Red Dwarf Version 2.1 Appliance Store This is a nothing little appliance store, jutting out of a nothing little corner on a nothing little street in a nothing little city on the humongous planet of Saturn. The shelves are cluttered with...well, nothing. Little nothing objects, cheap gimmicks that prey on impulsive people like you. There is a very rat-like salesman behind a counter with his hands in his pockets, and a very, very large rat on the floor that, if it had hands, would probably have them in its pockets as well. South Sidewalk The sidewalk, a rather boring slab of concrete, extends north and south along Whiskey Street. To the east is a disreputable-looking appliance store. West of you is a disgustingly unsanitary street which is unsafe to cross. To the south, a BTL addict lies on the ground, with BTL electrodes drilled into her skull and a dazed look on her face. With her is a bliss freak, who appears very dangerous. . North Sidewalk The still rather boring slab of concrete ends here, and a construction zone blocks further progress northward. A space taxi zooms past, low to the ground, along the street, reminding you not to go west here. You are standing in front of the space corps recruitment office, the human equivalent of the large dumpster that sits here. There is a sign in the window. . . Recruitment Office You walk timidly into the office to find the recruiter sitting down at his computer. The walls of the room are plastered with posters of exotic places, high-tech spacecraft, and smiling recruits. The recruiter looks up from his game of Asteroids and motions toward a chair. "Have a seat." . . . Fiji You find yourself in Fiji, looking out upon the great utopian landscape, holding a pair of tongs in your hand. With the tongs, you take a large sausage out of the big metal box and place it on a hot dog bun. Carefully, you arrange the ketchup, mustard, and relish with perfect distribution. A Fijinite pays you for your masterpiece and bites into the hot dog with raging hunger. A tear of joy runs slowly down your cheek. This is heaven. . Drive Room This is a functional room; it is not designed to welcome those who have just completed a long journey through space or time. It contains enough chairs for a small orchestra and a viewscreen, on which can be seen the grey, slightly distorted face of Holly, the ship's computer. . . . Room 99Z This is your boring, grey, substandard issue, two-person living quarters. Described in a real estate magazine, it would probably read: 1 bed, 1 kitchen, 1 living/dining area, 1/8 bath, and a "nook", all in the same room. A bunk bed is set into the north wall, while a table rests against the south. Against the east wall is a sink and a mirror, and above the mirror is a viewscreen. There is a closet next to the door on the west wall. . Main Corridors The main corridors of the ship are overwhelming, stretching off in all directions and filled with busy crewmembers. Navigating them is rather like driving through Los Angeles, only the corridors don't have exit signs. You only know how to get to three places yet: your room, to the east; the airlock, to the south; and the bridge, roughly to the north. . . The Bridge Upon entering this room, one would not expect it to be the bridge. It is not the grand superstructure bridge of warships, but just another room on the ship, only this one has lots of complex computer equipment. It also has lots of officers who very much outrank you. The entrance to the captain's office is off to the west. . . Airlock You are standing in the airlock, a fact made plain by the giant red word "airlock" which adorns the wall. Below it are two controls. The first is a small green button labeled "inner doors", and the second is a large red lever. Below the lever is an important looking sign. Apart from that, this room is as boring as "Ishtar". . . Platform You are an insignificant speck standing on a small, steel platform on the outside of the Red Dwarf. You feel like a baby flea on the back of the world's largest dog, only smaller. From here, you have access to a large portion of the side of Red Dwarf, a portion which you could not paint in less than a year. The paint on the side of the ship seems to be fading. . . Corridor This particular corridor comes from the north and curves off to the west. You recognize this location, as it is just west of your room. To the south is an open door which resembles an elevator. The word "Airlock" painted just above the door is perhaps a clue that it is an airlock. . . . Corridor This is one of the ship's many corridors. It is only slightly more interesting than the others in that it contains a food dispenser. Apart from that, there is no break from the general monotony. There seems to be a crew quarters to the east. . . . Intersection This is the intersection of two main corridors on this level. You think a moment and remember that the ship's bridge is just to the north of here. Some steps lead down to the east and into the Drive Room. You don't recall going down the corridor to the west before you went into Stasis, but you are quite sure your room is somewhere to the south. . . Corridor