the central stair column of the Hogswash Lighthouse. It runs up and down the middle of the lighthouse and has rooms on all sides. The dizzy spiral is enough to give you vertigo.."
"This small room which if it were not for the curved tapering walls would be boxlike, is Harbottle's Larder. Here he keeps his food supplies."
"This is Harbottle's filthy little kitchen. A grimy grease-spattered window looks out onto Hogswash Beach."
"This is the Generator room. Here a powerful generator makes enough electricity to keep the strong light shining independently of the local electricity board."
"This is a small storeroom with no windows and a smell of damp."
"This is the bottom of the spiral staircase which leads up through the centre of the Lighthouse. There are rooms to three sides of you with the entrance to the fourth."
"Here the diesel fuel used by the generator is kept. Every so often a large tanker arrives to fill the tank which takes up almost the whole of the room."
"You're just inside the Lighthouse which serves to warn ships away from the notorious Hogswash Reef just off shore from here. Harbottle the Lighthouse Keeper may or may not be pleased for your company."
"You're standing at the end of the beach here at Little Hogswash. The waves are breaking on the beach and the seagulls are calling. It all sounds quite horribly like the start of that Bobby Goldsbro record. Eugh!"
"You're on Little Hogswash Beach near the northern end. In the distance you can see the tower of St. Jude's Church and to a southeasterly direction the lighthouse."
"You walk along the beach with the waves crashing onto the breakwaters. Very nice.."
"Little Hogswash could not be described as the ideal Seaside resort. For one thing the beaches are far too pebbly. Ow! Not the sort of beach you could happily lie on or walk barefoot. Good for rock collectors though..."
"You're on the beach near the causeway which leads to the nearby Lighthouse. In the opposite direction over the road is  the hill."
"You are on a hard shingle beach with sand dunes on the southern outskirts of Little Hogswash. Proceed in a southerly direction and you will leave Hogswash altogether.."
"You are on a causeway leading to the lighthouse."
"This is the small island, or is that big rock, upon which was built Little Hogswash Lighthouse. A causeway leads back to the beach and provides the only access."
"This is the northern end of High Street. Should you go north you will be leaving the environs of Little Hogswash. The High Street runs south down the sea front past the small but effective Little Hogswash shopping centre and once more out of the village."
"You are on the junction of High Street and Joie Drive. To east is the Hogswash Sea Wall constructed to protect part of Little Hogswash from high tides. Further down the coastline rises but here the road is only a few feet above high tide level and so this wall was built to protect the street from flooding in bad weather."
"You are on High Street in the Hogswash Shopping Centre. Here you can find Bob Maxwell's Newsagents. This part of High Street has been made into a pedestrian precinct, and the road is now paved over."
"As you could well deduce even without the large sign showing a 'cuddly' giant fish engaging in what appears to be an act of cannibalism, and the smell, you are outside Claud O'Doyle's Fish 'n' Chip Shop."
"You're outside the Little Hogswash General Stores. On the window the sign 'Sorry - Sold out of Economy Toilet Rolls' has been whitewashed."
"You are outside Little Hogswash Video. In the window are several advertisements for forthcoming attractions. Coming soon are : 'Pink Fluffy Bunnies on Elm Street', 'Nuclear Cheer-leaders Go Bang!', 'Return of the Shih-Tzu' and 'Killer Tomatoes Go To France'."
"You're on High Street near the shopping centre and on the turning into Trunch Lane which runs west and eventually out of the village. Opposite that is the Beach."
"You're on the High Street just around the back of St. Jude's Church. There's a T junction to the south."
" You're at a T junction with Letsby Avenue to the West. The main road carries on North and South.. The beach is East with the sea beyond it."
"You're on a 1 in 10 hill (Little Hogswash has never been one for updating their road signs..) leading gently out of Little Hogswash."
"You're on the main Coast road into Little Hogswash from the South. A public footpath sign points west here up the steep hill. Over to the east is the Beach."
"You're at the end of the road. The southern end that is, and going south here will take you completely out of Little Hogswash onto the B1763. To the north lies the village, and civilisation(?)."
"The eastern end of Joie Drive. Look east and you can see the High Street and the Sea Wall. Look northwest and you see the squat but mysterious 'Red House'."
"You're standing at the east end of Trunch Road near the junction with High Street. Says it all really."
"This is the eastern end of Letsby Avenue near the junction with the High Street."
"You are standing on Joie Drive outside that most weird of places, 'The Red House', abode of that mysterious person known only by the soubriquet of 'The Lady'..."