Red Dwarf contains thousands of nondescript corridors, yet I will try to describe this one. Like the others, it is somewhat dark and murky. It has been painted a uniform military grey for over a year now, ever since it was entirely repainted to replace the original, and very similar, ocean grey. It is very easy to get lost in the corridors of Red Dwarf, so try to learn your way around. . Stasis Booth The booth is very small and induces an immediate sense of claustrophobia. You would hate to spend any time in here, yet it is not possible to spend any time in here. You see, the stasis field creates a static field in time. Just as X-rays cannot pass through lead, time cannot pass through the stasis field. So although you exist, you no longer exist in time, and for you, time itself does not exist. Although you are still a mass, you are no longer an event in space-time. You are a non-event mass with a quantum probability of zero. The Bridge Upon entering this room, one would not expect it to be the bridge. It is not the grand superstructure bridge of warships, but just another room on the ship, only this one has lots of complex computer equipment. Before you is the chair in which the beautiful Kochanski used to sit and the console at which she used to work. Holly's face appears several times around the room. . . Captain's Office This is a fairly simple room, though somewhat more elegant and well-lit than the rest of the ship. It was formerly occupied by the late Captain Hollister, who is not here at the moment for obvious reasons. The room is simply furnished, containing only a cluttered desk and a chair. An elegant photo of Red Dwarf dominates the wall opposite the door. . . Captain's Office This is the office of Captain Hollister, the well-liked captain of the Red Dwarf. He is currently hard at work on some bit of paperwork or other and has not yet noticed that you are here. He is a very busy man, and only something very important would cause him to summon you, a lowly peon, to his office. You feel like a kid who's been summoned to the principal's office, which just about sums up your entire academic career. . Corridor Further wandering through the corridors brings you to what seems to be another crew quarters, to the east. More corridors stretch out in all directions. Which really isn't surprising. . . . . Corridor This is not just a corridor. No, this is a "Main Corridor", a fact loudly proclaimed by a bit of faded paint on the wall, right next to the paint that reads "Turbolift, Deck 16". This sign is no more useful with the first, as you can plainly see the main turbolift just to the west of you. The word "turbolift" is somewhat of a misnomer, as the word "turbo" usually implies a certain amount of speed, whereas on Red Dwarf, it is faster to take the stairs despite the fact that the ship has no stairs. Peterson's Room You have entered the quarters formerly shared by Chen and your best buddy, Culinary Officer Olaf Peterson. Not surprisingly, the room resembles a college dorm. There is a spectacular assortment of junk littering the floor. The rest of the room is nearly identical to your own, including the bunk bed, the sink and mirror, the viewscreen, and the closet. There is a giant moosehead on the wall. . Medical Lab You walk into a cold, sterile, white room which you immediately recognize as the medical lab. It seems that even the passing of 3000 millennia has not removed the smell of antiseptic from the air. There is an examining table in the corner, which stands next to a large, stainless steel cabinet. . . . Corridor You realize that you have been in the corridors too long when you find yourself growing excited that this corridor is wider that the others! You need a drink! The reason for the widening of the corridor is that you have reached the docking bay, a cavernous room which can be see through a giant portal to the west. Opposite this great passageway is a somewhat pathetic little room labeled "Equipment Room". . Corridor Guess what! You're still in the corridors! And the corridors are still drab and ugly! There are rooms to the north and west. In the other directions are: more corridors! . . . . Turbolift This small room is the Red Dwarf equivalent of an elevator, but it bears a strong resemblance to a small airliner. There are several rows of cushioned seats crowded into the smallest possible space, all facing a small holographic projector. It was designed to keep passengers comfortable during transit between floors, which can take as long as four and a half hours. During peak activity periods before the accident, in-lift meals were served and in-lift movies were shown. Docking Bay You are standing in the tremendously humoungously gigantic structure that is the docking bay. Built to accommodate ships that have docking bays of their own, it provides more than enough space for a small Middle Eastern country. At the moment, though, it is all but empty, save for a small, globular spaceship far off to the north. . . Starbug If ever a craft were appropriately named, this is it. This small craft serves as the primary transport used by the crew of Red Dwarf to explore a planet for minerals and take planet leave. The back end of the craft, in which you currently reside, is in the "abdomen" of Starbug and was designed to cart mining equipment and people. A small door leads to the cockpit. . . Assembly Hall This is the cavernous room which is capable of holding the entire crew of Red Dwarf. It sits waiting for the seminar on astronavigation which was to be held here a few hours after the accident occurred. There are no seats here at the moment; it seems whoever was setting up for the seminar was running late and hadn't gotten that far, but had only had time to set up for the slide show. There is a slide projector sitting on a small table, facing a large, white screen. Crew Quarters This is an empty crew quarters adjacent to the one you share with Rimmer. It seems that no one wanted to live near the pair of you, so the captain mercifully kept the quarters unassigned. You'd prefer to think it was all because of Rimmer. There is nothing in the room apart from the standard bunk, sink, mirror, closet, and a nonfunctional viewscreen. . . Equipment Room This is a tiny room which contains only a small table. Originally designed to store items which might be needed in the nearby docking bay, it was converted into a darkroom of sorts by the captain, who in his spare time was a major photography buff. He chose this room because, when the door is closed, it is the darkest room on the ship. And darkness is an important quality in a darkroom. . Starbug Cockpit You are now in the "head" of Starbug. A single seat faces a complex instrument panel. A large windscreen affords a view of what is outside Starbug. You have never flown a spacecraft before, and do not have a pilots license, but your mate Peterson once told you that it's a piece of cake. But then, he's never flown either. . . Hold You are standing in a nondescript portion of the hold, the large portion of the ship devoted to storage. Actually, there are two things which make this portion of the hold distinct from the others. One is the turbolift which is just to the west. The other is an erie glow coming from a small room to the north. . . Temple This portion of the hold has been converted, it seems, into a sort of temple. At least, that is what you would assume from what appears to be a sort of small altar. However, the giant hot dog in the middle of the room makes you wonder. . . . The Horde This is a small corner of the hold, tucked away and easily defended. It is here that Cat stores all the shiny things he has acquired over the years. This is his main activity, the discovering and collecting of shiny things. He also sleeps here often, but then he sleeps everywhere often. The same applies to eating, and especially applies to grooming. . . Wardrobe You have entered a small portion of Cat's massive wardrobe. It seems that this particular portion is reserved for off-green suits with wide lapels. It stretches off in all directions, and only in the extreme distance can you pick out blue and a few light red suits. I strongly advise against exploring the wardrobe, as you are liable to become lost. . . Lost in the Wardrobe You are hopelessly lost in Cat's extensive wardrobe. Suits of various colors stretch off in all directions, as far as the eye can see. Cat really ought to post some maps with little "you are here" labels. However he didn't, and you are unlikely to find your way out before you starve. . . . Anteroom Odd as it may sound, this room is essentially a porch. The ceiling is made entirely of glass, affording an astounding view of the stars overhead and giving the odd impression of being outdoors. Directly opposite the turbolift is a solid oak door with a brass knocker. . . . Captain's Quarters This has to be the only room with appealing decorating on Red Dwarf. It is a spacious room, softly lit, with oak furniture and rich burgundy carpeting from wall to wall. The walls themselves contain a fantastic assortment of photos, all of which were taken by the captain. A sofa faces the largest viewscreen you have ever seen. A table and several chairs, all of oak, suggest that the captain often entertains visitors. Funny you were never invited... There is a bedroom to the north. Bedroom You are not at all surprised to find a bed here. It is a king-size bed with burgundy sheets to match the color scheme. There is a large closet set into the eastern wall. Next to the bed is a large dresser. You briefly consider moving into this room, then decide it doesn't fit your image. . . . Clearing You are standing in a small clearing in the middle of a large forest. The landscape looks distinctively Earthen, though you cannot place the time period. Starbug has landed in the northern edge of the clearing. A dirt path leads into the forest to the east. . . . Road A little ways into the forest, the path leads to a paved, two-laned road. There is a small sign by the side of the road, which points to the south, where there seem to be signs of a small town. As you can see nothing for many miles to the north, you decide not to go that way. . . . Road You follow the road for a quarter mile or so until you come to