"You're midway along Trunch Road between the crossroads and the junction with High Street. To one side you see the back of 'The Smugglers Inn' and to the other is St. Jude's.."
"This is the rather whimsically named Letsby Avenue. You're standing just outside the Police Station with a bold blue lamp shining over the door like a beacon of Law and Order.."
"You're on Joie Drive just west of The Red House and just east of the corner with Locksley Lane, beside the inn."
"You're just east of the crossroads where Locksley Lane and Church Street meet Trunch Road."
"You're on the corner of Locksley Lane and Joie Drive. Here is No.9 in the street of terraced houses."
"You're on Locksley Lane outside No.7, the abode of Richard Dupree."
"You're standing between 'The Smugglers Inn' and No.5 Locksley Lane.No.5 is the abode of Vera Blanchard, and the mysterious Simon Jacoby, who I am assured is no relation to the Doctor..."
"Here we find the untruthfully named house 'Dunchattin'. The humble abode of Daphne Pratt, Little Hogswash's very own village gossip."
"You're at the end of Locksley Lane outside the vicarage and the carpark. There's a car in the carpark, but no robotic car park attendant to park the cars.."
"This is the crossroads. Here Trunch Road, running east to west, meets Locksley Lane from the north, and Church Street to the south. Heading west along Trunch Road will take you out of the village."
"You're on Church Street. Here is the Lych Gate forming the entrance to St. Jude's Church. Opposite this stands the rather quaint David Icke Home for the Fundamentally Weird, a bungalow for all those who have ever searched for the instructions on a toothbrush.."
"This is the corner of Church Street and Letsby Avenue. Who says that town planners can't have a warped sense of humour?"
"This is Trunch Road just west of the Crossroads. You're now between Buildings built at either side of the road. "
"You're now on the western outskirts of Little Hogswash, between the deep ditches and the hedges running between the fields of long gently ripening corn, unattainable for the prickly thorn bushes. Go west from here, and you leave Little Hogswash behind you.."
"You're struggling up a public footpath which leads up 'The Mould', the large hill which stands alongside the village of Little Hogswash. The path is well worn by the feet of hikers.."
"Here you are nearly at the top of the hill. The path branches off here leaving the indecisive hiker with a bit of a quandary! Alongside the path the thorn bushes grow. Whitethorn.."
"The path circles around the top of the hill under trees and through thick undergrowth. However there is still a clearly defined path and it appears to be climbing.."
"Here there is a straight path right to the top of the hill. Another path curves around the hill and down a little. Both are clearly worn with time and the feet of people with their walkies-mad shih-tzus.."
"This is the very top of 'The Mould'. Here we find a large stone sunk deeply into the earth. The stone is flat-topped with what appear to be drainage channels. The grass around the stone is significantly lusher than the rest of the grass here. Off to one side is a patch where it appears some scoundrels have had a large bonfire. Maybe it's left over from last November 5th and the Hogswash Bonfire Night party?"
"This is Bob Maxwell's Newsagents shop. Here you could pick up a copy of 'The Smut', that is of course unless you want to read a newspaper.."
"This is Claud O'Doyle's chippy. Claud cooks the best fish and chips in the whole of Hogswash.."
"You are now in Little Hogswash General Stores. In this perfectly preserved example of ye olde village shoppe you can find several gems of progressive marketing. This shop is kept by an adventurous shopkeeper. Maybe he's Hungarian?"
"This is the video shop, Hogswash Video. This shop gets some of the very latest releases into the Video market. Such Classics as 'Citizen Kane II', 'Spectreman', 'Mutant Kung-Fu Bimbos from Hell',  and the ultimate Beach Party movie, 'Big-breasted girls go down to the beach and take their tops off'"
"You are in the Smuggler's Inn carpark. Not often used is the carpark. Maybe because people shouldn't drink and drive, but mostly because nobody here in Hogswash has a car!"
"You are in a deep dark and damp cave. This cave is situated beneath the Lighthouse and runs westwards into gloom."
"This is an underground passage with the pervading clamminess of damp seeping through the walls. Algae coats the floor making it slippery in places and you tread carefully to avoid stepping in the pools of murky water."
"This is the cavern at the centre of the passage which runs beneath the sea. Here you can see raised concrete platforms designed to keep things off the damp slimy floor."
"Here the floor of the cave slopes significantly, climbing steeply westwards. Small rivulets of water trickle down ruts at the sides of the cave floor."
"Here you are in a cave which runs east heading down a steep slope. This secret underground passage was once used by smugglers, transporting their booty to a hiding place safe from the Revenue men.."