the bank of a river, just west of where you stand. There is a man sitting here, who seems to be fishing. Next to him is a pail of fish and a shoebox full of worms, two items not usually found on people who aren't fishing. Opposite the river is the entrance to a small graveyard. Perhaps that's where he got the worms from. . Graveyard You have never much cared for the grim somberness of graveyards, but this particular one has a different fell to it, somehow. It has an intangible quality of...joy. Maybe you've been in space too long. You stand before what seems to be a recently filled in grave, which lacks a headstone. . . . Pawn Shop The first thing one notices upon entering this shop is the choking mass of tobacco smoke which clogs the air. Through grey clouds of it you can see a little swarthy man standing behind a counter with a cigarette in his hand. That would explain the smoke, certainly. Curiously, there are no items on display here. There must be quite a demand for pawned goods in town. . . Town You are standing in a quaint English town in what appears to be the late 20th century, nearly two-hundred fifty years before your time. Yet something is wrong with the two buildings on either side of the street. One is named "Epposh Nwap," while the other seems to be "Bup Edlo Ey." Any further progress to the south is blocked by a destruction zone, where apparently new buildings are being demolished. . Pub Ah, the warm comfort of a good English pub. You mind wanders back to that fateful birthday when you toured every pub in London. You can only remember the first five or so. When your memory resumes, you were lying nude in a locker in a bus station on Saturn, which lead to your joining Red Dwarf in an attempt to get back home again. Still, it was almost worth it, you think, as your glance falls on the distracted woman working behind the bar and the forlorn look of an empty barstool. Bridge You are standing on the bridge of Red Dwarf. You are actually standing here, and it is before the accident occurred. You can tell by the absence of dust and the well-maintained state of things. Unfortunately, the captain always took his photographs when the rest of the crew was off-duty, so as not to appear to be goofing off while everyone else worked. As a consequence, the bridge is deserted. Except, that is, for Holly. . "Thank you for your purchase, sir." "Yeah," you say and take back your electronic credit card. Glancing at it, you suddenly realize that you, Dave Lister, have just spent your last dollarpound on a toaster with artificial intelligence. Not a particularly attractive toaster, or one with many features, but an ugly, intelligent toaster, one that probably goes on a lot of blind dates with other toasters who have been told how very intelligent it is and what a great personality it has. It was pretty much an impulse buy. An impulse, like just about every other decision you have made in your life. "Hello..." you start to say. The recruiter interrupts you and, staring at the ceiling, launches into his standard spiel. "I just got a report today from Saturn spaceport that the mining ship Red Dwarf needs somebody to do menial chores and stuff, but that's not important. What is really important is that if you take the job, you'll get regular pay and a free ticket back to Earth. Just think about it, getting off this slum of a planet and returning to your home. You are from Earth, aren't you? I thought so. Well, what do you say. Do you want to take the job?" . ...The sound of maneuvering jets pulls you from your dream and you look out of a portal onto a strange red planet. But this is no planet. This is a ship. The ship. At first, your mind cannot comprehend the enormity of such a structure. A huge structure. A huge red structure. The shuttle approaches a large docking bay and you unbuckle your seatbelt as it lands softly on the pad. The door opens, and after some trouble retrieving your baggage from the "handy" below-seat compartment, you exit the shuttle and enter the docking bay. You are escorted into the debriefing room. "Room 99Z, Dave," says Holly, without even looking up. "Er, how do you know me name?" "I know everyone's name, Dave." "What, everyone on the ship?" "Yes, Dave. I have an I.Q. of 6000." Holly then proceeds to give you directions to your room, ending with, "...it's right next to the airlock." "Does that mean I'll be spacewalking?" you joke. "No, you'll be painting." "Bloody hell! The whole smegging ship?" "Yes, Dave. Room 99Z, Dave. Goodbye." The cat begins to hungrily devour the Krispies, a snack food which was mean for humans (and probably belonged to your roommate whom you have yet to meet). As she does, you stroke her lovingly and begin a rather one-sided conversation, addressing her by the name you have just decided on: "There Frankenstein, how are you doing? I'm sorry I don't have any milk for you. I'll have to get some before the baby cat comes. Or maybe we can just give it water and tell it it's milk; it's only a baby cat, and it won't know the difference. You're gonna' be so happy on Fiji..." and you proceed to tell her every last detail of your Plan. The cat finishes her meal, and you realize that you had better hide her before your roommate arrives. You close the vent and conceal Frankenstein and not a moment too soon. Just as you do, a skinny man in a bright green jumpsuit enters. He is a 2nd Technician, a very, very low rank, but he outranks you. "My name is Arnold Rimmer, but my friends call me 'Duke,' or sometimes 'Ace.' I'm your new roommate, so get used to it. I'll make an officer out of you yet. "You?" you reply incredulously. "You don't look like you could make an officer out of a German youth!" In this case, it is a perfect judgement. "Don't you have a ship to paint, you goit? Get to work." he replies, handing you what can only be described as a giant paintbrush. "Lister, not only are you so stupid you bring an unquarantined animal onboard this ship and jeopardize the entire crew, you also take a picture of yourself with the animal and send it to our labs to be developed! Don't you remember what happened on the Oregon with the rabbits? Lister, a loose cat on this ship could get anywhere. It could get inside Holly. A little nibble here, a little nibble there, and next thing you know, we'd be flying backwards. Now I'm only asking one more time. Where's the cat?" "Just supposing I did have a cat, just supposing, what would you do with Frankenstein "I'd send it down to the lab and have it cut up and tests run on it." "Would you put it back together afterward?" "Lister, the cat would be dead." "Well then, with respect sir, what's in it for the cat?" "Lister, I want that cat!" "It's not as easy as that, though. Me and the cat, were gonna' have a baby cat, and were gonna' buy a little farm of Fiji, and we're gonna' get a sheep and a cow and breed horses." "With a sheep and a cow?" "No, with horses and horses. It's me plan, and no one can stop me, not even you sir, and I do respect ya'." "So where is everyone, Hol?" "They're dead, Dave. Everybody is." "What, Captain Hollister?" "Everybody's dead, Dave." "What, Todd Hunter?" "Everybody's dead, Dave." "What, Selby?" "They're all dead. Everybody's dead, Dave." "Peterson isn't, is he?" "Everybody's DEAD, Dave!" "Not Chen." "Yes Chen, everybody. EVERYBODY'S dead, Dave!" "Rimmer?" "He's dead. Everybody's dead. Everybody's dead DAVE!" "Holly, are you trying to tell me everybody's dead?" "I should've never let you out in the first place." "How?" "The drive plate was inefficiently repaired. It blew, and everyone was subjected to a lethal dose of Capium II before I could seal the area. Go onto the bridge and see for yourself." "Why're there little piles of dust all over the place, Hol? Like this one," you ask, pointing to a pile on the chair where Kochanski sat. "That is console officer Kristine Kochanski." "You mean Krissi's dead?" "Not again, Dave. Yes, she's dead. I don't suppose it's any consolation, but if she were still alive, the age difference would be insurmountable." "Not Krissi! I never got round to tellin' her, but she was the main part of my Plan. She was gonna' ride the horses..." "She won't be much use to you now. Not unless it snows and you need something to grit the path with." "I'm sorry. I've been on my own for 3 million years, and I've gotten used to saying what I think. I think I've gone a bit peculiar." "Three million years!!!" "Well, I had to wait 'till the radiation reached a safe background level, didn't I? Not only that, but we've been traveling in a straight line, and if we turn around now it'll take another 3 million years to get back to Earth." "So it's just the two of us, alone in deep space?" "Not quite. First of all, there seems to be some kind of lifeform down on Deck 37. Secondly, this ship can project a hologramatic replica of a dead crewmember, so I have chosen the one person most likely to keep you sane." The hologramatic woman launches into the standard lecture on emergency procedures by pointing and saying, "If you look to your left and to your right, you will notice there are...no exits. In the highly unlikely event of the lift having to make a crash landing, death is certain. Under your seat, you will find a cassette for recording your last will and testament, and from above your head a bag will drop containing sedatives and cyanide capsules. To take the cyanide capsules, simply break open like so and place under your tongue." She demonstrates as she does this, then falls over dead. The recording shuts off. . "What is that thing?" asks Rimmer, staring at Cat. "Apparently, Lister's cat survived the accident and had kittens," Holly breaks in. "You know how human beings evolved from apes? Well, he evolved from cats. His ancestors were cats, he is a cat." "Well, I want it off the ship." "No!" you interject. "He's commin' home with me." "Home! And where is home?" "Earth, of course." "Earth! Lister, what makes you think there will still be an Earth? And even if there is, look what three million years has done to a household pet. Can you imagine what humankind has evolved into? To them, you'll be the equivalent of the slime that first crawled out of the oceans." "I could smarten meself up a bit. Besides, I've still got me plan, and I've still got a cat. It's not Frankenstein but he's still a cat!" Here Cat speaks for the first time. "Did you say Frankenstein the virgin mother? Yeah, I remember that stuff from kitty school. 'The Holy Mother, saved by Cloister the Stupid, who was frozen in time, and who shall returneth to lead us to Fushal, the promised land.'" "It's me, Lister the Stupid. And I am gonna' lead you there. Holly, set a course for Fiji. Look out Earth, the slime's commin' home!" You are walking up the road when you come upon what seems to have been the scene of an accident. A policeman is taking down notes when an ambulance, driving in reverse, appears from the north and screetches to a halt. Two men dressed in white quickly but gently lay a body on the ground before heading off again. The crowd disperses, leaving only one car. A man gets in the car and drives off, in the process bringing the body to life and leaving, to your complete and utter surprise, a completely healthy Kristine Kochanski standing before you. . . This time you do not wake up. This time it's real. You and your wife, Kristine K. Lister, are farmers who co-own a hot dog stand with your friend from America with a tooth disorder, Cat. Holly, your manager/computer, falls for a "cheap" PC clone from Japan. You go on to have two sons, one named Jim and one named Bexley, after Jim Bexley Speed, the greatest quarterback who ever played for the London Jets zero-g football team. As for Rimmer, he declares himself captain of Red Dwarf, promotes himself to admiral, and sets off in search of aliens who can give him a new body. . . As soon as you take your seat at the bar, the woman comes over and hands you a mug, which to your surprise is empty, and to your further surprise appears to have been recently emptied by another customer. Greatly puzzled, you turn to the man sitting next to you and watch as he brings his mug to his lips and beer quickly runs out of his mouth and into the mug. It is as though you are watching a film of a man drinking, played backwards. When he finishes, or perhaps starts, the woman comes over and hands him some money. He grunts "ikswerb" and walks out of the pub, true to form, backwards. . . You activate the paintbrush and begin to apply paint to the side of Red Dwarf. From here on, your life gets rather dull for a month or so, so we will just skip to the good stuff. You have spent a month eating, drinking feeding Frankenstein and dreaming of Kristine Kochanski, the woman you love who hardly knows you exist. A month later, you are once again outside painting when you are ordered by spacesuit radio to report to the captain's office... . . . You are piloting the craft jerkily through space, attention focused intently on the controls, when Cat points at what seems to be a large, flaming hole in space and asks, "What is it?" "Oh, that looks like a timehole," you reply, smug about your knowledge of astrophysics. Then you realize you are headed straight for it. Before you can change course, the hole engulfs you. A few seconds later, Starbug comes to a rough landing on an unknown surface. . . . Alright, pay attention. You may use "it" to refer to the last item you typed, and you may refer to two items by means of the word "and." You may not, however, issue two commands on the same line no matter how hard you try. Finally, you may use "all" provided you remember these restrictions: when the command is "drop all," the all refers to the items you are carrying. Otherwise, all refers to every item in the current room which is not under, on top of, or inside another item. You may exclude one item which meets these requirements with "but," as in "drop all but my jacket." . . After a quick glance to determine that no one is watching too closely, you bring the mug to your lips and take as much lager into your mouth as you can. It tastes delicious, and you are tempted to swallow, but with an effort you restrain yourself. Instead, you pretend to drink in reverse, slowly tilting the mug away from you and allowing the lager to run out of your mouth and into the mug. When the mug is again full, you decisively slam it onto the counter. The woman, without looking up, wanders over, grabs the mug, and drops a coin onto the bar. You smile as you utter the word "Ikswerb," and get up to leave, reluctant to leave the comfy barstool. . You've finally thought of an opening line. You smile to yourself, then approach her and ask, "Where's the captain's office?" "Right over there, where it says 'Captain's Office,' where it's always said 'Captain's Office.'" Undaunted, you continue by asking, "Do ya' know why he wants to see me?" "I think you're being promoted. To admiral." What a woman! You find yourself deeply in love. For her part, Krissi leaves the room. . . Subject: 2nd Technician Rimmer, A. J. Comments: Some men were born to lead. Rimmer, on the other hand, only outranks the newest member of the crew, 3rd Technician Lister, and yet he cannot effectively command his subordinate. He has already filed five reports of insubordination and one count of mutiny, the latter stemming from at time when Lister stepped on his foot. Promotion Prospects: Laughable. .